1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

I'm freaking out a bit.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by megaloveme, Jan 26, 2014.

  1. megaloveme

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 18, 2014
    Messages:
    35
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Idaho
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Wow, this turned out to be really long. Sorry about that.

    I feel like the biggest asshole ever. Does it always suck to be the person doing the hurting? I've pretty much always been on the receiving end.

    Anyway, I told my husband last night that if he didn't get help with his depression, I'd leave him. It sucked, and I'm afraid. I'm not ready to leave. Sure, I like girls, but it still hurts me to see him in so much pain. I'm afraid to leave, but if I stay, I'll forever feel inadequate and I'll cheat on him because I'm just not getting what I need out of the relationship.

    It's just shitty, because he gets mean and he puts me down, and he makes me feel bad to be who I am, and he's almost always angry. He told me once, when I was still trying to make 'leftover night' work for dinner, he didn't want to "Eat your scraps!" Referring to a pasta dish I had made the day before, refridgerated, heated up, and brought downstairs to him. Then he didn't know why my feelings were hurt by it, and proceeded to be frustrated that I was upset. Almost daily, I manage to do something wrong. And he isn"t the type of person who approaches my 'mistakes' with hesitation or even politely. He yells and he isn't afraid to hit a bit below the belt. If he's playing a video game and I speak at the wrong time, he freaks the hell out.

    That being said, sometimes he's very sweet. He assures me that he needs me, and that he loves me, and he can be very cute about it. Sometimes he makes me happy. To tolerate him, usually, I have to spend almost all my time in another room. He's very nice (for the 5 minutes a day we spend interacting) when he misses me.

    Ah this is maddening! Around him, I can't think right. I know I'm not happy, and I know it shows the typical signs of an abusive relationship. Despite not being attracted to men (I have to focus really hard to pretend I'm with a girl during sex) and all his emotionally abusive tendencies, I love part of his personality. I wish I could explain it. It's so frustrating when I walk into the room planning on discussing something serious, and then he makes my mind go blank.

    I don't know. Sometimes I think even if I straight out told him I wasn't into him because he's a man, he would try to keep me around. He's that desperate for companionship. My gay-ness would force me to leave eventually, but his untreated depression is more urgent. Lesbianism isn't going to cause me to commit suicide, but his mental health issues could overtake him at any given moment. He needs help, and I can't stay if he won't get it.
     
  2. mbanema

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2014
    Messages:
    1,485
    Likes Received:
    30
    Location:
    MA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I think you already know the answer. You only live once -- I don't think it's fair to yourself to spend your life with someone you aren't attracted to, particularly since he doesn't treat you well. It is definitely not healthy to feel that you have to avoid your partner in order to maintain a peaceful relationship.

    That's not to say it's going to be easy, but I don't think there's any way around it if you're a lesbian married to a man. You don't necessarily have to cut him out of your life if you feel that there's something there worth holding on to, but you can't sacrifice living your life to help him feel better about his own. Do your best to make sure he gets help, try and be the best friend to him as possible if that's what you want to do, but you owe it to yourself to put yourself in a situation where it's possible to be happy.

    I realize this is probably not the advice you were hoping to hear, but I think deep down you know that there's some truth to what I'm saying. Good luck figuring this out. =/
     
  3. megaloveme

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 18, 2014
    Messages:
    35
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Idaho
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    This sucks and I hate it. I guess I knew what answers I was going to get. I just needed to vent. I'm so uncomfortable in this situation. He's hardly said a word to me all day, and he just sits and pretends to be happy every time I approach him. I feel like beating my head against a wall, or tearing my hair out. Part of me just hopes he decides that he's not in love with me anymore, and leaves. That way he wouldn't be hurt. I halfway want him to cheat on me so I can scream and yell and leave in a fit of rage, and then we'll both get over it and move on. But this? He puts me down, sure, but not to the massive extent he puts himself down. Everything I say, he magnifies a thousand times in his mind. Then he dwells on it and replays it over and over. I told him that when he makes fun of my taste in movies and music it makes me feel bad about liking the things I like. He comes back with, "I'm sorry you're miserable around me all the time." Then he makes this huge scene about how I'm so miserable and he's an awful person and how I don't love him.

    I just want him to be happy. I want to be happy too, though,but I can't even properly explain where I'm coming from because he takes everything so personally! What is he going to do when I tell him I'm only attracted to women? That's quite a bit more than, "your teasing hurt my feelings."
     
  4. pinklov3ly

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2012
    Messages:
    1,445
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Musty Mitten
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I think it is time for you to leave your husband. He's being emotionally abusive towards you and you do not deserve to be treated like his punching bag anymore. I get that he may suffer from depression, as well as possible anger issues, but there's only so much you can do to help him.

    You need to really think about yourself first because you deserve so much better. Is there anyone you can stay with until he moves out? I know that it may be difficult to think about now, but you will so much better in the long run. Because it doesn't seem like your husband is making any effort to change, so you're going to have to make a change.

    The time apart from him will really help you reflect on who you are. Believe me, you are going to feel like a ton of weight has been lifted off of your shoulders once you're able to explore your feelings for women.

    So, whenever you get a chance you need to sit down with your husband and tell him what's going to happen. Do not let him talk you out of dissolving the marriage unless he agrees to get help. Although, the damage has already been done, however he could very well change with some therapy and or medication, but only time will tell.

    I think the most important question that you need to ask yourself is, do you even want to save this marriage? If not, then you already know what you have to do. For now, hang up in there (*hug*)
     
    #4 pinklov3ly, Jan 27, 2014
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2014