Best friend turned out to have a crush on me... and I think I destroyed it.

Hello everyone!

This is my second thread here; you seem so helpful and positive that since I have a problem related to my orientation (again), I immediately thought about writing here.

My problem is, well, a problem with a relationship and friendship at the same time. Maybe it's more about the friendship.

Warning, looong story. I'll make a tl;dr if someone wants.

About a year ago (in February to be exact) I met a guy through a good friend of mine. I wanted my friend to introduce me to him, since I knew he was setting up a website about a topic which was my passion as well and thought I could help him, since he seemed like a really nice guy.
We started talking more and more with every day, starting with March he decided to have a month without internet, but promised to keep me posted. He was like a younger brother to me (he is two years younger), he always told me about his problems, how was at school, what made him laugh, etc. etc. And boy, is he smart! His knowledge about computers and networking in general is simply astounding, he is so talented, that he was asked by Town Hall members to help them with setting something up. I always tried to help him out when he turned to me and tried to ask for his help only when I really had no idea on what to do.

That friendship went on and on for the next few months. In late July I told him I was bisexual, which he totally accepted. He replied by saying he felt... That actually he didn't felt attracted to any of the sexes. (He wasn't sure if he was asexual or something, he just described it that "both sexes have failed me") He said he only wanted to be loved by someone. I said I'll always be there to help him, he thanked me and such, I thought it was a generic "you're my friend" talk. Fast-forward to October, he is totally offline for half a day (which was very strange for him, since it was Sunday). He eventually writes to me, saying that his mother was angry at him and he is currently at his cousin's since ten (it was 1PM IIRC). I ask what happened, he replied that "My mother wanted me to wash the dishes, I replied "Just a moment, I'll reply." (to me) and she went into my room, furious, said "Friends are always more important to you than your chores" and literally smashed my Macbook into pieces.". I. Was. Speechless. But I believed him, he never lied to me in any matter. Since he said that he ran away that night, I asked where did he spend his night. He replied that he had spent it in his cousin's garden, crying for hours. Since by then I had known him quite well, it did seem plausible. When ha had access to computer he wrote to me, reminding me that he loves me and thanked me for being with him. (And a lot of hearts.) When the situation calmed down, he told me me loved me more in a "relationship" sense than in "like a brother" sense. And I realized I love him too. Later he told me that he had known that since I told him about my orientation, but was scared to admit it. And he was really happy that he finally found the courage to say it.

We were really happy with each other, we kept in touch all the time, I woke up to a message from him basically everyday, we went to sleep at the same time and so on, and so forth... To sum it up - everything was great. He told me not to be afraid of his parents checking his phone, since he had everything locked down and logged out whenever he could.

In December he started writing less. And tool much longer to reply. I asked what was the matter and first he said it was just a result of not sleeping for three days (class trip). Fair enough, then he felt really bad and I understood that too. He had quite a few things to do for the school (since he is a computer genius after all), kept me updated, I tried to help him with everything I could. During the Christmas he went really silent for a few days. When I eventually got to talk with him, he said he just took too many projects and couldn't deal with everything. It was okay, he said he should be online more in the New Year. I send him a text on New Year's midnight, saying how important he is for me and such (tried to call, didn't answer - okay, he was on a party, maybe didn't hear it, I was okay with all). No reply, but I got to talk with him in two days. He said he just had his notifications turned off, because he wanted to do something without distractions. Fair enough. I still sent him 3-4 messages a day - in the morning, after school, sometimes when I found something cool and when I went to sleep. Sometimes he replied, but that was a rare thing. I had a nice talk with him last Monday, when he told me that he really didn't avoid me or anything, he just wanted to be alone and such. I told him again how much I loved him and such, he was flattered.

