in love with my straight best friend... call me a cliche lol

hello everyone hope you are all just fine. this is my first time here so please forgive me if i break any forum rules or offend anyone i assure you it is completely unintentional. i really am grateful to be able to post here and i really would appreciate your help :icon_bigg

So, i'm an almost 24 year old guy. The first recollection i have of being attracted to a male person is when i was 12 years old but i did not see my self as gay for many years to come. From time to time i liked girls and tried to hook up with them some times successfully and some times not. When i was 15 i fell in love with my (at the time) best friend. Nothing happened between us of course i did not even tell him i was attracted to him and today for one reason or another we rarely meet or talk to each other. This relationship left deep wounds on me and it took me 4 years to recover from depression. But then and for some years i had absolutely no problem going on socially and academically, i had a lot of fun and also some sexual experiences with girls. Never with a guy.

In fall 2012 i met the guy that would eventually become the straight best friend mentioned in the title. At first he didn't seem to like me, i didn't care much though. He is a year my junior. I didn't like his style (or what i perceived as his style at that time) either. I was only interested in him because he is too hot. Tall muscular handsome guy with dark hair and chocolate skin but an asshole (to my eyes then, may i say again). We had a good friend in common so until the end of 2012 we came closer and closer and started hanging out more often and more often until we reached a pint where we really liked each other's presence and became really close friends. He turned out to be a really sweet guy a complete contrast with his tough outer appearance. I was sexually drawn to him but did not have feelings for him for months to come.

When we are together, alone or with other friends, his manners towards me are in a lot ways different than these he has towards the others guys in the aspect that from the begining his attitude is more respectful (in lack of a better word) and by that i mean he would offer to do me favors, always has something nice to say about me and talk gently but not like from a distance, we talk everyday and go to each others houses so there is not an intimacy issue (i believe).

As you can understand from his description that i gave you he is a huge success with the ladies. For almost 9 months he had a crash with a girl that is a very good friend of mine and i tried to fix them up. But the match was not meant to be so he says that he has moved over her. What i find interesting is that even though he has the chance to sleep with a different girl every night he never did. Not even a serious flirt.

Last spring was the time that i started to have feelings for him. And that led me in another round of depression, given my last experience. But it was not just that. I understood that i was really attracted to men both sexually and sentimentally. Suddenly it hit me that i was ,in fact, homosexual and i started to realize what would that mean for the rest of my life. It was a difficult realization i have to say which eventually led me to alcohol and mild drug abuse due to the fact that i thought i had to solve this myself. I didn't want anyone to know about this. But then came a time that i just could not go on like this much longer.

One evening i called him and asked him if he could come over to my place to talk. He came in an instant. That evening i told him that i was homosexual and how that made me feel. During the process of me telling him i could not look into his eyes, i just layed on my couch with my palm covering my eyes. I did not tell him that i was in love with him because it was not the reason i wanted him here. I wanted him with me because i believed he was the only person who would not judge me and who would try at least to understand me. When i finished talking he told me that it was ok, and that i had nothing to be ashamed about. He told me that to him i was the smartest person he met in our town and that's what makes me special. After some moment of pause he chose to share with me some things he had to say about his life and what impact some past experiences (not sexually oriented) had on him that he never told anyone. He stayed with me until i was almost asleep and came back the next day to my house for lunch. I really could not look him in the eye the next day, i felt so embarrassed. That same night he texted me and told me that the fact that i chose to talk to him about my situation meant a lot to him. After some days our relationship got back to normal.

The months following my coming out to him i urged him to go out for a date with several girls and i tried to play the whole straight buddy thing so that he wouldn't realize that i am in fact in love with him.

This fall, he met a very good looking girl and they started a relationship. I was hurt but i chose not to say or do anything because it would not change anything. If something is to happen between me and him i can not force it. He introduced me to her once and in a hurry and we never hanged out all together. The night that they would sleep together for the first time, he came over to my house and brought some pot (sorry i don't know if i can say this here forgive me if i can't ) so we got high and he left after a few hours and went to see her. The next day he told me that they did not manage to have sex. Another day recently we were out for a beer and she was at the same place too. When she came to him she kissed her on the chick hardly payed any attention to her although she was all over him. At one point when she left he told me "i can't stand her for very long" and i responded "don't be ridiculous she's too hot!" playing the straight buddy thing.

So now, you know my story. I really don't know what to do. I don't want to push him into anything after all he knows i'm gay. But i can't go on like this anymore because it really hurts me not to have him in my arms. I'm afraid that if i come clean about my feelings towards him he will slip away and i don't want this to happen. He means a lot to me and in many aspects he is the only one who knows who i truly am. What do you think i should do?

Thank you very much if you took the time to read this and i will very much appreciate your help and opinion. Take care! :icon_bigg

 

Is there something like a sign or something like that that i could tell that it is the best time to talk to him about it? He knows i find him attractive we had a conversation on that between jokes and stuff...

 

thank you very much lex for your advice! :icon_bigg