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Stress/anxiety is affecting our relationship...

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by nightday86, Jan 22, 2014.

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  1. nightday86

    nightday86
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    Hello. I am in the midst of a rather unique situation with my partner. He and I have only been dating for eight months however we moved in together around the six month point mainly to assist with finances and to prepare for some major events. The specific life-event I bring up is causing a rather massive impact on our relationship. You see, my partner is in his mid thirties and found out about three months ago that he will be going in for open-heart surgery at the beginning of next month. Since discovering this news he has pulled away from me significantly. He is very anxious, often depressed, and at time withdrawn. He will randomly start crying and wake up in the middle of the night in tears.

    Truthfully, there is much stress on both sides of the spectrum here and we have certainly taken it out on each-other and lashed out. I am level two bipolar and, while I am medicated for my disorder and attempt to maintain it I have lost control a time or two. This has caused a rift that has grown over the last two months. Within the last month he has started questioning our relationship and his feelings for me. It has become so bad that he even has told me he feel it is "inevitable" that we will break up. He claims that he doesn't believe he can be in love with me and is unsure if the feelings can ever come back.

    To be honest, all this stress aside I have come to realize through all of this that I am genuinely in love with him. Even through all of the turbulence we're experiencing right now, I just want to see him make it through this and heal physically as well as emotionally. I hate that my own personal issues have done nothing but provide more stress. I feel selfish for trying to pull away at times but he also is not affectionate or loving toward me so I am lost as to how I should interact with him.

    I fear that, after the surgery is finished, he will still feel a lack of feelings toward me. Do you think that his lack of love could be stemming from these current hardships he is experiencing? What can I do to show him I love him and that I am present but also protect my heart in case he pulls away completely? Since we live together, there are times I feel I should just leave. I'm terrified of being hurt in the end of this. But I do love him. And I moved in knowing the surgery was drawing near.

    I honestly couldn't leave him alone after the surgery. I just fear that, based off the way things have been going, it is inevitable that we break up. I think it is so unfortunate that we never had a chance to just love each-other. This surgery has cast a dark shadow on our relationship and it breaks my heart. I just want to be happy with him again.

    Could his doubts and lack of feelings be stemming from the stress and anxiety?
    Do you feel he can't see how much I love him because he has so much fear and paranoia he's dealing with on his own right now?
    Is it possible that, after the surgery his feelings may resurface once the stress and tension is removed and we can co-habitate together again like a normal couple?

    I just want to take care of him while he is ill and love him as much as I possibly can right now. It is just so hard with the fear that it may not last looming in the back of my head...

    Any advice?
     
    #1 nightday86, Jan 22, 2014
  2. TJ

    TJ
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    Sorry that you two are in such a stressful situation.
    First - I don't think I'll be able to respond to everything. I've gotta leave for class here in a few minutes, but I'll just pitch in this.

    Stress, especially at the crazy level that he's at, changes people. Not always permanently, but it puts them in a new situation that they're not used to, and it also lets them see how their partner deals with them being stressed.
    Sometimes it's good, but like I said, he's probably super super super stressed. :/
    I think if you're worried about losing him after this, you should just be as caring as you can.
    Don't be up in his face all the time, "How are you? How are you? How are you?" annoying. Just be there to listen, and help him with what he needs.

    Yes - I think his lack of love is stemming from his hardships. I know firsthand that it will affect that.
    He's thinking about other things. His life, his future. He's not thinking about you as much. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you, but he's looking at the bigger picture.

    I advise that you not try to protect yourself if he draws away.
    If you do that, it'll just seem like you anticipate him leaving you.
    As much as you might want to protect yourself, if you truly love him, give him what you've got and hope that he pulls through okay.

    Anyway - I've gotta go. Good luck. I'll read this thread again tonight. :slight_smile:
     
    #2 TJ, Jan 22, 2014
  3. greatwhale

    greatwhale
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    TJ has given you some very good observations, stress is a killer of relationships, and yes, your partner is very worried. Open-heart surgery is never risk-free, but the best you can do is just be there, and respect the distance that he needs at this point in his life.

    You love him and that's good, the love that you have for him must include a great deal of respect for the (hopefully) temporary boundaries he has put on your relationship. As TJ said, just be there, help him when he asks and give him space.

    I should also warn you that the post-surgery period can be very emotional. What arrangements have you made in case things go bad (unpleasant to think about, I know), but what is your status with regard to visiting him in the hospital, etc.?
     
    #3 greatwhale, Jan 22, 2014
  4. nightday86

    nightday86
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    Thank you for the honest feedback.

    Truth be told, we broke up last night.

    I am pretty beat up over it but also understand. There is a lot of stress in his life right now and my dramatics over the relationship are not helping. I can get pretty consumed in my own feelings and have made this last month or so about me more so then him and his impending surgery. I need to step back and grow from this.

    He needs space and time to prepare for his big ordeal.

    I'm still going to be living with him after the surgery. I will ideally be able to help him recuperate while also really getting to understand my own flaws.

    I still have a lot to learn when it comes to relationships and how to make them succeed. Chock this up to experience I suppose?
     
    #4 nightday86, Jan 25, 2014
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