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Can straight people ever understand?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by femmeinpink, Jan 21, 2014.

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  1. femmeinpink

    femmeinpink
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    My parents are Christians, but we don't go to church as much as we used to when I was a kid, and my parents are pretty liberal and understanding. However, I'm still worried about coming out to them based on comments they have made. I'm not really sure these are homophobic at all, but they frustrate me because I know they have good intentions, but they just don't understand.

    For instance, my mom and I were talking the other day and somehow the topic of gays in the church came up. I think we brought up how our church was bringing in some kind of scout-like outdoors group and the group seemed pretty homophobic. Anyways, my mom said some positive things about how gay people tend to be in pretty dedicated, monogamous relationships compared to some straight people. I was feeling pretty optimistic that I could finally come out to my family without any doubts about how they'd take it. But then she said something about how everyone sins (maybe implying that being gay is a sin?) and things are between them and God and that she supports gay people but "that lifestyle isn't for me" and then kinda laughing it off.

    Even though I've hinted to her that I'm a lesbian, I still don't think she fully knows so she can't understand why these comments hurt me. Like I said, she means well and she said some things that give me hope, but I just think being gay/lesbian/bi/etc is something straight people will never be able to fully comprehend for themselves because they've never dealt with it personally.

    So should I just ignore these ignorant comments or attempt to educate her and the rest of my family on gay issues? My immediate family is not intolerant, I just think they can't quite understand and I'm not sure if it's worth it to try to get them to.
     
    #1 femmeinpink, Jan 21, 2014
  2. BookDragon

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    You could point out that since she's already living 'that lifestyle' as much as anybody else is. Ask her what she thinks a gay lifestyle involves if you take the sex part out.
     
    #2 BookDragon, Jan 21, 2014
  3. resu

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    I saw somewhere "Homophobia is a lifestyle choice. Homosexuality is a biological reality." And I think that sums it up well. Basically, what your situation is right now is just having a mom who is ignorant about the realities of homosexuality, and she is unlikely to learn more about that until you explain it to her. Try asking how does she know she is straight and how can she prove it.
     
    #3 resu, Jan 21, 2014
  4. stocking

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    I noticed that some homophobic people don't understand until they realize someone in there family gay , or lesbian but not all learn.
     
    #4 stocking, Jan 21, 2014
  5. femmeinpink

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    Thanks for all the advice! Resu, I really like that idea of homophobia as a lifestyle choice. Nobody is born fearing/hating gay people but it's something they learn along the way and have to unlearn. I guess the only way she will learn to be more tolerant is if I'm more open with her in the future. And Stocking, like you said, maybe she'll understand once I come out...at least I hope!
     
    #5 femmeinpink, Jan 22, 2014
  6. stocking

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    I hope so too
     
    #6 stocking, Jan 22, 2014
  7. Echoing

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    It's amazing how many children are perfectly OK with gay and trans people. They seem to get it immediately when you give them the explaination "This guy loves that guy" or "this lady was born with a girl's brain but a boy's body".
    As you observed, prejudice is learned.
     
    #7 Echoing, Jan 22, 2014
  8. setnyx

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    i have met a few straight people who really seem to understand. also others who got when i asked them if they could change who THEY were attracted to.
     
    #8 setnyx, Jan 22, 2014
  9. BadCanadaJoke

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    You could consider first coming out to her and then educating her... That way she might be more willing t understand you and also be more open to the fact that her idea of what being gay entails and how it is...

    I mean, if it doesn't concern her, why should she bother educate herself about it, or care about learning more about sth that's so alien to her?!
     
    #9 BadCanadaJoke, Jan 22, 2014
  10. Maea96

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    I totally understand you...
    I had a discussion a few times during one month last year, with my best friend and her boyfriend. I really tried to make them understand that this whole "LBGT" thing isn't as easy as it seems like.

    Me myself being the only gay person I know, I do tend to feel depressed, angry, sad, confused and alone. But they don't just understand that.

    Their responses are:
    "My friend has been cheated on 3 times. That is even worse than your situation"
    "I just don't get it. You have us as friends, and some other people. You should be happy about that. We are...."
    "There's much more bigger things to worry about in life, than being gay. You have work, relationships and other things"

    Hello? Me being gay impacts close to EVERYTHING in my entire life. The fact that they don't understand it, is probably okay. But they wouldn't even support me.
    *shrug* straight people...
     
