So I'm 19, in a liberal college in the Northeast. Paying with student loans, I'm the typical American college student. Came out in 2013 gradually, made new friends in the fall semester. Met my boyfriend in late October, started dating on November first. Things moved really quick, first relationship, first kiss, first intimate partner, all of that. We live on the same block, so naturally we see each other all the time. We have great communication and really care for each other. He's been perfect for me as someone who is new to relationships, and I care a lot about him. He's so sweet and kind and awesome. Problem is this: he is flat out broke. Literally has no money right now, and I mean like less than $5 in his bank account. His dad refuses to help him (he doesn't support him at all), and my boyfriend won't get a paycheck for a few weeks. With the timing of winter break, when he gets paid got thrown off because he didn't live on campus over break to work. His dad said he'll give him money late next week when he gets his paycheck, but in the meantime my boyfriend has no money. He's got loans and what not, and doubts he'll live anywhere near campus next year (fall 2014). He says he will have a long commute 2 days a week and that will be it. He lives in the dorms so he doesn't pay rent, but he has no meal plan. So I met a great guy who I care about, but we're 19 both turning 20 soon (the point of our age is that it's just college, it's not like we're going to move in or something anytime soon). It seems like he won't be around much after the semester, so it's sort of doomed to fail (I think). I told him he needs to see a therapist, because he is so depressed and although I listen, I can't help him because I don't know what to say. Therapy is free on campus and he said he'd go. Meanwhile, I wouldn't mind spotting him like 30 bucks for some food, but financial dependence in the relationship has disaster written all over it. The relationship in terms of emotional dependence is vastly unequal. I don't know what to do. Breaking up with him would make him depressed, yet his problems make me worry for him, and that's not entirely fair for a 19 year old. I know we'll be friends assuming this eventually ends, or at least be civil with each other. We care about each other too much to stop looking after each other, but I'm lost. When I’m not around him, I want my independence back and to not feel as responsible for him. When I’m with him I love our intimacy and want to be there, even if I can’t help him directly. Any insight is appreciated. PS. I am on EmptyClosets everyday but rarely post as I feel like I have little advice to offer anyone, so I sort of feel guilty for using it selfishly without giving back too much. Hopefully as I get more experience my advice will be more practical.
First of all, I'd like to say that I'm happy that you found some one who you enjoy being around. Those can be hard to come around these days so my initial instinct would be to try to keep him around. You had some good advice about telling him to see a professional. That's the first step because when you think about it he won't be able to get out of his life hardships if he can't first try to learn to handle the depression. Now, you are right that it can be problematic if he is financially dependent on you long term. I think it's alright to spot him a few times but he also needs to find a way through it on his own as well. I'm actually really shocked that there isn't some funds allocated to him if he is both broke and financially independent. In some colleges there are work study programs which allocate jobs SPECIFICALLY for those students who require money but are not supported by their parents. Has he tried filling out a FAFSA form? That can actually cover some college funds. Now, as for jobs, I would suggest working as a tutor. I know. Maybe it doesn't sound that great but when you think about it it is a convenient job for some one his age. There are certain websites specifically for tutors looking for students. You can set your rates on most of them and choose when and for who you will be a tutor for. I really suggest you google that. I know a few names but from my understanding we are not totally allowed to put website names on emptycloset....but google it and see what happens
Thanks for the quick reply! I appreciate it. He has a job, and he gets paid weekly, but he didn't have it over winter break and we just got back. He works Fridays and weekends and can support himself in terms of food (which is his only essential expense outside of a few thousand dollars in loans, ) when he works. So if I spotted him it would really be a one time thing. He wants another job, so I'll definitely look into the tutoring idea! Thanks for that! And he can't get many loans because he has no cosigner, but he has a good scholarship so there's that. There's just always a bit left over that overwhelms him.
No problem! I wish you two all the best! as for the tutoring, it has saved me from financial problems. The main reason is because I got to schedule my own time, my own rates and got money after each lesson without having to wait for a paycheck.
