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Have a crush on someone in the closet, hate it

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Clay, Jan 16, 2014.

  1. Clay

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    So I guess I'll start by saying that I've never been in a situation where I had a crush like this before. Despite having mostly straight male friends I've never had a crush on them, they're just my mates, and everytime I've had a crush before those feelings were returned (a girl I was with for 2 and a half years and a gay guy I knew and met in a city). Because of this I don't know how to deal with it, and I hate it.

    Because I live in a small town our group of friends is split between girls and guys. I'd say it's about 60/40 for male-female ratio (everyone in it, bar me, is straight). There happens to be one boy in our group who is exceptionally good looking and also renowned for sleeping with every single girl in our group. There was even one girl who absolutely hated him, and he hated her, and then one night they ended up alone together and had sex (none of us understand how that happened). He also said he's attracted to people he "can't have", like girls in relationships. In fact he's even made girls in our group have affairs with him, yet somehow (not really sure how) he manages to get away scot free everytime, even after it's discovered. Point is, due to his good looks and charm he can manipulate people, and seems to only be interested in what he can't have.

    Anyway, due to us not being as close as I am with some of my other mates in that group, over time I found myself developing a crush for him. Apparently I suck at hiding it, my friends tease me as I tend to get a bit flustered and quieter around him.

    So one night when we were out drinking I was talking to him alone and he asked me about being gay. He said he's always wondered what it'd be like to sleep with a guy, among other questions for me. We spoke and that was about the end of it, we never got time alone together until a few weeks later, after a night of heavy drinking from both of us, where we both ended up at his. I honestly thought we were going to watch a movie, but to my surprise he decided to get naked instead. There wasn't any discussion involved, it just sorta happened, but he didn't seem to mind bringing up things for us to do. He fell asleep immediately after and I left before his family woke up in the morning.

    We saw each other the next day, both hungover, and he asked me what happened (not because he couldn't remember, he could, he just wanted my perspective) and when I left. We haven't spoken about it since. He's slept with girls since then too (it was late summer when this happened), but we haven't grown distant or closer. He acts like nothing happened and is still friendly, and I still act friendly and slightly tongue-tied. I thought we would be awkward around each other, or he would avoid me or something, but we're simply the same.

    Problem is I can't tell anyone about it. If I tell anyone in my group it'd be a total shock to them so more than likely the news would get back to him, which would show that I couldn't be trusted (because he's in the closet) and would basically future cockblock me. I can't talk to him about it because, well, what would I say? So the only thing I can think of doing, unless there's any other advice, is getting over the crush. So yeah I'm completely stumped in this situation, but I felt like I was going to explode if I didn't tell someone, hence this thread.
     
  2. confused1234

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    Why can't you talk to him? I assume you simply want clarification about what that night meant to him. Was it experimentation? One-night stand? Does he ever think about it or want to do it again? Just tell him you were thinking about it recently and that it's bugging you.

    I mean, he told you he wondered what it'd be like to sleep with a guy, so I think he would be open to answering your questions.
     
  3. resu

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    It seems like he might be bi or pan, and he might just have been an honestly curious (and horny) straight guy who basically seduced you into his fantasy.

    I think he at least should give you an explanation for why he did what he did. Who knows, maybe you're not the first guy, and he's been slowly making the rounds of your entire group, haha!
     
  4. fakeidentityduh

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    I would just ask him straight up if he'd be down for if again (if that's what you want) and if he says yes, cool, if he says no... well he'll probably end up just drunkenly going for it again, so it's really only a matter of your ability to be patient, hah.
     
  5. Clay

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    Well there's some problems, the main one is we never meet up alone. Seeing as though it's our group of friends we meet up in a group, or when there's at least one other person there. I can't talk about it with him unless we're alone simply because, from their perspective, he's straight. That's the most frustrating part, I feel like I'm back in the closet again, hiding something I shouldn't need to.

    Another problem is what would I say? I know he doesn't want a relationship with anyone, not just me, and I don't really want a relationship with him because I know it would never work between us. But I do want to sleep with him again. If I asked him what it meant to him then, whatever his answer, there would pretty much be no follow up questions I can think of. Like how would the exchange even go?

    There's some more things I forgot to mention in the op but I have to run now, will update later tonight.

    Edit: Oh and resu, I am the only guy he's done something with, I asked that immediately before I kissed him.
     
  6. fakeidentityduh

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    don't ask him what it meant. just simple message/text and be subtle about it, "hey if you wanna hang like we did the other night, I'd be down, just lmk"
     
  7. Clay

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    We don't text, but I guess I should talk to him about it. I still don't know what to do really, how would I even address that situation?
     
  8. Filip

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    Well, meeting up doesn't need to be a big hurdle. Sure, you might not randomly run into him on a regular day, or even text or communicate with him much. However, it really is as simple as contacting him and saying: "hey, I need to discuss a few things with you, without friends present. Could we meet up?"
    If possible, propose a day and hour yourself, though be open for him to propose a time that works better.

