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Best friend and her new boyfriend.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by KrisBrooks, Feb 8, 2014.

  1. KrisBrooks

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    When it comes to my closest friends there are four of us. I'll call them Sara, Danielle, Heather, and then me (yeah, their token gay guy! lol).

    Sara, Danielle and I all went to elementary and middle school together. Back when I thought I was straight, Sara and I dated for a few months--but it was a cheesy middle school relationship, nothing serious and we only kissed once. Now we're really good friends, and we're closer still ever since I came out as gay last year (Junior year in high school). Danielle and I were best friends since 3rd grade. About 4 years before Danielle and Sara started getting really close. Now, their probably closer to each other than we are. Heather didn't become out friend until 10th grade, but we're all so close it's like we've known her forever.

    Okay, now that you have a bit of background. Let's sort of delve into the root of my problems. Sara and Danielle play volleyball together, so they're around each other a bit more than they are around Heather and me. Back in October--Sara got a new boyfriend, let's call him Connor. I thought he was nice enough at the time and gave Sara a sort of blessing when she asked me for advice.

    SN: I don't know what it is but they seem to always look to me when it comes to advice or big decisions.

    Soon after, Connor started popping up everywhere. It would be just us four hanging out and he would show up. No one knew he was going to be there. It's obvious Sara was telling him to come. Heather and I were a little put off by this because we felt it sort of rude for someone to just show up without telling anyone. Especially someone we had just met. But we decided not to say anything because they had just started dating and it was obvious that they were happy with each other. We liked that for Sara--it was her first real relationship.

    Heather and I are in a program together in out school that has us spending countless hours together doing projects and all sorts of things. So, naturally we've gotten quite close over the course of the year. We both noticed that Connor--when he showed up was always really quiet. He didn't talk to anyone but Sara.

    On occasion when we hung out with Danielle and Sara was not there we mentioned this, but she said that she didn't see any problems and that we were overreacting.

    Over the past 4 months, Sara has started hanging out with us less and less and she barely even communicates with us outside of school. Heather and I don't want to seem selfish but we miss our friend. We said the same thing to Danielle, who got mad at us: saying that we were being too harsh on Connor and that she is--in so many words--unconditionally on Sara's side no matter what.

    This really upset me because we're all friends. Danielle and I have been friends a lot longer than she has been with Sara and the fact that she said she would always take Sara's side over us even if she was wrong makes me think that how can we all be true friends if you allow one to take precedence over the other two?

    The fact that Heather and I have to spend so much time together and have gotten so close has given us many chances to discuss it and we've sort of become resentful towards Sara and Danielle. Sara is to busy with her boyfriend to notice anyway.

    Technically, we're all still friends but I've noticed that Heather and I have started planning a lot of outings and times to hang out without the other two. We don't even think to invite them anymore. We go to dinner, to the gym, etc. and it's just us too. It's not really that we want to leave them out. But if we invite Danielle, she'll tell Sara and they'll both come and we know that Connor will show up. His presence always changes the dynamic of the group.

    And we don't want to monopolize all of Sara's time. We want to be able to invite her to hang out with us and her be able to tell us "No, I'm hanging out with Connor." She doesn't have to bring him everywhere!

    I know I left some details out, so if you're confused just ask me... but do you think Heather and I are being wrong? What do you think of the situation overall?
     
  2. femmeinpink

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    This sounds really similar to a situation I'm dealing with at the moment! My sister just became involved with her first boyfriend and at first I was happy for her. But we've been close since we were little and now we're not anymore because all her free time is spent with him.

    I think it's hard for some people to balance a romantic relationship with existing friend relationships. For whatever reason, they become very attached to their boyfriend/girlfriend and stop doing things with their friends as much, or bring their significant other into the picture without being asked. I do think it's rude that Sara didn't ask if she could bring Connor along, and it's also a little weird that Connor only talks to Sara when he does show up. I know some people are shy (myself included!) but it's hard for someone's friends to develop a relationship with their BF/GF when they don't make an effort to communicate with them. Have you or Heather tried talking to Connor to get him to open up to you more and maybe improve the dynamics of your group? I think it's great that you have Heather to confide in about all this, and that you're not demanding of all of Sara's time. I think maybe you should try to explain all of this to Sara, and emphasize how much you miss hanging out as friends (without Connor always being there) and how you'd like to do things together once in awhile.

    I know it can be really frustrating when you feel like you're losing a friendship, but I think you can make this work out, if Sara is cooperative and realizes that you miss spending time with just her, Heather and Danielle! Best of luck (*hug*)
     
  3. KrisBrooks

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    Thanks for posting! I'd like to say that things have gotten better but they have, perhaps gone downhill a little.

    Tuesday afternoon, Sara was a little curt with Heather. I didn't think anything of it, but apparently it bother her to the point where she wanted to say something to Sara this morning when were all hanging out before class. Sara sort of brushed it off saying that she didn't believe that she had been rude.

    They--Sara and Danielle had made a rude comment about the shoes I happened to be wearing so Heather and I pretty much got up and left without saying a word.

    My free period is 2nd period, I have it with Sara and Danielle. Danielle got to the room first so I asked her if we were having issues. She said no but she was tired of everyone talking about each other--Heather tends to do this--and that she was over the drama.

    It is our senior year, but the drama seems to be worse than it's ever been! Anyway, Danielle proceeded to tell me that she had told Sara some of the things that Heather said about Connor. They weren't exactly nice things, but all I could think to myself is WHY ON EARTH WOULD SHE REPEAT THESE THINGS. Danielle may be a bit dense at times but I'm sure she knows that relaying things Heather had said about Connor to Sara would only cause issues.

    Sara is pretty easygoing for the most part. So she would never mention being upset at someone for something but it was obvious because she went from being short with Heather to ignoring her altogether.

    They eventually made up this afternoon, but I'm still stuck on why Danielle would do such a thing. She knew it would create problems. We're all supposed to be friends here so why couldn't she keep something Heather had said in confidence to herself? It's not right. Danielle expects me never to tell anyone about all the guys she happens to be sleeping with...at the same time. I would NEVER tell anyone that, but I find it rather hypocritical for her to expect her secrets to be kept private when she can't keep a a few passing comments Heather made out of mere frustration to herself.

    I feel as if I'm vilifying Danielle but she has expressed her unyielding loyalty to Sara over anyone else time after time my sympathy for her is...lacking. I feel like she purposely tried to create a problem between Sara and Heather. What she was did was manage to leave out some of the comments she herself made about Connor... how convenient.

    The current situation now is that Sara and Heather are, for the most part, made up. I'm getting along with everyone but now Heather pretty much hates Danielle for what she feels was a total breach of trust.