I continued to send a few messages a day, knowing that he will eventually read them. And on Friday, something happened. He wrote a message, I was so happy, I opened the chat window and found only "Great.". I asked "What happened?", to which he took some time and answered "Guess, why should I write actually.". I was puzzled and wrote "Jake, what's the matter? If I were to guess it would be either parents, someone from the class [he use to really hate his classmates] or maybe I have done something wrong. I really don't know.". His reply: "It really is enough that you are sending me tons of messages on Facebook.". Ouch. He never told me he was against it, I thought he actually like them... Continuing: "My mom's phone went off, so she put her SIM in my old iPhone.
And I didn't have notifications turned off on that one." I was scared as hell and replied: "OH.
DAMN." The conversation went on:
He: Yeaaah, damn.
Me: Shiiiit.
- She put the phone down, but left the SIM inside. So I checked it out later.
- JESUS. But, wait. None of them was marked as read.
- I doubt she read anything, because when I unlocked in the banners showed up, but there was no notifications on the lockscreen.
And now she's looking strangely at me.
Awesome.
- JESUS. I-I don't know what to do. I'm so dumb. ARGH.
- Honestly, if I knew you would ping me on WhatsApp and Instagram, I would have logged myself out.
- But I didn't write anything wrong there. I THINK. Damn, I'm so angry at myself.
- I turned off the Messenger notifications, but then Facebook kicked in with its. Nothng was read, the phone just started vibrating like a madman. It really wasn't necessary.
- ...
- I'm deleting my Facebook account then.
- What? Why?
- F*ck, you're asking why?
You realize what you have wrote?
I have no idea what did she see, but she had to see something.
- Nothing. Nothing was marked as read.
- She gave it to me right after that. And said she'll wait until it charges up.
- God, I hate myself.
- No.
It's just I told you that if I'm not replying, it means I'm not here.
It's okay, you could write.
But be aware, that if you are not writing with me.
Then someone else could be using the computer. [I asked him about that a few months ago and he said he always logs out, so it's not a problem.]
Now I'm going to have a talk when my father comes back.
- I... I just can't. I thought you have always logged out.
- On Steam it was actually my brother.
- That's why I thought, so I just wrote: "Have fun!".
- But how could I know my old phone will get all those notifications?
Yeah, but I was scared about it too.
[...]
He: This can't be. F*ck me. Screw up of the year. And the next 30 years.
Me: And it's my fault.
He: Don't annoy me even more. I never said it was your fault. It's just, when I'm not replying, it means I'm not available. I may be there physically, but it doesn't mean I'm available in theory.

Next day I asked, if everything was okay. He read it, didn't reply. I saw his comment on a group he was an administrator of (and which I was a member of), so I thought to myself "Phew. She didn't have his internet cut off or anything.".
I wrote to him again today. I said I hope everything's okay, since I saw his posts, that I missed him because I'm having a rough week and asked if he was angry at me.
His reply: "Yes, I am.". I said "It's okay. I understand you.". And then me puzzled me again: "Buttering up really won't help. I have no idea why do you want to have a contact with my friends so much. And you promised me it will never happen. That's sad.". Ouch. Was he angry at me more for having a discussion with his friend in their group? I really didn't want to get closer to any of his friends.
Continuing:
"But it wasn't that bad.
I just learned a lesson and know I'll never do it again."
I dug the topic a bit more:
Me: Hey, Jake, why do you think it's about your friends? If you're talking about Patrick, well, we just had a discussion in the comments.
He: If I were a dick.
You would get banned for offtopic.
But I just have a feeling.
No!
You probably misunderstood that.
But I would do it.
- Hmm. I think I understand. I think.
- That's good.
Because I'm angry.
And it won't change anytime soon.
- And I understand you.
- So, cya, I'm going to play some Max Payne.
- Just a moment. Tell me, what are you specifically angry about? Only this, I only want to know what hurt you, so I could try to make it not happen anymore.
Because you are really important to me.
- It's not about those tons of messages I had from you when I woke up.
Although now.
Because of that.
I'm sitting at my room and not going anywhere.
Because I had a "nice" because of that.
So I'm very grateful for that.
But potentially.
I can see you really.
But reaaaaaally.
Want to get to my friends.
Because had I not been an admin there, this group would just be another spam one. And don't tell it wouldn't be so.
Because we both know about it.
And it's not that I think about it in other words simply because I was asked to help. It is a spam group.
- Okay, I'm not going to deny your words - you're right. I wouldn't have noticed that group if you weren't an admin there.
- And it reminds me of our project (dead for now, I'm moving to USA [I have no idea, if he's talking about servers or the site itself]), where you didn't want to create an account for me.
I wanted to do something on my own too.
And just calm down.
- Argh. Jake. The whole account thing was supposed to be a joke [it indeed was, I just knew he would do everything by himself and I really wanted to show him I also can].
And I understand you may have wanted to calm down and be alone for a while. [...]"

