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Really disappointed in my boyfriend

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Jared, Feb 2, 2014.

  1. Jared

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    So my boyfriend and I have been together for about a year now and I love him, but I'm not sure he's a good long term partner. In the past two months, he's been fired twice. First job he had for about 5 months and was fired for performance reasons. Second job he only had for a little over two weeks, and was apparently late everyday except one. So to say I'm disappointed is a bit of an understatement. He's just severely lacking in motivation and drive, he barely graduated college, and I'm someone who really values ambition and reliability, two things he's not showing. I've tried helping him job hunt before and he never seems that interested in doing it. I feel horrible for thinking about breaking up with him, but this is ridiculous.

    This isn't the only issue either, we only have sex two or three times a month. I've tried talking to him about it and trying to find a middle ground, but he just shuts me down and says, "Well you know I have a really low sex drive." I respect that and realize I won't get laid as often as I'd like, but only a few times a month is too little for me and he knows it.

    I think part of the reason he's having these issues might be some underlying mental health issue, he's been told he has ADD and mild depression, but does nothing about it. I've tried getting him to go to therapists and pschyatrists and he'll go once or twice and stop. And he won't take his mess on a regular basis. It's driving me crazy, I don't want to see him wreck his life, but there's only so much I can do. I've told him that if he wants to waste his life away and not take care of himself, he'll have to do it without me. I love him to death, but I can't take much more of watching him make horrible decisions.

    I don't really know what to do at this point, he's a really sweet guy and I love him, but he's making it really hard for me to want to stay with him.
     
  2. greatwhale

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    For anything long-term, that "lovin' feelin'" is just not enough. You've had to learn what he's about, and I know it's hard to see someone you love suffer, but he will definitely suck you into his vortex of chaos and your love will not be there for much longer.

    I know it's hard to contemplate being single again, it's what makes cowards of us all, but you have to seriously consider getting out of this situation, it's about values, and you simply don't share these with him.

    Long-term relationships need mutual respect, caring and responsibility, it's the foundation, the core of anything worthwhile between you.
     
  3. have you tried talking and saying that what he is doing is affecting your relationship? not just talking to him about his lack of motivation or w.e,

    you cant make his problems your problems. as hard as that sounds.
    i know what you mean it being frustrating cuz you cant live his life for him and do what you would want him to do, you have to sit and just let him get on with it.

    are you ever intimate any other than two/three times a month? like not sex but just intimate sexually without sex, trying not to be graphic here lol. if not, sounds like his depression is getting in the way of a lot of things. you can have a low sex drive and just want to be naked with someone holding them close or w/e, thats still being intimate in a way.

    has he tried getting a pill box that has the days of the week in so you can see if youve taken your meds for that day and putting reminds on his phone to take his meds? if anything that should be his main focus! then everything else should improve.

    i cant really say much else but it sounds like he doesnt want help right now and you cant help someone who doesnt want it.

    sorry if i come off as harsh.. hope it all works out though,
     
  4. 4AllEternity

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    For a long-term relationship to work and be all it can be for both of you, there must be respect. Just wanting to be with him is not enough, he has to have your respect. Otherwise the love in the relationship is just going to gradually fizzle.

    I wouldn't say to immediately dump someone you're losing respect for, but if he's completely unwilling to work to resolve his issues, you should probably accept that he's not ready for a relationship.

    In any serious relationship I'd always be hesitant to just throw things to the wind and waste all of the love you've built up, but at the same time I doubt an ultimatum will help at all, and may just accelerate the inevitable. The fact is, he sounds like he needs a lot of help before he's boyfriend material.

    Now, more specifically towards his issues, I would definitely agree that he sounds depressed. His behavior is pretty much classic Major Depressive Disorder, from the low sex drive to lack of energy to low motivation. He probably needs a combination of the right meds and therapy. It's hard convincing depressed people to attend therapy, as they usually don't have a lot of optimism towards it working, being depressed and all. So I would start with getting him to try some antidepressant medication. First of all, it's important that he know that almost all mainstream antidepressants will not work instantly. They almost always take between 2-4 weeks to work, as it's not their acute chemical action that clears up depression, but the physical changes in the brain they cause gradually. Secondly, it's very important that he not immediately give up trying if the first med doesn't work after a month. It can be very difficult getting the right med, as depression is a diverse psychiatric illness. Here is a good list summarized by ABCNews from a meta-study (study of studies) of the 12 most effective main antidepressants. Based on a combination of greatest efficacy while having less side-effects, Escitalopram (brand: Lexapro) is probably best. It turns out the most commonly prescribed antidepressant, Prozac is rated as far less effective than others, coming in 9th place out of 12.
     
  5. resu

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    You can't be his lover and his caretaker/parent. Do you live with him? If so, it may be best if you move out so you aren't constantly reminded of his problems, which will pull you down. You need some distance so that he can learn how to stand on his two feet. This doesn't have to mean breaking up; though, obviously that will be the clearest sign to him that you can't continue in this damaged relationship.
     
  6. Jared

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    Yeah I know I need to think about being single again, this relationship is going downhill rather quickly at the moment. Being single again scares me, but I think I might need to do it.

    I've tried talking to him, but I'm going to try again and be pretty clear about what is going wrong in our relationship. We get sorta intimate, we cuddle a lot, but always with clothes or underwear on, he doesn't seem to want to get naked, or even make out with me anymore. I've suggested the pill box and the like, but he doesn't get one and I can't make sure he's doing it, I don't see him everyday.

    I've been trying to get him to take Lexapro for ages, I've been taking it for a long time and it worked wonders for me. I'm seriously considering breaking up with him, he just seems to have no desire to get his act together. But like you said, it's hard to throw a year's worth of love away.

    I don't live with him, we live about 20 minutes away from each other.
     
  7. resu

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    You aren't throwing a year's worth of love away. Cherish the positive memories, and just be cognizant of the negative ones. So far, it doesn't look like your boyfriend has any incentive to change, and his relationship with you may be a crutch that keeps him even more complacent with mediocrity.