I need opinions about something that is bothering me. I discovered that my boyfriend is running a blog dedicated to Asian boy bands. He posts to it dozens of times per day. Most of the posts are pictures of the teenage band members (no nudity, but sometimes erotic). Occasionally, he posts pictures of himself, things he is doing, or answers questions from followers. There is nothing obviously pointing to cheating but there are flirtatious posts with others, including girls (he tells me he is gay). A little background: he is in his mid-twenties, I am in my late twenties. We are in a monogamous relationship. When we met he had a similar (but more provocative) blog with pictures of guys and some other stuff, but also some partial nudes of himself. I didn't ask him not to continue it, but said I find it foolish to put personal info out on the internet. He said he wouldn't blog anymore. Several months ago, I found out he was blogging again and he tried to play it off as no big deal, as something that all of his friends do. He claims that posting the pictures of the boys is not about being attracted to them. I told him even though I didn't like the blogging, it was the fact that he was deceptive about it that mattered. There have been other incidents of deception, omission, or partial truths on his part, usually with minor stuff like this. He is very secretive with his cellphone and almost never leaves it unattended. When I pointed this out during the discussion/fight about the blog, he claimed it was because he didn't want me to see the blogging. My questions for others: would this bother you? I'm white, is it immature of me to be bothered by what I consider his obsession with Asian male beauty? At what point does deception in little things add up to a big problem? Any opinions, observations, or general comments are welcome.
"He is very secretive with his cellphone and almost never leaves it unattended." Which is completely fine for anybody...I don't even USE my phone for anything but I wouldn't let other people use it... If I'm honest (and this really depends on the written content of the blog) then I would think it's basically fine...I mean it wouldn't bother ME is what I'm saying. If I was in a relationship and my partner told me they didn't like something I enjoyed that I really didn't see as a problem, I'd be inclined to carry on. I mean you said yourself, he used to have 'partial nudes' and he doesn't anymore, which means he has cut out the part that seems the most...objectionable? I don't know whether it's immature so much as it just sounds like common jealousy...
If it makes him happy,support him.. Especially if he told u about site. I never used porn 3 months ago and I use it more than once a week to masturbate
Thanks for the replies. To clarify, he didn't tell me about it. A few weeks ago, I asked him if he was still blogging and he said, "No." ---------- Post added 14th Feb 2014 at 12:45 PM ---------- Regarding the cell phone, I mean leaving it unattended when we are home. I set my phone down on my desk if I am at the computer, or the coffee table if I am watching TV, or to charge if the battery is low. Most of my friends/family do the same, but he won't even leave his phone and go to the bathroom. Even if he plugs it in and says it is dying, when he gets up he will unplug it and take it with him.
The blog itself should not be an issue. If the content is not inappropriate, and there is no indication of cheating in the replies to the followers, then you should probably leave it alone; after all, he stopped doing the more "suggestive" stuff after you told him it was foolish. This means he is listening to you. I am a blogger myself (comic book related stuff), and although I would not expect a boyfriend to share that same passion (or quirkiness, whatever you want to call it) I would expect him to respect it; it's not like I am abandoning all other aspects of my life over a blog. Go over the content again, and being objective, see if it's inappropriate or whether he is oversharing private details of his (and yours?) life. Having a blog is not precisely the most secretive thing a person can do, so you can always see what he puts out there. Think of it as "quality assurance." Now, the phone, the omissions and all that? It is an entirely different matter, and I can't give an opinion. I am only defending the right to blog.
I think it's a little of both really. Personally I don't like secrets. Then again I have virtually no trust in other human beings. I assume they're all up to something or another xD If it bothers you than the simplest solution would just be to talk about it with him. Maybe the two of you can find some sort of mutually beneficial solution to the issue at hand. Personally, I don't think him running a blog should be too big a deal, and you might be going a little overboard about freaking over it. Lots of people have blogs, I rather enjoyed having my own when I did, they can be fun. Secrets bother me though, I don't like that kind of stuff because I just prefer honesty, I tend to do my best to not hide things from people xD So yeah, just talk about it with him. Also, as some of the others have mentioned. You're probably just being a little jealous. It's nothing serious, lots of people can get that way. It's another reason I think you should talk to him. Just as much as you should strive for him to be honest with you about things like the blog, you should be honest with him about how you're feeling. If you two learn to talk instead of keeping secrets maybe you'll both feel a little more at ease with one another
I wouldn't mind that he did that but I think you should trust him more I mean it's a blog about a boy band?! How many people don't have posters of their idols in their rooms. My feeling is that he is lying about it because he knows it upsets you while there isn't really something to be upset about.......my opinion
Definitely talk to him about it! The worst thing you can do in a relationship is assume something that might not even be true.
I don't think his having a blog is a bad thing at all. Also, it does seem you are worked up about the fact he's posting Asian guys since you're not Asian, but you shouldn't think that makes him consider you as being less worthy. It could just be a fetish.
I see nothing wrong with blogging. My one friend has a blog and talked to many people, including some lesbians who stumbled across it and would talk to her, her boyfriend had no problem with it, even when she would occasionally exchange pleasantries with a guy. As for the phone. So what? Why do you NEED to be able to access his phone? My phone's locked and I still don't leave it unattended, like ever, only if it's in my room. Some people are simply cautious over their phone, nothing wrong with that.
I don't think that it is truly the blogging that the OP is having problems with, rather the dishonesty and that is a valid irritation to have. I'm sure there are somethings that I do that other people may not care for, but I wouldn't blatantly lie and continue to carry on a hobby or interest in secret. The fact that he asked him and he outright denied it is an issue. The fact that he has actively been trying to keep the OP away from his electronics to further this lie is another issue. Having a need to be deceptive in a relationship for any cause is detrimental. It may not be enough to end the relationship, but it certainly isn't something that should be taken lightly. I would let him know that if he was still interested in blogging after discussing it with you, he could have easily continued to do so; however, telling blatant lies and being secretive is not acceptable in a serious relationship. He never said he needed to see his boyfriends phone. Preventing friends and family being around a personal phone or computer is perfectly fine, but actively making sure that your electronics do not fall into the hands of a partner is not. They should be able to be in the same vicinity as you when you talk on the phone, receive texts, or type of your laptop without causing paranoia.
No poll option for me. I don't think the blog is an issue, but the fact that you feel you can't trust him is an issue.
I'm going to give you advice my mother gave me and once I took it to heart it helped. That there are some things people will just continually lie about to avoid trouble or because even if it bugs you they really will never be able to stop doing. For example my father stashes away money. It drives my mom nuts that he hid it from her. However for him its a security thing that he always has something to the side to take care of the family if needed. Sure my mom hates that she has repeatedly told him that it bugs her and that he has repeatedly told her he would stop and wasnt doing it and was lieing the whole time. But she realizes its not a big deal as its not for any devious purposes. So in short yes its annoying but I dont think it will do you a lot of good to fight this battle. Talk about it sure but I doubt much will change.
