Leaving my genderqueer partner for a woman?

Hi all,

I put this is the welcome part but then realized it's more fitting here--sorry!

I am out to a few of my closest friends and my sister. But not my parents. And interestingly, I'm the vice-president of my grad school's queer student organization--so obviously I'm very out in school. But the thing is, I'm in school far far away from all my previous friends and family...so it's sort of like two worlds I live in.

Then there's a third world: my partner is genderqueer (MAB but identifies as neither male nor female nor trans) and very very in the closet. Let's call my partner Pat. Pat still looks like a guy, and doesn't do anything to disabuse their parents, friends, etc of the notion that they're a guy. But they don't identify as a guy, and we don't do heteronormative things (outside of bedroom nor ).

But it's still feeling very off... even after 3 years of dating, being best friends, and so so very close emotionally... the more out of the closet I get, the more likely I am to feel like I should
a) be with a woman, because I am so, so attracted to women (so even while my partner is personality-femine in the gender-queer spectrum, they don't have a woman's body obviously)... And, since I'm finally becoming willing to admit it publically...it would be wonderful to actually act on my feelings and date women!
b) be with someone who is out of the closet
c) and yet I still want to be with Pat because they've been next to me through all the ups and downs of coming out and haven't ever made me feel bad about it...and they're great for 1000 other reasons... so why do I feel so strongly about a) and b)???

Let me know what you think... any and all advice is welcome! Thanks!!
Tanya

 

First of all--thanks for asking, katwat! :icon_bigg

I shouldn't just use acronymns like that--sorry!! MAB is just Male Assigned at Birth, so my partner is considered to have male parts but doesn't identify with them or with the male gender (and FAB would be Female Assigned at Birth). Sorry those are sort of new acronymns in the Trans and Queer communities anyways so thanks for asking for anyone else who was wondering!

---------- Post added 30th Jan 2014 at 11:02 PM ----------

Thank you ElliaOtaku for your questions!

a)I feel I should be dating a woman
Pat doesn't identify as female, correct? I'm assuming from this that even if they weren't in the closet they would still have a male body forever. Meaning that they are neither physically or mentally female. However, they are more feminine than masculine, so I wonder, is it just the female body you want or is there something more?
Correct... Pat identifies as non-binary... and although Pat doesn't like their body parts that are male, due to some complications with medical histories it seems that Pat has no intention of acting on making their body through surgery closer to how they identify (which again--who knows what that would look like for androgonous, but even if there was a vision Pat had, I don't think they plan to act on it. This relates to being not out of the closet too though... And yes--to answer your question about what I want...unfortunately I think I want a female body. And I want to be with someone who isn't treated by others/considered by society to have male priveledge. I can't explain why, but the female experience in addition to the female body is important for what I am potentially hoping to experience with someone I consider my ultimate soul-mate. Does any of that make any sense?


b) be with someone who is out of the closet
Here I wonder what difference it makes. My initial thought is to question what exactly would be different if they were out?
There wouldn't be a huge difference in how the two of us interact, but this goes back to my first point in this reply here, where I started to ramble a bit... I feel like someone who identifies as not male, such as Pat, has a valuable experience. But what I'm attracted to is also the idea of actually being with someone who doesn't just feel un-male, but who actually embraces and is emboldened by their feminine self. Strong female, you know what I mean? So if Pat were out and worse dresses more often, or just androgenous clothing that was more efeminite, there would be that self-love, that strong female (or at least not male) empowerment that I find sexy about the ladies I would be attracted to date if I were single

c1)We've been through a lot
That doesn't necessarily mean it's a good idea to stay together. That is to say if that's the ONLY reason you were doing it then it seems...well pointless if I had to pick a word. I know you said their are lots of other reasons, I'm just saying don't make THIS to be one of the MAIN reasons.
valid point--thanks for pointing this out!


c2)Feeling strongly about A and B
If I had to guess right now I'd say because they don't fit what you think you want, but honestly without the answers to the questions I asked I couldn't do any more than randomly guess at this point.
You're totally right--I feel guilty about what I want. I like to think that people's bodies are a bit irrelevant and that I date a person for who they are and their feminist ideas (and Pat is a very loud, raging feminist, I have to say). But when I find myself looking for something that is external, like female representation--even in a non-typical way (I think more butch women are totally hot)--I feel superficial. And that doesn't jive with the type of person I want to be.

Thanks so much for your help! (!) Very helpful and illuminating follow-up questions!!:eusa_clap

 

A few edits to what I said--but my 15 minute window closed so I guess I'll just edit here (my edits in bold)

And yes--to answer your question about what I want...unfortunately I think I want a female body, or at least a female presentation. The actual anatomy isn't super important, but the expression of feminity in subtle and sincere ways is important to me, (annoyingly--I wish it wasn't because Pat's amazing). And I want to be with someone who isn't treated by others/considered by society to have male priveledge. Pat doesn't reject the priveledge or the assumptions that they're male when it's in their best interest (e.g. getting a job at a male-centric company)...and that's bothersome to me. I can't explain why, but the female experience (knowing what it's like to have someone else treat you like you're a woman) in addition to hinting at the female essence is important for what I am potentially hoping to experience with someone I consider my ultimate soul-mate. Does any of that make any sense? [/B]

 

Hi stocking! :smilewave Thank you for understanding! It feels dirty or cruel to wish Pat had a different body and/or presentation. But I'm glad you helped your ex with pre-transition stuff! I think if I saw any possibility of Pat transitioning even in the future I would be more patient. But we've been together 3 years, and they've worn a dress 2 times--once out but with complete strangers + 1 of my friends who they barely know (because I'm far away at grad school). But aside from that, they just dress male all the time and say they want to focus on other parts of their life and put off thinking about their gender identity. Which I get...but as a recently out (or at least, coming out piecemeal) lesbian I just feel emboldened and it's hard to feel anchored down into the heteronormative world still (per their parents/my parents/everyone else since Pat isn't out...we just look straight) ya know?

Do you mind if I aks--did you and your ex break up for reasons relating to the gender stuff or was it because the long-distance or something totally different?