Guilt for the Past

2 years ago, I was a senior in high school. I was extremely unsure about myself and my orientation. This girl did seem to have a crush on me, and at the time, I thought it was real for me, too. Anyways, I lost my virginity to her and it was the final nail in the coffin to tell me I was gay, but she pushed hard for more sex. I tried to tell her I was gay and that I needed to end this (in nicer words with much better timing) and she got sad and angry. We broke up and instantly she went around telling everyone I was gay. Luckily for me, she was known to be a gossip and I was able to pass it off as a," she is just upset that I dumped her" thing. Until recently, I never felt bad about it, but now I have some more insight. I got with her pretty much to try and sleep with her and establish myself as straight. I did it to make sure my peers knew I was a "manly man." She was not a good girlfriend, and though she never did cheat on me, she would ask me to stop hanging out with longtime female friends, but ignore me when I said to stay away from the guy telling her to cheat on me with him. It was a bad relationship, but she did not deserve to get used.

I honestly don't know what I expect any of you guys to do, but I feel at least a little better discussing this. I can't talk to any of my friends or family because I'm still closeted, so........yeah. Thanks for any advice/insight/criticism you may have.

Cordially,
BucKeTz