    #10 Maea96, Jan 22, 2014
  11. dano218

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    I think your mom needs some real education on homosexuality and the bible. The bible says nothing about homosexuality in its original language. God loves homosexuals just as anybody else and knows they were born gay and it is not a sin. The bible has be rewritten so many times and many ministers have twisted the bible to fit their needs and to brainwash their congregations into believing what they believe is right. I am not saying you need to confront your mom and start telling her off. Kindly tell her what you think on the subject and you don't come out in order to do that. It may help her accept your sexuality when you do come out. A lot of people are only caught up in what their church thinks on subjects and don't open their minds to other teachings.
     
    #11 dano218, Jan 22, 2014
  12. femmeinpink

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    That must be SO frustrating! I'm sorry you haven't gotten the support you deserve. This is something that scares me about coming out, just thinking that I will be shrugged off and no one will understand anyway. I guess I'll have to come out first, then see what kind of response I get and work to fix it.

    ---------- Post added 22nd Jan 2014 at 05:21 PM ----------
    I really like this approach! Even though she's told me she worries about how conservative and intolerant our church is becoming, I think she's still being brainwashed by what the church is teaching. I'm sure it's hard for her to admit, since we've been going to the same church for 15+ years but this a subject that's really important to me, and I'd like her support as much as possible.
     
    #12 femmeinpink, Jan 22, 2014
  13. Kasey

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    Read my sig.
     
    #13 Kasey, Jan 22, 2014
  14. femmeinpink

    femmeinpink
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    So true! Kids just get it. I wish everyone could keep that innocence and acceptance forever. Things would be so much easier that way.
     
    #14 femmeinpink, Jan 22, 2014
  15. dano218

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    The way it seems your mom could be much worse cause I know what extreme homophobia looks like and your mom seems like she'll be open to who you are and how you feel about religion. Sometimes what people need is just simple education on the issue and a whole new world opens up for them.
     
    #15 dano218, Jan 22, 2014
  16. Mogget

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    Straight people will never fully understand what it's like not to be. They'll never get it on the visceral, lived level that we experience it on. That doesn't mean they can't learn to empathize with us, but they'll never truly "get" us.
     
    #16 Mogget, Jan 22, 2014
  17. gaymersofter

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    This in my experience is a fantastic argument. Whenever I've used it I see, the gears working in their head, thinking "Oh S***! That's how they know they are gay/lesbian/bi."

    But I do believe people are able to do a 180 change their opinions. It's happened several times in my life. The thing is education. As well as "humanizing" and putting a face to the community. Eventually they will start to think, those gay people dress like, eat like, like what we like, they don't seem like bad people. It's like "colored people". During the 1940's, whites hated non whites. Now most whites don't hate them. Give it time and they will see things differently. :thumbsup:
     
    #17 gaymersofter, Jan 23, 2014
  18. Haze

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    I honestly don't think straight people will ever fully understand what it's like to be gay/bi/whatever else, but then I don't think LGBT people will ever fully understand what it's like to be straight either. The best we can do is empathize and get along as best we can.
    As for your Mum, education is always one of the most powerful tools you have. Use it however you see fit.
     
    #18 Haze, Jan 23, 2014
  19. femmeinpink

    femmeinpink
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    I think it all is a matter of time and education! Things are changing a lot now, especially in the U.S. and gay marriage and other rights are becoming more accepted by the majority. I would also like to believe that most straight people aren't homophobic, they've just been indoctrinated by the church/media/etc to believe these things and now that opinions are changing, most people will too!

    ---------- Post added 24th Jan 2014 at 02:32 PM ----------
    Very true, I never thought of it the other way around. I know I could be more accepting of straight relationships, as jealous as they sometimes make me because I know my relationship with a woman won't always be seen as normal and acceptable as most straight relationships are.
     
    #19 femmeinpink, Jan 24, 2014
  20. greatwhale

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    I agree with the general tone: straight people cannot fully understand what it means to be gay, what it feels like or how this attraction works for us.

    But "understanding" is a difficult word in this context, because it also implies that we know why...in truth, no one knows why they are either gay...or straight...
     
    #20 greatwhale, Jan 24, 2014
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