Hey guys, Sorry, I've been gone. I was overseas for a research project and finally back home. Before I had left I had joined a dating website. Things were great. Guys were definitely checking me out (not to be boastful, but it helps with the self-esteem following my coming out). But one guy, in particular, caught my attention. He and I began messaging each other, and I was crushing hard. But I had to go overseas. So I told him I would let him know as soon as I was back in the city. Well I did. It took him a while to get back in touch with me, but we ultimately decided to meet for drinks. We met at 7:30pm and went to a bar I had desperately tried to research beforehand to make sure it was ok for a "date." After one drink we decided to move to another, quieter bar. At this time I was freaking out that I was bombing this date. But we went to another bar and had great conversation. We got to know each other better, and then we decided to go to another bar. Finally he took me dancing. The dancing was great. We were so close. He put his hands on me, and I put mine on him. It felt so right. The best part was when our heads touched, and we left them there. I felt so a peace with him. And I tried my best to be gentlemanly. I paid for the first drinks, he said he would pay for the second, I paid for the third round, and he got the final round. But then at dancing, he got really hot, so I got him a water, and he shared with me. I tried my best to make sure he was having a good time, knowing full well that he could call it quits at any point. At 2:30a, we both got really tired from the club and left. We began walking towards his subway station. I told him I wanted to make sure he made it to the subway safe. He smiled and said he was going to take a taxi and that he would walk me back to my place first. So we walked and talked. He was cold, I offered my scarf, he didn't take it. But we laughed and just had the most comfortable time. I was so shocked at how right this felt. I had been hiding for so long, and this, this was just perfect. So we got to my block, I hailed him a taxi and he hugged me bye. The next morning I texted him saying thank you for the night, and he responded with a thanks and an open invitation to do it again. So that was two days ago. Now I am freaking out for a variety of reasons. I really like this guy. I mean, it's totally not sexual (which to me is so surprising). I like him because he was just a great guy and I got really close to him. He asked me questions about things I rarely talk about with other people, and I was so open with him. But I really like this guy. Which to me is a red flag... -- Am I being blinded by the fact that this was my first "gay" date ever? -- Was this a date? -- Do I really like him, or am I just relishing in my newfound openness? -- Am I jumping the gun? -- What do I do next that won't make me seem like a really desperate human being? I'm not big on dating a lot of people. I would much rather date a few guys and find the one in the few. But this guy, man he was just a great guy, and I am so attracted to him. But I am so scared of being alone and of being really annoying about him. I am scared of making a mistake with this. It took me so long to get to this point, and I certainly don't want to make a fool of myself. But sometimes mistakes can lead to the truth. I am just so nervous about all of this. Sorry about sounding like a tween freaking out about "liking" someone. But I have never felt this way before. And a part of me feels like he obviously liked something in me. If he didn't he wouldn't have gone out, and stayed out so long with me. Thanks guys...
Aww, I'm glad you posted this. I don't know if I'm just having an emo day or something, but I can definitely empathize with how you were feeling despite never having the privilege of being in that kind of situation. I don't think there's much question that this was a date -- you met on a dating website, went to a few different places, and seemed to hit it off really well. I think your affection for this guy is genuine. I'm sure coming out must have been a totally freeing experience, but I don't think that means you're going to automatically be happy with any guy out there. I'm pretty sure that you would have liked him before you came out and if your first date happened to be with someone you're less compatible with you would have realized it pretty quickly. I do think it's possible that you'll fall for this guy fairly easy since it's your first time, but I that doesn't mean it's not real. I'm completely with you on not wanting to date a lot of people and how you could worry about screwing things up. It's easy to be afraid of coming on too strongly or saying the wrong thing, but instead of running a million scenarios through your mind I think the best thing to really do is be yourself. If it's going to work out in the long run, the way you think and feel is going to be something that attracts him to you, not something that will push him away. Don't go declaring your undying love for him until you get to know him better, but trust your feelings. Nothing you've said indicates that your date didn't go very well for both of you so take a deep breath, appreciate what just happened, and take it from there. Good luck!
That's a really cute story! ^.^ Everything seems to have gone well. Of course the first date is always special but it seems as if he's really fond of you and likes you quite a bit. I'm sure all else will go smoothly.
What do I do next that won't make me seem like a really desperate human being? There are no hard and fast rules. Some people are comfortable with a lot of contact early on, and others not so much. The only thing I would say is just don't try to contact him every day. If it's been two or three days now since you last talked to him, I would say it's perfectly fine to start up another conversation. Ask him how he's been or even text him about something random. Just don't overdue it. For the record, I worry about the same things.
Thanks guys for the advice. Confused1234 I am trying so hard not to bombard him everyday! My entire life I have always waited for the perfect time to tell someone I "like" them, and every time I am too late and they have moved on. Of course that was with girls and I was trying reconcile my sexuality, but this time I don't want to wait for fear of him moving to the next guy. For some reason I cannot be comfortable with the knowledge that he might be dating another guy who is way better looking and more interesting than myself. I feel like I'm really fragile with all of this because I just came out, and that was so draining. I don't want to be drained again because I like this guy and he might not like me back. But I don't want to be upfront with him and say, "I like you dude," because that may scare him off. I feel like I'm in middle school all over!
That sounds like a really nice date. You are doing the right thing in not trying to put pressure on him though. I once dated a guy and we had a really nice date and I kind of liked him. Anyway you do well not putting too much pressure on him. Once I dated a guy that i liked but he started to put too much pressure on me too quickly with text and everything and I was busy and not prepared for that at that time so things ended at that point (I can assure you I really wanted a relationship, but not in that terms!) So don’t text too much even though it may be hard (I am usually like that too), keep the conversation light, avoid intimidating topics at the beginning and don’t text too often. If everything goes well he will show interest too. Anyway I wish we could read more of this kind of stories in EC. We need positive energy too.
