Straight best friend and secret crush engaged

Hi guys this is my first post. Maybe someone could offer comments but I kind of just have to vent.

So I'm in year 4/5 years of university living away from and I'm still quite unsure of my sexuality. I'm probably bisexual or mostly gay by the most common definitions, I'm physically/emotionally attracted to guys and emotionally/intellectually attracted to girls. (probably the most simplified way of putting it) I've never had a real relationship although I have briefly dated some girls. Only a few very close friends, a counselor and my friend who is a pastor know about my uncertainty surrounding sexuality/attraction to guys, but even they don't know a lot of the things I've been going through just because I find it so hard to communicate my feelings and such when I don't feel they've had similar experiences.

So a couple years ago I took a really bad dive into depression, I have bipolar depression and OCD and have since been put on medication which has helped tremendously but at the time I was failing school, paranoid, delusional and suicidal. My friend and housemate, I'll call him John, spent quite a lot of time and emotional energy trying to help me through the difficult time. This guy is extremely religious but also the most mature, loving kind, helpful and selfless person I have ever met. It was our first year rooming together with 7 guys in a house near my university; some of the other guys really helped me out too.

So after that year me and John became really good friends. I had never had a best friend before and things were just great. Over the past two years as I began to try and figure out/define my sexuality I became quite stressed since my family is quite conservative and religious even though I have many friends who are religious and quite liberal regarding sexuality.

This past year I realized I had a major crush on John, even though he had a girlfriend he was becoming quite serious with. I was really happy for John to have this relationship but it began tearing me apart thinking that this guy I loved so much physically, emotionally, intellectually, I'd never get to be with. I know it's not healthy but I thought about us together so much, fantasized.

So the reason I'm kind of upset at the moment is that a couple of days ago John proposed to his girl. I knew they were serious but it came as a big surprise to me since They were only dating like just over a year and I thought they'd take longer before tying the knot.

So I basically feel so many mixed feelings. I'm so happy for the both of them but at the same time I feel heartbroken. I feel like I'm going to lose my best friend, I know we could never be together but its just getting my mind around this new situation. I see John and his gf together and I'm so happy, they are such a perfect cute couple but when she kisses him in front of me I feel this deep anger/jealousy/sadness. I feel like I am in the wrong but these feelings just come out so strongly. Add to all of this that in my mind, John basically saved my life when he talked me out of suicide a few years ago.

Anyways thanks for reading if you made it down here, has anyone else had a similar experience? What do you do when an old crush becomes romantically involved with someone else, be it moving in together, getting engaged, adopting/having kids, etc?

 

Thanks for the thoughts. I guess the difference is my friend is oblivious to the fact that I have a crush on him. We aren't in the same city any more so too much time together shouldn't be a huge issue, but our friend circles overlap quite a bit, he really trusts me and although I wouldn't be best man I'm anticipating him asking me to be in the wedding party. This could be very difficult, I guess now I'm thinking ahead too far. I don't know if I could say "no I don't want to be in your wedding" because we are friends but might be a difficult thing for me to be part of. Aahhh! if only I was straight or he was gay. Would have a happier ending.