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In Love With A Friend Who Might Be Gay

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by toffee96, Jan 12, 2014.

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  1. toffee96

    toffee96
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    So I know this is kind of a common post around here, but I still haven't found one similar enough to my situation that I've been satisfied by the answers.

    I'm about 95% sure I love my friend. I think about him all the time and I feel very down when I don't see him for a while. He knows I'm gay, and in fact he's the only one of my friends who knows. He says he's fine with it and everything, but he does act a bit awkward when I bring it up (which isn't often). We have similar tastes in TV/movies/music and I just feel like I have more in common in terms of the way I think with him than my other close friends (who I know are straight).

    So I have these intense feelings for him, but I don't think he can tell. I only have small clues/reasons to think he's gay, but I have no reason to think he's straight other than the fact that at least 90% of people are straight.

    My reasons I think he might be gay are as follows:
    Never talks about girls (and I mean not once)
    Very shy/introverted, as in he never talks about deep feelings
    He's cool with me being gay
    Very shy in locker room before/after sports (never showers, always leaves on an undershirt, if hes putting on compression shorts he'll ask me to turn away and thats before I came out to him)
    When I told him I was considering telling another one of our friends, he asked me to not tel that friend that I had already told him (the friend I love) because he didnt want the friend to ask him questions about it
    He seems to care alot about hygiene (told me he takes long showers and always has some kind of cologne-type smell)
    General gaydar (mannerisms, etc.) i have no gauge for how good my gaydar is though

    And like I said I have no reason to believe he's straight other than mathematics.

    So I guess my questions are this:

    1. Do you think he is/might be gay or am I just doing some wishful thinking?
    2. What should I do about my crush? I can't imagine telling him would be a good idea because he's shy about personal stuff and if he is gay I'm sure he has a good reason for not telling me yet.

    Oh also we are both juniors at a small-ish (80 kids per grade) mostly-conservative private school in a gay-friendly state.

    Thank you so much in advance! Just writing this all out made me feel a little better.
     
    #1 toffee96, Jan 12, 2014
  2. puppy1000

    puppy1000
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    I have a very strong feeling that he is gay if he is shy in the locker room unless he is very scrawny or something physically unattractive, then that would be self esteem issue but also the fact that he told you not to tell his friend you already told him
     
    #2 puppy1000, Jan 12, 2014
  3. resu

    resu
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    Yes, he might be gay. He might be bi. While we're at it, he might just be straight and just shy, lol.

    One thing you could do is ask if he is embarrassed by you coming out to him, and if he says no, then ask him why doesn't want others to know he knows (suspicious, IMO). But, if you really feel your crush is getting too strong, you might just say you have feelings for him as more than a friend. It might be very hard for him and he might retreat, but at least you will have put things out in the open. He should know that sometimes a person falls in love with a friend.

    Whatever you do, don't ask if he is gay because it seems like in this situation he would say no, even if he really is gay.
     
    #3 resu, Jan 12, 2014
  4. toffee96

    toffee96
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    Thanks for the replies so far.

    To the first response, I'll say yes he is pretty short and a bit fat, so he may be insecure about his body. However the compressions shorts thing I mentioned would happen with just me around and he knows I would never make fun of his body so I'm still not sure.

    To the second poster I would say that I don't think I can tell him how I feel because if he were to react negatively it would be obvious to all of our friends that something were up. I also don't think I could deal with the guilt as I struggled with guilty feelings after coming out to him - basically I felt badly for stressing him out, especially since we go to an academically rigorous school were being distracted can really hurt you.

    One thing I forgot to mention in the OP wad that we go to an all-boys school, which is why I saw the cologne thing as a possible hint he might be gay.
     
    #4 toffee96, Jan 12, 2014
  5. Lexington

    Lexington
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    Enh, it's pretty muddy. Nothing here really seems to hint heavily in either direction. You might do a bit of fishing next time you two are together. You might talk about the first signs you had that you were gay - like, finding a certain actor hot - and then say "I'm assuming that sort of thing never happens to straight guys. You've never thought that about an actor or anything, have you?" The problem with that is that you've already said that he's really recalcitrant to discuss his feelings, so that might be pushing too hard. If you sense that he really doesn't want to talk about it, it's best to just laugh about it and say "Yeah, I didn't think so. And you don't strike me as somebody who likes talking about that stuff anyway, so I won't discuss that stuff with you anymore if you don't want to."

    Lex
     
    #5 Lexington, Jan 12, 2014
  6. WhiteShadows

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    Hey!
    Well, I usually say there are two options to find out
    1: Outright ask him if he's bi or gay. But this is scary and only really viable if you two are very close. Equally you could tell him your feelings and ask him out or something
    2: Get closer to him as a friend. Try subtle flirting, and touching like hugging, and see what happens. He might respond VERY affectionately if he's gay or into you.

    Good luck! (*hug*)
     
    #6 WhiteShadows, Jan 12, 2014
  7. toffee96

    toffee96
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    I doubt he would admit it if I asked him - he seems like the type who would keep it a secret for as long as possible.

    One thing that happened today was that I told him that a soccer player I liked had recently come out. All he said was "oh" kind of awkwardly and immediately changed the subject. So he's definitely still at least somewhat uncomfortable talking about it but I'm not sure if that's just general awkwardness/embarrassment or if its because hes still struggling with/nervous about his sexuality.

    ---------- Post added 13th Jan 2014 at 02:49 PM ----------

    Also if I were to flirt with him, how would I go about it? I din't want to freak him out by touching him, so maybe just compliments or something? I think some sort of verbal flirting might work but I'm not really sure how to do that. Sorry for being such a pain I just lije him so much :/
     
    #7 toffee96, Jan 13, 2014
  8. WhiteShadows

    WhiteShadows
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    Well, go for option 2 then :slight_smile:
    It's scary and risky, but you could even just kiss him when you think the time is right. But I think that needs to be when you are both there for each other and you know you like each other.
     
    #8 WhiteShadows, Jan 13, 2014
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