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How do you date while still in the closet?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by TheSupreme, Feb 6, 2014.

  1. TheSupreme

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    Is it possible? Especially in high school? I'm from a very conservative and rural area so for one, there aren't that many guys out and the ones who are are either in there 20s/50s OR are so flamboyant you wouldn't know they were a guy until they pulled there pants down. Now, lord knows I'm not the most masculine guy and certainly fall under some of the gay stereotypes but that's just not my thing when it comes to boyfriend material... So is there a way to date / even find guys while still in the closet and in high school? I wouldn't even begin to know how to find a guy honestly.. Has anyone else ever been here? Do you have any advice?
     
  2. casper

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    I hope someone answers this because I have the exact same problem ! I like boys for sure but I can't imagine me dating a boy that acts like a girly girl all the time. No offence to anyone just my preference :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: but at this age a lot of people are still in the closet so it is sooo hard to find someone !
     
  3. resu

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    I'm in the closet, but from what I've seen written here, it's really hard to date and remain in the closet long-term. That doesn't mean you have to be out to everyone, but always being nervous about others seeing you with your partner can take a toll on the relationship, as if it's not real.
     
  4. Jencat

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    It's definitely possible, but it's hard. (I'm still working on being 100% out).

    I actually met my first (and only) ex [girlfriend] on Tumblr. We started talking and hit it off hardcore and both spiraled into the depths of having feelings for each other. It was pretty storybook, actually, haha.

    The more of my friends that I came out to, the more connections I ended up making. One of them ended up coming out to me, and introduced me to her queer friend. Some of my other friends sort of made references. A lot of the queer couples that I know of met by mutual friends.

    Resu has a really great point, though. Definitely take coming out into consideration. For example, I'm living more and more Out, and the group of people who know I'm gay is getting bigger and bigger. So, when my friends see me with my friend who is also a girl (and queer, but in the closet), and we're standing super close and looking really comfy with each other, etc., they end up assuming some things. Not that that's necessarily bad, but everyone's situation is going to be different.
     
  5. Praetor

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    It's possible to date while in the closet, but difficult. I've dated when I was only out to very few people, but even then I had someone to talk to.

    Quite honestly, dating in the closet is really hard for 3 main reasons:
    - Finding someone who likes you back: one of you will have to open up to the other, and so some trust is involved. Being in the closet, this means that you WILL have to out yourself eventually to the one you are interested in.
    - Maintaining that relationship: being in the closet and dating really takes its toll both on you personally and on the relationship. An entire side of you is secret, and this is only heightened by involving another person. While you may not necessarily have to lie (although it is likely you will at some point), your relationship will force you to be inherently duplicitous. When I first dated, I was never able to be physically close with my boyfriend in any public space. He was always uncomfortable, and me likewise. This invisible barrier will only work so long as both of you are willing to continue the charade and stay in the closet - and that leads to the next point...
    - Holding you back: Ultimately, being in the closet holds you back from living your real life. If you live in a place which is highly homophobic, I can understand why you may do this. For myself, I live in a fairly liberal area and realized I can be out. I was no longer able to stay in the closet - I wanted more. I believed my parents, friends, etc. would at least tolerate it.

    tl;dr: dating in the closet can work, but you may pay an emotional price for doing so in the long-term. Even being out to one friend makes a huge difference.