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How to break up with someone

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Mystory, Jan 17, 2014.

  1. Mystory

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    Hi,

    to be blunt- I am just not happy. I guess i started the relationship already unimpressed but only stayed because of the person's depression and the fact that he is in such a tough situation. I thought that maybe if I kept trying I would like him or fall in love. but the opposite has happened,- he has only become more and more depressed, and has now professed that I am his sole source of happiness, and the 'only reason' he doesn't commit suicide. I feel like, since this is still relatively new (one month?), ending it now would make it hurt less, but he seems just so keen, saying things like he has found true love, making plans for the future- i just don't know how to break it to him that i don't feel the same way, and that the past three weeks have been...unpleasant for me- fraught with drama, headaches, and the fact that the basis of this relationship has centred almost exclusively on giving him self-esteem and addressing his crippling depression. I have thought of breaking up many times but it just never seems to be the right time. everytime i want to talk to him about the relationship, something horrible pops up in his life (which he has no qualms with telling me) and it would just look terrible if i tried breaking up right after him telling me what happened. and then there's the fact that currently he has no close friends, and he uses really only myself for support... i know it sounds simple, but i just don't know how to go about it. should i wait it out a bit longer (he also is facing immigration visa problems, so my plan was to ride it out until he gets residency?) or end it now? he just seems to be getting more and more hysterical in terms of us being in a LTR...
     
  2. Fourth Gate

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    The longer you'll be in a relationship, the harder it's going to be for him to let go. Try to cut the strings as soon as possible, if not for your own sake then do it for his. It's always hard when someone depends on you like that and build his entire life up around you, but you can't let this be the reason for you staying.

    You need to live your own life and be happy. You shouldn't be in a relationship with someone because you pity them. You need to stop it now before he gets even more attached.

    What about his family? Do they know? You might want to bring this up with them, you shouldn't have to shoulder this alone.

    This is most probably going to sound very cruel, but you shouldn't let him blackmail you into staying. You have your own life and even though he might not understand, leaving him is just as much for his own good, as it is for yours.
     
  3. Mystory

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    the sad thing is, no he doesn't have any friends or family. it's such a complicated story and you might think i'm crazy as to why i'm still staying but essentially his ex partner (to be clear they have broken up but decided to remain roommates) has him held hostage both in a legal position, financial position and also in an emotional position using blackmail, and i just sort of feel awful leaving him to that situation- but you are right. i'm just unhappy in this relationship and i never imagined that my first relationship with a guy could have been so overwhelmingly disappointing and indifferent.

    this might sound amoral, but do you think i should just lie to him to protect his feelings? Lie in the sense that, when I do break up with him, i make it unequivocally clear that it wasn't his fault and that it's more of my fault? in saying that, i do feel that way...

    what are your thoughts on how i should address this? everytime we meet up its to either help him with his legal position or to support him through his depression- should i just end him a text message saying straight off the cuff that we need to talk about our relationship?

    thanks for ur reply btw
     
  4. Fourth Gate

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    Try to sit down and talk to him, if you're going to have this talk it should be in person and not over the phone. It's alright to lie in a situation like this, and to be honest i would do the same if i was in your shoes. Tell him that you're having some problems yourself and things you need to sort through in your life, and that you need some time alone to figure out what it is that you want.

    You would gain nothing from saying that it's his fault, so don't do that.
     
  5. Mystory

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    thank you so much Fourth Gate, I will try to sit down with him when the situation allows...i just honestly hope that i can go through with it...
     
  6. resu

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    You pretty much know what will happen if you stay with him. He will find more and more things to weigh you down and feel guilty. It will never get better because he's not getting better. You need to cut yourself free because right now he thinks that as long he has you, he doesn't have to deal with his serious problems. You are being his crutch.
     
  7. Mystory

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    I was planning on doing it today, and he kept saying stuff like "i love you", 'you are my life" and stuff to me all throughout today... i feel absolutely awful... am i a bad person? i reconsidered tellng him a lie, but the truth just seems so bitter and i'm afraid it might make him a resentful person- the truth that i just no longer liked him.. we've only been dating maybe 3 weeks mind you :/
     
  8. resu

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    You're not a bad person. In fact, you will be a better person for him as just a friend rather than a romantic partner. At three weeks, he is getting way too attached to say you are his life.
     
  9. Mystory

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    Thanks so much resu, this really helped calm me
     
  10. resu

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    (*hug*)
     
  11. Mystory

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    so, today I finally did it, we went to somewhere and I told him. I waited, hopefully, for the right moment because we had to do something stressful before that (involving the police in another matter) and I waited until he calmed down first because I didn't want him to be thinking about a break up right before a police interview. I guess I realised that there never really is a "good time" to break up with someone... it will always be bad news, but I hope that with the great outcome of the police interview, maybe it wouldn't have been so bad... When it came to the reason- i guess i took a compromise.. i didn't lie to him, and i tried my hardest to make sure he realised that it wasn't his fault- i guess when I was looking in his eyes, i thought that he deserved better than a lie. that said, the full truth would have been too blunt as well. I had to stop myself several times from relapsing and giving him false hope i guess... i feel sort of awful but i feel liberated and free at the same time- for the first time in weeks