I love my family very much without a doubt. I have not come out and so far I don't plan to... ever. My family is religious - Christian Baptists. My mom and sister constantly make remarks about hating gay people, but they don't know that I am transgender/gay. For example, the other night my mom and I were watching tv. Some show about Disney, and one of the guys on the show said he "likes Disney because it is so wholesome." My mom immediately looked at me and responded with "Well he obviously hasn't been on gay day." Ouch. It was like getting punched in the gut by a body builder. I didn't say anything. What hurts the most is that my mom and sister suspect that I am gay/trans, at least I'm convinced they do. I mean I am not the girliest girl. I get picked on and have a hard time making friends because I am a bit manly. But I can't help it. I've never had a boyfriend (not interested in them haha). So I mean, flags have been raised, hints have been dropped. Unintentionally of course since I am still in hiding and have no plans to come out. There has to be some suspicion but yet my mom and sister still make hatred remarks. I can't tell you how bad that hurts. I suffer silently in depression for many reasons along with this one. Any advice to ease the pain, other than coming out. It only makes my emotional struggle for self peace that much harder to conquer.
I feel terribly for you. I am sorry your family is like that. I don't know how old you are, but I would encourage you to look forward to how much your life will improve once you are out on your own. Your family is toxic. Is it possible for you to talk to a therapist or something about this? It's not fair that you should have to suffer through those feelings alone. I had a friend who was sort of tom-boyish and a lesbian (in the closet), it seemed to be obvious that she was a lesbian, but her family would still say hateful slurs in front of her like, "dyke". Sometimes I wish I had spoken up to them, but I also felt like that was her place and it might offend her if I took it upon myself. On the one hand you could start speaking up and telling them that you won't tolerate such hateful negative remarks. One the other hand that might force you into a conversation you are not prepared for. I don't know. I just know that when your family is toxic that sometimes putting some distance between you and them is a good thing. It also helped me to accept the limitations of my parents and that they would never really live up to my expectations, I let it go and formed meaningful, loving relationships with healthier people. And just so you know, because you aren't hearing it at home: You are a work of art the way you are. You're family is wrong. I feel sorry for them. Just because they are too limited to see it, don't let that make you think other people are similarly limited. Love yourself first and foremost. The world is teaming with people who will love you for you, don't forget that.
It is a hard lesson to learn but one of the most important in life. The only people who's opinions matter are those who work to build other people up, offer advice, lend a hand, comfort others, and treat people with respect. The people who set out to hurt, be hateful, do harm, and tear others down do not deserve to have their opinions counted. Love yourself for who you are.
Doll, I feel terrible for you! I know what you mean, I have no intentions of coming out to my family either. My family is homophobic as well and it hurts so much and I know that. But you know what? Right now it does seem horrible and there really isn't too much you can do right now, but things can and will get better. As the person above said, you could always go to a therapist like one from your school. They'd know how to help you work through all the pain that comes with a family like that. You also have this amazing site for support and you can always come to my page to vent or ask for any advice on anything It really truly is hard and I know that, I can sympathize with you. What I do when I need to just let it all out is listen to my favorite music and write down all my emotions into just random mumo-jumbo or short stories on your own character that represents you. It may seem silly, but for me I know it works. I have tons of files on my computer about my character which represents me going through my troubles and pushing through and even if it seems corny it does help me feel better. Take a bubble bath or a nice shower and just release the tension. Do little things that you enjoy and just smile and be happy with yourself and who you are and enjoy everything you can. Ignore them, I know its oh so very hard, but just don't take it, don't pay attention and don't let it get to you. And if they suspect something, just don't play up on it if you do not want them to know. Don't stress because it only makes your anxiety worse towards it. Just be happy and try to push away all the negative and enjoy the simple things that make you happy. If you ever need more advice - sorry if mines bad aha - you can just message me doll, I'll listen and help as best I can! Hope you feel much better soon! (*hug*)
