I posted on the coming out board about this, but the back story in case you didn't see it: I recently came out to someone who I have strong romantic feelings for, we're long distance, though, so he doesn't see me daily and therefore doesn't know how my gender expression changes. So we had a bit of a rough spot when I came out, and he seemed to be really comfortable and also curious, but then he got kinda weird and said some things that really hurt my feelings. Anyway, so we didn't talk for a while and Tuesday night we started a conversation about everything. I've tried explaining it to him in the simplest way I know how--by telling him I am biologically female, I have those parts, but I won't always look female physically because in my head and my heart I don't always feel feminine. He said he just wants me to be a girl. I don't know how to get him to understand that I'm still the same person, my personality is the same, my face is the same, my biological parts are the same, but I just don't always feel female or feminine. Last night, he said, "well if I dressed up in a skirt and high heels, you probably wouldn't find me very attractive." And I, again, explained to him that I like him for who he is, his personality, his humor, etc, and not because of how he expresses himself, and that I'd be okay if he chose to cross dress or if he even came out as being something other than a heterosexual male. I can't get him to understand I am the same person I always have been, only I feel like a boy sometimes and want to dress like a boy. It seems that in his mind, me dressing masculine means my feelings will change for him; like a switch, when I'm feeling female and feminine I'll like him, but when I'm feeling more masculine I won't like him. And I don't know how to get him to understand that my feelings don't change for him based on how I'm presenting. But it is getting easier the more we talk about it... he's becoming very accepting. I just needed to get all this out. Thanks for listening. Any words of support or advice are absolutely welcome...
I have never personaly gone through something like this so I'm not sure if my ideas will help. I think that if it keeps getting easier and easier for him to accept you how you are the more the two of you talk about it, you should just keep talking about it! Maybe have him do some research and then come to you with some questions. Sorry for the short and unhelpful reply, I'm on my tablet...
You should never feel guilty for the parts of you that consolidate to make you. Allow him to get used to this part of you- it can be a bit unusual for first-time 'participants' as it were. Whilst this is something that you do it is also going to harness elements of his time with you. Show him that you do not change, merely your presented aesthetic. If he values you at all- it'll be absolutely fine!
