Okay, backstory: I'm 20, recently separated (two months ago), and I have a one and a half year old son. We separated because I believed I was gay. In fact, I came to realize that I was instead, trapped. I felt like I had nowhere to go and I wasn't happy with the relationship. Now, I can admit that I wasn't the best of partners. Because of my depression and because of my struggle with my sexuality, I was very distant from my ex-wife. Sometimes I would be irritable or wouldn't want to do anything. I think most of us here can understand how depression affects you and people around you. I wasn't the happiest of people and I did take it out on her at times. I really wish I could have changed that. She didn't deserve that and I should have taken a step back when I saw my attitude change towards her (it wasn't always bad). There's nothing I can do about it now, but ever since we've separated, she's held this intense grudge towards me. It even comes to the point where she wants to fight for full custody of our son (there's no reason it shouldn't be 50/50) just because she wants to hurt me. Her posts on Facebook are about how she's "better" and has "learned". Which, I don't mind. (I don't check her facebook, our mutual friends tell me. Although I'd rather not know, they still do. Even her friends tell me how much she's changed and that they support me over her.) I'm basically being trash-talked. And despised. And no matter what I say, it's always the same. She tries to hurt me emotionally and it doesn't necessarily work. Since separating, I've become a more loving, caring, honest, and positive person. For her, though, she's become so malevolent and spiteful. Her friends even agree. I avoid contact with her at all costs because I'm trying to improve my life for myself and for my son, and every time she talks to me, it ends up in her being very hostile. I simply can't stop talking to her. We have our son. We have divorce proceedings to go through. But I can't keep in contact with her either. As much as I hate to admit it, we weren't a good match and in fact, I feel most of my negative feelings stemmed from our relationship. Talking to her and being around her brings out the negativity in me. And I don't want that. I'm really at a loss of what I can do. I've let go of so much negativity, yet she clings to it. And that doesn't bother me. What bothers me is that I feel bad. Because I was in that position before. And I feel like her change in attitude was because of me. My life, as mean as it is to say, has improved since our separation. But she always tries to bring me down to a lower level. I just want some help on what I can do.
Well, I'm glad that you're being the bigger person because I'm sure it's difficult, especially when your ex is talking badly about you. She, on the other hand is probably hurting and is lashing out. I'm sure she'll stop the erratic behavior eventually, especially once she realizes that it's not doing her any good. If it's possible, perhaps you can have a relative be your mediator between you and your ex. Like, if your son spends a certain amount of time with you, maybe you work out some sort of arrangement, so that way you do not have to speak to her. That's what my ex and I used to do whenever we were not on speaking terms. My mother would drop off my kids with him and his mother during weekends and she'd pick them up as well. It was like, he had this ability to get under my skin and I hated how he used to make me feel. So, I avoided him, and I felt so much better when I did not have to deal with him. However, things have changed a lot and we get along a lot better. So, perhaps there will come a time where you and her can sit down and talk without her being so negative. If anything, you're doing the right thing for you and your son and that's all that matters. And you have nothing to worry about, because no judge will grant her full custody for no good reason. You're a great father and as long as you continue on bettering yourself, then I'm sure you will be granted joint custody.
