Mt straight crush found out that I like her

So, as the title implies, my straight crush, S, undoubtedly knows I have feelings for her. S found out over break, (coming up on threeish weeks ago.) just a heads up, this is going to be long.

S and I have been friends for almost a year. We met through theater, and there's always been this kind of hard to explain (i use the word loosely) spark between us. S and I have a lot in common, and I realized that I had feelings for her over the summer. She's a naturally flirty person, and sometimes does this 'yes, this is clearly fake' thing with me that typically includes a come hither look, and a shoulder grab. S continued doing this after I came out to her, even snuggling with me a little bit at a sleepover. A few times she had mentioned to me that she had thought she was bisexual. Eventually I had talked myself into thinking that maybe, just maybe, I had a chance with her. Just not something I'd ever act on.

In The weeks leading up to her finding out, the crush was really starting to weigh heavy in me, and I had been doing something very stupid. I had repeatedly mentioned to S that there was a straight girl I liked and refused to identify her. But, in actuality, I was talking to S about herself. The mystery straight girl was S.

Now, finally on to the night it happened. In the middle of a talk about relationships, the 'mystery girl' came up in conversation. By this time, S had gotten very curious about who this girl was. Very curious. She asked if she could play 20 questions to figure it out.i reluctantly said yes, thinking that I could weasel my way out if she got close to the truth. But I was dead wrong. S ended up asking if the girl was in a specific part of theater, the same as S. There were only so many people she could guess before getting to herself. And she did. She asked me point blank if it was her. I lied initially but I was pretty well trapped, so I said yes.

S was surprisingly nice about it. Telling me to stop apologizing because it's not my fault, and asking why I hadn't talked to about it before. But ultimately, she told me that she would give me some space so I could "figure things out." We didn't talk for what were two of the worst weeks of my life. We saw each other a lot at school. But we'd just make eye contact, then pretend we didn't see each other. For a while, it seemed like telling her was actually helping me feel better. I met up with my friend, V, and snuggled into her shoulder while watching a movie with her. It looked like I could start moving on. But then it hit me just how much I care about S. Which is quite a lot.

She stayed silent until last week, when she approached me in a pretty empty hallway. S basically blew up at me. Blaming me and saying I was the reason she didn't want to do tech for the current play at school. She ran off before I could really say anything. I knew I had to say something. The next day, we talked it out. She apologized profusely for being mean, and reiterated that I had to stop apologizing for it. S told me that telling her had taken a lot of courage, and that she could never tell someone she liked about her feelings. We agreed that we still want to be friends, and decided to hit the fresh button on our friendship. It was a good talk.

Things are still normalizing between us. We don't text that much. And it turns out I do have thinking to do, such as thinking about if I want to pursue V. But... Despite the fact that it looks like everything is going to be fine, I just have to worst feeling that something is going to go wrong. And I really don't want to lose her. Already, my feelings for her have gotten in the way. In a conversation, she mentioned that she feels so done with a guy she likes, and has apparently give up on the idea of having a boyfriend in high school. I could hear it without thinking, "Well, for the love of god! You know if be with you in a heartbeat!" But I know that I can no more make her like girls, than a guy can make me straight.

If someone else has been through something similar to what I'm going though, please tell me about it, and how it turn out. I need advice from people who know what straight crushes can do to a person. And, sorry for making you read that ungodly long post.