Unfortunately the only advice I have to offer is exactly what you didn't want to hear. By all means don't come out unless you've made peace with yourself and feel you're in a safe environment, but please don't throw away years of your life out of fear. It's your parents' job to love you unconditionally; not yours to suppress who you really are because you think it will make them happy. For the record, I don't think your parents hate you. They may not be accepting of your gender or sexual orientation, but if your assumption that they suspect you is true and they hated you I think they would have confronted you about it. It's possible that they're mistakenly saying these awful things in an attempt to persuade you to change something you have no control over, but it's also possible that they don't suspect and will feel differently about someone they've loved forever rather than some random person they have no connection to. All I know is you only live once and you owe it to yourself to do what's necessary to try and find happiness. Only you can say for sure what that path is and there's no need to rush into anything, but please give yourself a chance. I know, much easier said than done. =/
I am so blown away by all the people on this site. I am not used to being accepted and welcomed by anyone, let alone a whole site of people. Haha, thank you for that. I have heard on many occasions (on this site) to escape the people around me and go where I am accepted. That seems so easy, but I don't want to give up my family. What do I do about that? One more thing, how do I become comfortable with myself? How could I ever even think about trying to have someone else become comfortable with me being gay, if I am not comfortable myself? To me that just seems selfish. Ugh, Im so confused and I just don't understand why this has to be so hard. Why do people need to have such a problem with people being gay? :help:
Nothing you want is selfish. It's not selfish for you to want people to accept you. Part of the reason you may not be comfortable with yourself is because your family has drilled it in your head that you shouldn't be, and even though we all know there is nothing wrong at all with being gay, it can be so far in the back of your mind that it still haunts you. Really you've been indoctrinated. That's something a therapist can help you with. As for your family, you can't control how they act or react. Maybe reading some things on PFLAG would help you feel better. Maybe talking to some of the parents on there could help you too, I am sure they have a forum as well. I know you want your family to be the ones who love you, and I am sure they do, but if they can't get over this then I wouldn't waste another second of your life expecting them to change. There was a great episode of Iyanla Fix my Life about a trans person and his pastor father. I'm linking you to a part of the video: Jeremyah and His Father Meet Face-to-Face - Video - @OWNTV #FixMyLife It's a great episode because they never do see eye to eye and Iyanla talks about how to deal when your family won't meet you half way.
When I was little I heard so many negative things directed at me that my inner voice became negative. It was my own worst critic and very vile in it's criticism. I was determined as a parent that my own child would have the opposite. She has been surrounded with positives since before she was born. Here are some new words to fill your head with: You are perfect just the way you are. You CAN do anything you set your mind to it if you only believe in yourself and try your hardest. DREAM! Imagine. Laugh. You are beautiful. You are the only you that has ever been or will ever be. You are loved. You are worthy. You deserve happiness. Live your life in the way that makes you happy. Your dreams belong to you, hold on to them! Good luck and a beautiful life to you!
Don't. There's probably a good chance that they'll react better than you anticipate, and even if they aren't as accepting as they should be that doesn't necessarily mean they can't be a part of your life. In the worst-case scenario where your family is so stupid as to want to cut off ties with you, you'll be better off. You need to surround yourself with people who love you no matter what. To me this is the most important step in this process and for a lot of people the most difficult. I suggest holding off on coming out until you've truly genuinely accepted it for yourself. There's no need to rush this kind of thing; just don't let it prevent you from pursuing happiness. There are obviously exceptions to this, but I think for most people who find out it's not going to be a big deal. I agree though; it really sucks that this is something that even needs consideration.
Thank you for all the advice and amazingly kind worlds. I'm starting to realize that I'm not worthless. I have you guys to thank for that. Whether Im trying to or not I am becoming more comfortable with myself. My sister always tells me that putting my hands in my pockets is something that only guys do. Personally I think it is comfortable. I usually don't do it though because I'm afraid someone will make fun of me for being so manly. But yesterday I didn't care, I stood there with my hands in my pockets and was comfortable. This may seems so small and lame to you guys but it is a step for me lol even if it is a really really small step. haha. I need to stop caring so much and this is a start. So far I love this site and hope that by staying I will eventually be happy someday. Thank you.
"...My sister always tells me that putting my hands in my pockets is something that only guys do. ..." Funny I do it all the time because my hands are perpetually cold and I have a lot of pain issues with them when they get really cold. LOL Guess I am just a guy then? You keep on doing things that make you comfortable and happy. Remember it is YOUR life and you need to live it the way that is best for you.