IMHO from my numerous broken relationships and slowly growing as a person. The absolute most important thing for you to right now is BE YOURSELF. I know there is no getting rid of the obsessing because I have the same problem but the best way to tone it down is to show him your true and whole self. If he likes you for you and all your worries and good things as well then it was meant to be, but if its a person where you constantly have to worry about which words are right and how each word you just spoke will effect the relationship it's bound for failure and pain. All of my relationships that failed miserably started this way for me I met a guy I became infatuated. He would like me in the beginning, but I would always being try to figure out what i could change to make everything for him and I wasn't being myself and it would lead to failure because they would always think I was lying or being fake even though that was my never my intention. It wasn't until I met the man I'm with now that I changed that for myself It started off the way a lot of my other relationships did, but this time I told myself I was going to be myself completely and If he liked me for me it would work great. and if not then it wasn't meant to be anyway. and I took solace in that when I would worry. I have been with that man for four years now and we couldn't be happier. Sorry for the wall of text :icon_redf:icon_redf:icon_redf I just could see you going through a lot of the stuff I did when I first came out and started dating and wanted to share some of my life experiences with you. I hope it helps you some.
So I wanted to post this from a conversation I had which sort of displays my thought process with this whole situation: But I am more concerned about this guy. Jesus, I can't believe I am still talking about him. I texted him an hour ago and no response, and my world is freaking out. It's so fucking convoluted. Well I still feel shitty because I don't feel like I should like this guy as much as I do. What's worse is that I don't know what he feels, and if he even feels the same. So yea, it was a great date, but I don't want it to be the only date I have with him because it was a good date. That's the problem. My expectations of any date after this are so skewed towards the one guy I have been on a date with. It's like saying my first time having sex was so great that all other times will be measured in comparison. It's fool-hearty and unfair to anyone who comes after, even if that is the same guy. But I would love a second date. I would love for him to feel the same way I feel. I would love for it to be like that. But the reality, I feel and suspect, is usually never like that with me. I am used to crushes because they are rarely reciprocated. But this, this is a whole new ballgame, one in which I am daring fate to break my heart. And that sucks because a part of me feels like my heart has to be broken in order for me to grow up. And that sucks too because the other part of me says that this feeling I have after this one date is a good thing. And it's like, dammit, I hate this battle. I just want to tell this guy how much I like him without coming off as some crazed lunatic. I want him to know how much that date meant to me. I want him to know that so far he is the standard by which all other guys I date (if I date other guys) with be measured by. And that to me is very dangerous. That to me is very desperate. That to me is so terrifying because I can't tell him, and even if I could, I wouldn't because it would probably scare him off. *update -- I asked him out for a second date, he is busy, but he said he wants to look at something for next week. So, I mean, it ain't over yet.
Okay bud, deep breath. You sound a little bit like a crazed lunatic. We've all been there though. If things don't work out with this guy, your romantic life isn't over. Far from it, in fact. This is the FIRST guy you've ever dated. The first. You've barely even entered the dating pool, and there are plenty of other fish in the sea. I think you'll calm down a bit when you realize that this is just one guy of many that you will probably date in your life. I don't mean to imply that this won't work out, but that if it doesn't, it isn't the end of the world. You're going to drive yourself crazy if you keep thinking this guy is the end all-be all. Take a breath. Occupy yourself with hobbies, work, school, or whatever. Hang out with other friends. Just try to stop thinking about him for a little while. I think it'll improve your mental state AND improve your chances with him. Because I think he will pick up on your desperation if you continue with this mindset. FYI, I'm sort of dealing with the same thing right now. I've been talking to and dating this guy for about two months now, and I can't stop thinking about him. It's going really well, but it's also driving me crazy. I'm trying to follow my own advice haha.
Excellent post. OP, I am going through exactly what you are going through. The difference is that I've since been on 3 dates and every single one felt great and genuine. Even though it's my first time dating since I've come out (I came out Jan 2013 -- so last year), I made simple rules for myself when looking for a guy I would date. The guy needed: -to be out and comfortable about being with me in public. -to have a vision for himself and possible goals to obtain that vision . -to somewhat reserved as it is my first dating and later on would be my first sexual experience. -to be able to talk about projects he's worked on (in his free time). I ended up being less reserved so I broke my own rule. The fact that he was reserved was a big win in my book. It was almost a test without being a test. The idea is that I create expectations then make compromises. That way, I don't just take anything I can get. The first guy I met was cool but I didn't feel any chemistry between us. He wasn't out of the closet. He didn't seem to have things he did outside of work. So we were very compatible as friends but that was it. Although, he seemed very eager to be more than a date. I was flattered but my heart didn't feel it. The second guy (the one I had 3 dates with) had all I listed above and more. My heart and gut also helped me decide.
Thanks guys. The last post were thoughts from two days ago, so I have definitely pushed them to the side. Confused1234 thanks so much for your posts. Every now and then I need to be reined in from potential lunacy, and having just come out, I am very susceptible to it. I have come to the realization that yes, I went on an awesome date with a guy, but that doesn't mean he is the one. I will have many dates to come, and if it is with him, great, if no, well then so be it. Jamerican, I like that you compromise a bit. I have felt that I set too many expectations when looking and then I run away from someone who actually wants to see me. I should give them a chance, and maybe we have chemistry and maybe we don't. Thanks guys.
I went on a first and second date. I also felt like a tween. mainly because I question if I like her too much? It can be nerve-racking. Have Confidence.
