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How to respond to wife's handling of behaviors

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by GayDadStr8Marig, Feb 7, 2014.

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  1. GayDadStr8Marig

    GayDadStr8Marig
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    I'm a closeted gay dad, married with two kids. My son exhibits a few behaviors that make my wife uncomfortable because she's worried that if kids at school find out he'll be teased or shunned.

    I don't have any problem with this behavior.

    Examples:
    • making lots of rainbow loom rubber band bracelets
    • braiding hair on his sister's dolls
    • "producing/directing" shows for holidays and events.... picks music soundtrack, choreographs a dance/tumbling routine for the two of them to perform, sometimes a short script to go along.

    Especially the hair braiding is a hot button for her lately. One day he mentioned he tried braiding a piece of his hair at before-school care but couldn't get it since it's too short and didn't have a mirror. She made of point of saying "you know, boys don't braid their hair" and another time said "you know you're a boy, right".

    Whenever I hear this I feel bile rising up my throat like I'm going to pu:***:. It makes me wonder if I should just jump out of my closet and say "surprise!" and head her off at the pass to back him up. He doesn't seem bothered by the "guidance" and I certainly don't want to do anything rash or to get into a discussion about what kind of guidance we can agree on for this stuff in front of the kids.

    Should I just leave it alone?
     
    #1 GayDadStr8Marig, Feb 7, 2014
  2. neari

    neari
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    Forget as a gay.

    But as a father do you want your son to have such statements pushed on him. I think that is more of a conversation you should push on your wife.

    Sexuality has nothing to do with it.

    Good luck :slight_smile:
     
    #2 neari, Feb 8, 2014
  3. skiff

    skiff Guest

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    Hi,

    I am a masculine gay, I have no traits that society uses to label or tag gays, or gave my parents a need to "guide" me when young.

    What is that "guidance" but simply "prophylactic reparative therapy". You should watch some videos on people who suffered that.

    She is not guiding him, she is stepping on who he is and grinding it out with the tip of her shoe. It is one thing to teach a child morality, safety, courtesy, etc but totally another thing to grind away his identity.

    And the things he is doing may be totally age/developmentally appropriate.

    What would she say if you told her that you were enrolling him in boxing to BEAT these behaviours out of him? You should get your wife into therapy. You may want to suggest her intolerance of self expression of your child is unhealthy for your son..

    Having two sons myself your story pisses me off.

    Your wife needs help. As a parent you need to defend your child. This has nothing to do with gay or straight.

    Tom
     
    #3 skiff, Feb 8, 2014
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2014
  4. GayDadStr8Marig

    GayDadStr8Marig
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    Thanks, Tom and neari, you're both right of course. Just needed to hear an independent persons voice. I question everything going on in my head when it comes to my family. I just have to remember to make this conversation abiut him, not me. if it cracks open the door so be it but I have to go into this conversation focused on him.
     
    #4 GayDadStr8Marig, Feb 8, 2014
  5. Choirboy

    Choirboy
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    Your son sounds like a dead ringer for me at the same age!

    You can NOT leave this alone. He needs to be able to express himself and be comfortable about it in any way he can be. I do give my father credit for biting his tongue when I played Barbies with my sisters or did little plays (although the look on his face said as much as the words would have). If this is any kind of a sign for the future, she is going to have to learn some degree of acceptance anyhow, so she had better start now.

    Be aware that there is the risk that everything will spill out. Emotion begets emotion. When I came out to my wife, it was in the middle of a very nasty fight about how she had treated one of our daughters, in a public place, no less. Things got as vicious as could be and suddenly I basically heard myself telling her I was gay. I had been planning on coming out at some point but kept chickening out, and the parental defenses kicking in must have removed the fear and the words came cascading out. Although realistically, would that be the worst thing?
     
    #5 Choirboy, Feb 8, 2014
  6. GayDadStr8Marig

    GayDadStr8Marig
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    to be honest, no it would not be the worst thing. continuing the honesty theme, I have to admit in some ways I've wondered about him a while now, and secretly bargained with myself that if he came to me with that discussion I would cone out to him then and there and we would travel the path together. not realistic approach, but the mind does crazy ideas when its locked up. It's been a little while since these types of comments came up, not sure if I should break the logjam now, wait for another incident, or? either way, I can't feel any worse about this than I do right now, breaks mu heart to have this going on, feel like I'm to blame somehow, should have spike up sooner. hope kids really are resilient like they say.

    I used to get into all kinds of stuff when I was younger like this. the only time my dad ever said anything to mom that I knew of was one day I had pulled out her hair setting set (one of those tabletop hair dryers with a set if curlers), had the cap over my head and had put one of moms velour zip robes on and was sitting in the middle of their bed reading a book or playing. just innocent fun for a little kid.
     
    #6 GayDadStr8Marig, Feb 8, 2014
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