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Should I be offended or mad? Maybe I'm just confused..

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Zebra, Jan 16, 2014.

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  1. Zebra

    Zebra
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    Hello, my relationship ended recently because the girl I was seeing was getting questioned by her family and said that she just couldn't come out because of her parents...she said she can't be with another woman. She says she's in love with me and if it wasn't for her parents she would continue seeing me and be with me like what her heart tells her to. The fact that she says I can't be with the same gender is something I'm having trouble grasping. I just see myself as me and if we are in love why should it matter? I know I've been out for a while now but even when I was in the closet I still didn't see it as same gender love. I saw it as just love between two people. The fact that she sees it otherwise hurts me. We both are in love with each other and get along well and understand each other so well that I would think that would be enough for her to look past the gender thing. I'm upset because she loves me and gets along with me and it's me just me no gender just a person. How should I continue to process this? I'm really having trouble getting past this. We are still the best of friends though...
     
    #1 Zebra, Jan 16, 2014
  2. BookDragon

    BookDragon
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    It's not so much that she's thinking in terms of that, but her parents are. She means she literally cannot date someone of the same gender because of her parents, because of how they would react. You might see it as just two people dating, but her parents evidently don't.
     
    #2 BookDragon, Jan 16, 2014
  3. Zebra

    Zebra
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    Ya I see. So what now? I can't seem to get over this knowing that she feels the same way I do. I still have a glimmer of hope that one day she'll have an epiphany and have the courage to be herself and live for herself...
     
    #3 Zebra, Jan 16, 2014
  4. BookDragon

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    Well put it this way. How long do you feel like putting your love life on hold?
     
    #4 BookDragon, Jan 16, 2014
  5. RainbowMan

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    First off, how old are both you and this girl? There well may be very real safety issues for her coming out if she is dependent on her parents for a roof over her head - they may well take that away from her if they found out that she was in a same sex relationship.

    Is that very fair? No. However, it's sadly the truth for many people that are found by their parents to be in same sex relationships. Like EliaOtaku said, how long are you willing to put your love life on hold for this girl? It sounds like she probably wants to be with you, but because of her current situation cannot.
     
    #5 RainbowMan, Jan 16, 2014
  6. Zebra

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    Yes I know....we are 15 years apart and she's still early 20s and does live at home with traditional family values :frowning2:. I know what this situation is all about, and it doesn't look good for me! I'm just too stubborn and in love to realize and accept it :frowning2:..Aaahhh this sucks! Thanks
     
    #6 Zebra, Jan 16, 2014
  7. Zebra

    Zebra
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    Just curious...today her mom saw a picture of me and her with our arms around each other posing in front of a Christmas tree...I asked her if her mom said anything about it and she said no and she wasn't even worried about her mom seeing it.. To me that's a little odd being that we were so close to each other in the picture. Do you think her mom is so oblivious that she just thought nothing of it; because to me it looks obvious that we are more than friends or maybe it's because I know the real truth?? Just wondering .. :/
     
    #7 Zebra, Jan 17, 2014
  8. BookDragon

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    Unless she saw you having sex, it would be really easy to assume you're good friends. If you're not already looking for proof someones gay, chances are you'll miss little things like that.
     
    #8 BookDragon, Jan 17, 2014
  9. Zebra

    Zebra
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    That makes sense...I'm still keeping up some hope through a miracle that she will want to continue seeing me because our love is too strong to break...after typing this, it sounds too dreamy or unbelievable. I just am struggling with being just her best friend because our feelings go way beyond that :frowning2:.
     
    #9 Zebra, Jan 17, 2014
  10. Zebra

    Zebra
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    Having trouble just being friends.....my feelings are way to strong to pretend we're just friends. I don't know how she does it. She says she's still in love with me and knowing that makes me not want to give up. I told her that I would quit my job because we work together and she really got upset and begged me to stay and not leave her. It's just so hard for me to see her at work but yet no other time. She says she wants me to be her best friend and be there for her still. This is just so hard for me to deal with. I am so in love with her and I'm trying to interpret all these things she is telling me. I don't know anymore what I should think or do because all I know is that it's painful for me.
     
    #10 Zebra, Jan 24, 2014
  11. Cigsmoker

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    Hi Zebra, First off, I want to say I am sorry to hear your problem. I, too, have experienced the same thing over a year ago. The guy said he really loved me and wanted to be with me but he couldn't see me anymore because of his family and friends. He was scared to come out of the closet for fearing how people around him would react. I begged him to think things through but he wasn't man enough to do it. The guy is in his mid-20s and still living with his parents [its normal here in the Philippines, though]. In the end, I had no choice but to break it off with the guy and moved on with my life.

    It was extremely difficult at first but how do I feel now...just FABULOUS!

    My point is, I see both our experiences as a one-way love kind of thing. We love the -person whole-heartedly and we will go to whatever extent just for it. But the other party can't seem to bestow the same level of love and respect that we, as proud members of the LGBT community, truly deserve.

    I don't think you can call that a healthy relationship if one [or both] of you are suffering. While you have extreme strong feelings for this girl, you should also think of yourself as well. You may think that you won't be happy without her, but are you profoundly happy now? Knowing that she cannot continue on with the relationship out of fear and disrespect to her parents? I am not saying that she doesn't love you or that she's mean or anything. I actually do understand where she is coming from on this.

    The thought of her having an epiphany someday and realize that you are the only person for her sounds really exciting. And I do hope it will be a reality. But there is no guarantee it will definitely happen. Try to think of the here and now part of the situation as well. What is the best course of action for you guys to take?

    I'm not sure if this will help you realize some things but as I have mentioned earlier, I really do understand your situation and I wish things will be okay with you soon.

    Cheers!
    Cigsmoker [Sam]
     
    #11 Cigsmoker, Jan 25, 2014
  12. Noah86

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    She's an adult, so what if you asked her to move in with you instead of living with her parents? I know that can be a big step in a relationship, but if you both truly love each other, it sounds like it would work out. If she knew she'd have someplace to go and the support she needs in coming out maybe she'd feel safe enough to do so.

    Otherwise I'd say do your best to move on, you deserve someone who can be there for you.
     
    #12 Noah86, Jan 25, 2014
  13. Zebra

    Zebra
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    I wish it were that easy. She comes from a tight knit traditional family and their opinions are what she lives for. I'm at a point where I'm wondering why she is begging me to not move and she wants to remains friends.... For what? Is she being selfish and not understanding that it hurts me to just sit back and be friends. Or is it maybe she truly just sees me as a friend so it's that easy for her now to see me in that way.... I just know when I was still in the closet I wasn't like this and went for my feelings and didn't want to fake anything. Now I'm just getting pissed..
     
    #13 Zebra, Jan 25, 2014
  14. Zebra

    Zebra
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    Is it harder being bi? I just had an argument with my ex because I can't see why she just can't be strong enough to let our love be the driving force in coming out as bi...she got upset at me because she said it's harder because she's bi and therefore it's harder to deal with because if she comes out then she is in essence choosing the dreaded homosexual lifestyle and will be looked down upon because she chose to be with a woman...am I being selfish because I can't seem to respect and accept her decision? :frowning2:
     
    #14 Zebra, Jan 26, 2014
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2014
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