    Then, of course, is the issue of what to tell him. I obviously can't tell you what you want to tell him, but allow me to distill some bullet points from your previous posts:

    - You want to affirm, while sober and alone, that you had an awesome time
    - However, you had a crush on him before it happened and sleeping with him did nothing to make it go away.
    - In order to move on, you really feel like you'd need to know how he felt about it.
    - In order to fully move on, while you are already pretty sure what his answer will be, you want to hear from him whether it has any chance of happening again, or if it is never to be
    (at this point, you might want to stress that you aren't disappointed by a negative answer. Just that you need it from him, not just from the thoughts mulling around in your head)

    That already makes for a decent conversation. Since you already so eloquently laid the situation out in this post, I do believe it is something you can do. Also, no need to make it longer than you need to. If you have your answers in 20 minutes, then that's it. Thank him for agreeing to talk this through and shake hands!

    Regardless how it goes, you'll both know where you stand. That should already help you. Yeah, a likely outcome is him saying that it was fun to try out, but he sees no chance of it happening ever again. But sometimes a direct rejection is just what you need to move on!

    Above all, no matter how it goes: we're still here to talk to! Best of luck!
     
  9. Clay

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    Well I'm bumping this because there's been some recent updates.

    So a few weeks ago I told a friend of mine in confidence. A whole bunch of us were supposed to be meeting up for lunch and everyone backed out at the last minute, so it was just me and a girl. We had lunch and started talking and eventually it led to sex talk, and I confided in her my news. She was shocked obviously.

    Anyway cut to a few weeks later and news got around. I learned that everyone knew and no one told me, so I found out one night from basically everyone that they knew we slept together. During this whole time Ray was away in the city at uni, so I doubt news got to him, but this has basically forced my hand: I now have to tell him that I told someone and now everyone knows.

    I don't think he'll react badly, I mean he would have been a bit more secretive about it if he cared surely? I'm just disappointed in myself mostly. This is going to be an awkward conversation that's for sure, no idea how to bring this up to him so any advice here would be great.

    Anyway my crush for him has waned slightly. This has happened before, I think it must have something to do with him being away and I just sorta forget about it, but I saw him last night and with some other friends and it basically just reminded me that I'm definitely gay. Anyway point is he spoke to me alone briefly when we walked him and he told me he'll be finishing uni and coming home. He did most of the talking, I just cracked a few jokes but mainly listened for most of the walk, but I couldn't tell whether or not he was telling me this for a reason. He didn't bring it up earlier with everyone and just told me when we were walking home, I don't know if I'm reading too much into that.
     
  10. TJ

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    Well... nothing ever goes as planned, does it? :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Honestly, I'd suggest just bringing it up to him either via text or when you see him. "Hey, not to be awkward, but everyone knows we slept together. I wasn't sure if news had reached you or not."

    This could also be a chance to ask him about what it meant to him.
    It's natural that your crush would fade after not seeing him for a while. That's how I get rid of most crushes - stop seeing the person on a regular basis.

    Your conversation might be awkward, but it's long overdue.
     
  11. Clay

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    Well you're right that nothing ever goes to plan TJ.

    So I finally managed to speak to him alone, we've seen each other a few times over the course of this past week but never alone. Though I've been so worried about telling him that I think I was putting it off a bit. Anyway a few of us realised we had a day off our various works and had an impromtu drinking session that lasted through the night to 10 in the morning. Afterwards me and him were walking home together our exchange went like this:

    Me: "So I've been meaning to speak to you before you hear this from anyone else, but I told (the girl) about what happened between us a few months ago and news spread. Now almost everyone in the group knows. I'm really sorry."
    Him: "So does this mean I'm going to have to come out as bi?"
    Me: "No.. I don't think so.. it.."
    Him: *Begins to say something else but I inturrupt him*
    Me: "I don't think you will. I think everyone has suspected for a while now.."
    Him: "You know what it's alright man it doesn't matter."
    Me: "I didn't mean for this to happen I just feel absolutely terrible." *Then I explained to him how it happened*
    Him: "It's alright don't worry about it."

    Also what I completely forgot was that, on new years eve 2012/2013, he went "Fuck it" and tried to kiss me right there in the town centre in front of everyone when it struck midnight. I was the one that chickened out (trust me I was kicking myself for months). Because of that he seemed more confident than even I was. He's never said he's gay or bi, but then again he didn't care that anyone saw him kissing me. If I remebered that I would've brought it up as to why everyone has suspected for ages, but I just forgot.

    Anyway we had a long talk after that, about something completely different. I don't want to say here because but basically it ended with us hugging and me telling him he can talk to me about anything whenever he wants.

    So I think I can say it'll be alright. He now knows that other people know, but I think that the next step will be to talk about everything else.
     
    #11 Clay, Apr 29, 2014
    Last edited: Apr 29, 2014