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Trouble connecting with people

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by salus, Feb 3, 2014.

  1. salus

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2014
    Messages:
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    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Wanted to share something that's been bothering me.

    I think my problem is not very different from what some closeted folks feel at least some of the time. While as people we are obviously multifaceted and not defined solely by our sexuality, being gay (since I'm talking about myself) greatly impedes the ability to relate and contribute to relationships with straight people. Since that's everyone I know (maybe with some people like me thrown in here and there, but I haven't noticed them) that makes it particularly difficult to make friends who aren't simply acquaintances.

    I still don't know whether anyone thinks I might be gay, but I have never dated or shown any interest in women. To everyone I was and currently am the nerd to whom this is all foreign. For that reason I fail to discuss anything relationship-related even with my few closer friends. Not to mention that when meeting new people I can come off as a decently talkative guy for about the duration of a short first conversation when there's no time for anything more, but give it a few more days and I think they start to feel that I'm majorly awkward. I can't fake being 'the straight guy' at all (since my height and overall physique don't make for a macho guy) and seem to have left my confidence somewhere far, far away. :lol:

    Really I think this instinctive urge to not show any sign of my being gay has left me almost socially paralyzed that I don't have most of the experiences which people my age share, even such simple ones as going to at least several parties. I realize I'm introverted and that's fine, but I sometimes think if I had the chance to come out at school to even one person I actually might have been more sociable and not so indoorsy and lame. (I know, I can't blame the closet for overall social ineptness, but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a part of it.) I've become used to my relative solitude, but I still miss that full connection with at least one person to whom I could say anything that comes to my mind. My oldest friend with whom I talk regularly is quite indifferent to gay people, but me being quite short on friends I still don't dare tell him anything.

    And I realize that it's partly my fault, since not everyone around me is a bigot. Some do speak out in favor of gays. I salute them in my mind, and yet don't have the courage to add anything vocally, or initiate a closer friendship. This vicious circle of defensiveness and atrophy of social skills just keeps on piling as the years go by.

    I've become reasonably comfortable in my current position, since I manage fine with people on a day to day basis at university, but once I come home this lack of something real takes its toll; I seem to live day-in and day-out in this greyish way of life I made and can't hate it enough to try and change it, but nonetheless keep wanting something more.

    Anyway, I feel I'm starting to drift off to abstractions so I'll take the chance to end it here. :rolle:
     
  2. UK_guy

    Full Member

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    Location:
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    Hey there I can understand on some of your points of being in the closet and not feeling like you have anyone to talk too as I'm a couple of years older than you, EC is a good place to chat and meet like minded people. If you ever want to talk just post on my wall :slight_smile:
     
  3. PM92

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Brighton, East Sussex
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone

    I've played the straight guy so I know where you are coming from. Its a really hard part of your existence to get over, especially when you are in the closet but one thing I've noticed only from other people saying this to me after they came out or even from my own experiences... That there is always some catalyst for coming out, something that says "this is what I want for myself, I don't want to be a fraud or awkward anymore"... Once that comes you will understand fully your own reasons for staying in the closet... Mine was conservative Catholic community... (who didn't really care when I eventually came out)