He didn't read the last few messages, I wrote in them that I have really spammed him too much. And it was not necessary. The thing is I'm getting attached to people pretty quickly. And most of the "friends" I thought I had left me without a word. I didn't want this to happen with him. He is the best person I have ever met, he cared for me, always helped me out when I needed it and always understood me. He even laughed from my linguistic jokes, even though I knew he didn't really understand them.

Both my mum and my other friend tell me he'll be fine. They tell me that I should leave him alone for a week, two, maybe three. And he'll eventually stop being angry at me. I really hope it will be that way, I now try to distance myself from his friends and I thought I'll message him during the next weekend. Maybe he'll feel better.

The worse thing for me is that we'll probably never get to see each other know, if his mum have started to hate me because of what I have wrote to him (eg "Miss you.", "Had a great day, shame it was all without you."). Is this situation really bad or is everything going to be fine eventually?

Thanks for reading through all of it and sorry for my English, it's not my first language.
Adrian

 

Thank you for your replies, guys! You put a smile on my face, really.

Do you think I should leave him completely alone, i.e. not write at all, not like or comment on his photos etc. etc. (I commented on a status today, which he deleted quite quickly. It could be, could be something else.)? Or maybe I should only try not to write messages?
I'm really afraid he'll forget me. Although, when I had a more throughout look at the matter, it seems he is more angry at me for trying to get his friends attention. At least that's what I think he saw. Yeah, as I said before I had a discussion with he friends and yes, I _was_ a bit jealous of them (WAS!). But it was just a discussion, nothing personal or anything.

Maybe he is scared that I'll tell one of his friends his secret or something? Because he seems really protective of them.

And, about meeting in person, well. That will be hard. I don't live in US. We are separated by about 200 kilometers. That may seem like not a very long distance, but the shortest I could get there using buses/trains/such is almost 6 hours. And besides that my mum would probably not let me go there alone. What is worse, our winter breaks are right after each other - his break starts right when my ends (my country is strange).
But I do hope we'll get to meet each other! He's really like a brother to me and it's the first time we fell out with one another. :/

Thanks again!

 

Thanks for the explanation. I understand what you mean. It's not that I think "OMG, I LOST THE LOVE OF MY LIFEEE". No, no, it's more about our friendship. I've had a great time with him even before I knew he was into me, I survived almost a month without him, I am really capable of making my thoughts not revolve around him if I'm sure he is safe and will eventually start talking to me again. Because it seems like a fairly simple problem.

Thanks again, guys. I really appreciate your help and sorry if my questions seem really selfish or something - I'm just really mad at myself that I made him angry. Well, I guess I'll give him a week or so, maybe I'll try to contact him sometime during the weekend if the situation will seem better. And if not, I'll wait. I have tons of other things to do, it's just I want to be sure nothing bad will happen to him. He told me a lot about how people from his surroundings betrayed him and such and that's probably why I got so "clingy".

 

Oh, right. Well, he is 16 and I'm 18, which seems to confirm your theory. I actually never encountered this term before and, damn, it fits so well with this situation.

 

Thank you so much for such a reply! You are right, what is more, I have always been the kind of guy who always panics. Someone didn't reply? Panic. Mum is angry at me? Panic. Another test? Panic. Bad grade? Panic. and so on, and so forth...

I'm currently trying to give him some time alone. I see he is online and comments here and there, that's good. I'm not writing to him, not liking any of his comments, I'm even trying not to write anything in any group, since we share a lot of groups. No messeges, not on Facebook, not on WhatsApp, nowhere. I think I'll try to chat with him during the weekend and ask how has he been and such. He is a very bright guy, so he may notice that I really tried to leave him alone and there's a chance he'll be fine just with that. But he is also able to hold a grudge against someone for a long time (months, maybe even years). If he'll seem still angry, I think I'll ask him on what can I do make him feel less angry (leave alone, cut any contact with his friends, I don't know). I'll remind him how important he was and still is to me and try to keep the conversation short. Do you think it all makes sense?

Thanks again, guys, you've been a great help so far!