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In so much pain...

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Envira, Jan 14, 2014.

  1. Envira

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    There's this girl, let's call her "A". I met her last year, because we dance together in a company. It was early January, and I was still questioning my sexuality, and was really unsure as to what I was exactly - I thought I might be bisexual.

    One day, we're walking home, and out of the blue she told me that she was bisexual. And I responded with surprise and I didn't really know what to say. I didn't tell her anything about the fact that I was questioning at the time, and I was comfortable with that.

    However, a few weeks passed, and I found myself waiting to go on stage, with A behind me. We were alone in the stairwell, and suddenly she asked me if I was bi. I told her that I didn't know, that I might be, and that I was still figuring things out. At that time, I was also struggling to figure out whether or not I liked her.

    As of now, I know that I like A. And I know that I'm lesbian. It has been a full year since she asked me if I was bi. Over the summer, I had tried to come out to her several times, but every time something went wrong. There was one day, where we had just gotten out of an audition for another company, and I was feeling particularly good about myself. I decided that I was definitely going to come out to her, because for the first time, I actually felt really ready. As we were walking out of the building where we were, I worked up the courage, but she was busy checking her phone. Suddenly she burst out crying, mumbling about how her best friend was moving to China for a year on a student exchange program, and was leaving the next day. A has panic attacks sometimes, and so she started bawling and hyperventilating, and I spent almost a half hour trying to calm her down, and at the end of it, she was still really upset, and I never got to tell her what was on my mind.

    It's been four months since then, and there have been several times when I have tried to come out, but it just settles deeper within me. She started a magazine/newspaper at her school, called Queerology, and she talks about it a lot, because she's the artist for it, she does all the covers and other pieces in it. Every time she says something, I want to stop her, and say, "I know exactly how you feel. I'm gay", but it never happens.

    Recently, I found out that she is clinically depressed, and for a while, no one knew, and she was cutting and she actually thought about killing herself. She showed me the cuts, and I read a story that she wrote about her experiences. Honestly, I don't think that I've ever been through so much pain in my entire life. She's an amazing person. She's talented, she's smart, and she's beautiful, and to think that she thought no one cared about her sickens me. To think that she thought that if she killed herself no one would care. I would. I would care. And I hate feeling useless. I hate it so much, and I know I need to come out to her, at the very least, but I just can't. I have to corner myself into doing it.

    The other thing is, I know that I like her, a lot, but I'm 13 and she's 15, and she told me about a month ago that she found out that the girl she liked was straight. I don't know if I should still tell her that I like her, because there have definitely been times when I thought that she liked me.

    Thoughts?

    And thanks for reading through this whole thing.
     
  2. Envira

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    does anyone have any thoughts? I'm sorry that my writing is so long...
     
  3. WhiteShadows

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    Well, take it slow first. Come out to her. Just do it. There's no need to be scared.
    Then later on you can tell her about your feelings for her :slight_smile:
     
  4. Clay

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    Well she's bi, and she's your close friend, so coming out to her would be a safe bet I'd say.

    I wouldn't tell her that you like her though, not this soon anyway, but if you are going to come out to someone then she seems like a good choice.
     
  5. itsonlyrelative

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    At the risk of being cheesy I am going to use a quote:

    "For of all sad words of tongue or pen, The saddest are these: 'It might have been!"
    - John Greenleaf Whittier

    If you just sit around and don't say anything to "A" then you will always wonder what could have happened. Come out to her and tell her how you feel, if she doesn't feel the same then at least she will realize that someone does care. You will also stop having this mental debate with yourself.
     
  6. There are three thing I'd like to say to you:
    1st: Tell her what you really think about her. Tell her she's pretty, smart, talented, and all that. If she's depressed, she won't think such things of herself, and you don't know how much good a honest compliment can do to someone in that situation.
    2nd: Tell her you're bi/lesbian. It will do no harm and will take a huge weight off your shoulders. If you can't find the perfect situation, go casual with something like "uh, changing the subject, remember when you asked me if I was bi...?"
    3rd: Be patient and supportive to her. After you tell her about you, give it some time, tighten a bit more the bonds you have, show her you're there for her no matter what, and then, if you really think it's worth a shot, ask her out or tell her she's really important to you. Or declare your love on the closest Valentine's, whatever you feel most comfortable with, hehe.
    Good luck, girl!