Straight best friend ended our friendship because of my feelings for her

I met S last spring, and we became very close friends. I fell for her over the summer, despite knowing she was straight from the beginning. She told me that she had questioned her sexuality, and just because of things S did, I thought I might have a chance. IE- flirting, snuggling me. This kept happening after I came out to her. I kept telling myself that I had a chance, and after a while, I believed it. Starting in August, we'd get into these fights over stupid really things, like the fact that she's older than me, or the fact that I like someone who's zodiac sign is not compatible with mine. These happened about every other month, and it turned into a pretty bad cycle. But despite that, she was one of the best friends I've ever had. I've never met someone who seemed to 'get' me the way she did. We'd stay up until midnight texting every other night.

Sometime in December, I mentioned in a conversation that I had a crush on a straight girl. Whenever 'she' came up, I'd never say a name or other details. But what S didn't know is that I was talking about her. I was talking about S TO S. She started getting really curious about who it was, but I was always able to deflect the questions. On the 23rd, she came over to my house, and it was a pretty normal visit. We started talking about our crushes, and the unnamed straight girl came up again. S really wanted to know, and she talked me into playing 20 questions, to see if she could guess.

She did. We talked about it a little bit. She told me not to be sorry after I apologized, and she reluctantly said 'yes' when I asked if I had fucked things up. She told me that she would give me time to think, and that we should take a break. I didn't talk to her for about three weeks. All I learned was that my feelings for her went beyond 'like'. One day, she tracked me down in the hallway to tell me how mad she was at me. I was really upset and went to talk to her after school the next day. The talk went really well. We agreed that wanted to stay friends with each other, and that we had something worth. S even said that it took "Massive lady balls" to tell her. In the 15 minutes that I talked to her, it felt just like it had before she had found out. I've never been so relieved and happy in my life. And it really seemed like we could make it work.

Things were rough. We didn't text much, and she didn't talk to me in the lunch line. One of our last conversations drifted to our respective unrequited feelings. And as she talked about a stupid boy, I couldn't help but think, "Why the fuck is she talking to me about this? She knows that everything I'm going to have to say is going to be about her." It was over about two days later. She walked up to me in the lunch line, and told me that she couldn't do it anymore, that it was just too weird. S tried to walk away like nothing had happened. Stunned I asked her, "So, that's it? We're done?" She said yes. I walked away, and into the empty music wing. I slumped against a wall and well... I started sobbing uncontrollably. I felt so broken. I sat there until the theater teacher, Mrs. H, heard me, and took me into her office. Mrs. H knows both of us, and she said that she's going to try to get S and I in a room together to talk it out. This has yet to happen.

That day was almost a month ago, and I'm feeling better but not great. Almost every minute of the day, some memory of her is playing in my head, and I can't get it to stop. I miss S so much it hurts. The whole thing still has me feeling emotionally numb. She was an enormous part of my life, and now part of me feels empty. Unfortunately, this isn't the first time I've ever lost a best friend, but this has hurt me so much more than any of them combined. In a way, I feel like I'm still waiting for the good part of the cycle to roll around again. But I'm trying to move on, I really am. I just feel like I need some kind of closure.

Has anyone else ever gone through anything like this? If anyone has, I'd love to hear stories of how you got through this time. I know its been a month, but it still feels raw, and unfamiliar. Thank you so much for reading this, even when I slipped into narrative!

:help:

 

Thanks for all of the responses.

I should probably be giving her a little more credit for actually giving a shot, that must've been hard. I do realize that she could've easily given up without trying. And instead of apologizing for my feelings, I was saying sorry for not being honest about who I was talking about. She was actually pretty nice about it when she found out, I expected it to go a lot worse than it did. But at the same time, I really feel like she was giving it a real half-assed try. Yeah, I got that things wouldn't instantly go back to normal, but she could've tried a little harder. And I feel like she could've actually sat down and talked with me about not being able to stay friends, instead of just dumping it on me out of the blue.

I've been thinking, though. That if by some miracle, she came back, would I even want to be friends with her? Despite being unbelieveably awesome, she was a pretty terrible friend sometimes. The arguments with S got to be so cyclical that my mom called it emotionally abusive. But you're all right, it has only been a month, so if she still might come back. But it seems pretty unlikely.

One thing that I don't think got through in my first post. If Mrs. H does talk to S like she said she would, I might actually be able to talk to S about all of this in a controlled environment. I think that might be a good thing for me, since what I need the most right now is closure.

 

Being completely honest, I think she was more borderline abusive. Mostly in that I don't think she really expressly set out to hurt me. Not that I'm excusing or defending her behavior.

And Tectonic, I can understand your confusion. She's always been kind of hard to define. The nursury rhyme with the line, "When she was good, she was good. And when she was bad, she was horrid.", reminds me of her. Basically there didn't seem to be much of a middle ground with her. Either we were insanely happy or fighting over nothing. I think my feelings for her were blinding me to truly seeing her faults, just like you said.

Not blaming myself for this has been really, really hard. I feel like this could so easily have been avoided if I had done things differently. Like not making up a straight girl. Or saying "No" to her asking to play 20 questions. It's not just memories of her playing in my head constantly, I see the way things could've gone differently.