What to do ):

hi,

basically I've struggled with my sexual identity and the subsequent influence this had had on my mental/emotional stability for about 3-4 years now.

I began to realise my same-sex attraction around the same time I met this super hot handsome dude at my school. After some talking, he informed me that we were in fact born on the same day. I was v surprised, as we already shared an abundance of weird and peculiar interests and he was soooo hot, pulchritudinous is how I would describe...

But as time went by i started to realise my sexual attraction to him and talked with him less and less as I became more and more nervous around him. He also talked to/approached me far less to the point where we didn't really talk to each other for perhaps an entire year after that (maybe from like mid year9 to mid year 10.). We seemed to be avoiding each other (or, perhaps more plausibly, my nerves were the reason we stopped talking)

So, about a year and a half ago I posted this here on EC for some advice (not necessarily important just provides some context if anyone wants to read):

Spoiler

Hi,

to begin, I must apologise for posting a thread on this silly topic that is the issue of "Is he/could he be gay" which seems to be revived almost daily on this board. Also I have tried to condense the story as much as possible and am sorry if it comes across as inarticulate/ doesnt make sense/ jumps all over the place. - i deleted a more indepth concise version of this story as it was far too long and have just summarised.

Firstly, I am a 16 (now 17) year old gay/bi/dunno/ male, and am burdened by one of these gay crushes.

This handsome boy caught my attention when I was around 13/14 at high-school. When I first laid my eyes on him I immediately felt a strong connection with him. It was a very strange feeling and it almost felt as though I had known him from somewhere and I really wanted to talk to him. At this time, I did not consider or identify myself as gay, but I never really thought much of girls either.

I had written a huge thing on this but decided to delete it as this story needs about 6 pages if I want to get into detail so I shall just summarise now

- We started to talk more, realising a number of common interests, we both played Runescape from the same favorite movie (weird movie to share as favourite), same shcool shoes, to both having never tasted coca cola to even both having plain ham only rolls for lunch Seems kind of superficial now looking back but oh well at the time we both thought it was interesting haha. We started to develop our friendship more and more as time went by.

- One morning he said to me
"Hey I was looking at your FB the other day and noticed something; we are both born on the same day" Couldnt really believe it and neither could he haha. he even said something like "maybe we should get married"

-as time went by i started to realise my sexual attraction to him and talked with him less and less as I became more and more nervous around him. He also talked to/approached me far less to the point where we didn't really talk to each other for perhaps an entire year after that (maybe from like mid year9 to mid year 10.). We seemed to be avoiding each other.

- Toward the end of the year (10) I managed the courage to finally look him in the eye and began to talk to him. Throughout the entire conversation, he maintained a complete stare into my eyes as he and I talked. I could not equal his eye contact and had to look down at my computer and look away as I talked..I was far too nervous. As the days went on I forced myself to match his stare and it eventually came to the point where we both did not look away when we talked to each other 1 on 1. Anyway we started talking so much more in class and were starting to build our friendship again. Unfortunately the year break ended this and cut us off and upon starting a new year we did not talk at all ):

-Anyway we started playing a new online game together with a bunch of other mutual friends. Now I am the leader of the in game group along with another guy and he sent an application to join the group during 4th period of school with the accompanying message
"
I like dick
"
Now I did not see this message until I got home HOWEVER, during the break between 4 and 5, we locked eyes from a distance. I managed a breif smile before looking away. He then walked in my direction and passed me. A few moments later he came over beside me and said, "Hey I decided to play x" and we began our usual stare in eyes conversation.

NOW What my confused mind is telling me is that his confrontation between the break was because he thought I had seen the message in his application during P4 and my smile and eye contact with him during the break had conveyed that... It kind of makes sense as I was wondering after our encounter as to why he had decided to talk to me when we hadn't talked for like 6 weeks. But then again more than likely this is wishful thinking. Also, after our group forums had pretty much died (only me and the other leader were active), he editied someones post to say "would you like to suck my peniss (; "

I don't know, these are probably both just two innocent remarks made as a joke as straight people like to do to throw me off

ANYWAY what is your interpretation of the trimmed down story between me and him.

I didn't really talk about the glances/stares we give each other but then again I probably interpret them as something they aren't.

Again I apologise for this poorly written and constructed thread which could have included so much more detail but it is already far too long and convoluted ):

^to add above, I think I've come to the conclusion that he isn't bi/gay, but some things to remark: - he said he 'loved' my laugh, it was 'soo cool' when we were on camp (year 11), came up right behind me and held my chest when I was waiting to climb ladder and whispered in my ear 'can we go now?'... scared the crap out of me lol.. a number of other little things happened on that camp but i'd just be wasting words recalling them. Anyway,

After doing nothing about these feelings and allowing the attraction, depression, regret, and anxiety to build up as I became even more nervous around him, I messaged him anonymously on a game we used to play together a few weeks ago. the sentiment of my dialogue was extremely vague and intentionally concealed so as to not give away my identity, but when he compelled me to "stop speaking in riddles", I replied yesterday:

Upon conceiving my rationale, he immediately knew that I was behind the messages... Which is rather peculiar, isn't it? He also identified me using a past online pseudonym of mine rather than directly naming me. He simply said "I've solved the riddle... you're ***** aren't you?"

When I realised he knew, my heart collapsed in sadness. I cried for so long, so worried and anxious that I had ruined my entire life by this silly, stupid, creepy attempt to contact him... after many hours of feeling like crawling in a hole and dying (i've never come out to anyone) I reasoned that I had to confront him personally about this and not continue communication over a game. So I spent an hour or so writing him a note on FB. ended up being over 1100 words, and posted just before I went to bed.

Now I KNOW he has seen it- he's got some 'unseen' plugin for facebook which conceals the "seen" timestamp but I sent him a message on the game platform saying "check fb" in reply to what he sent, and it told me he saw that message.. so I am 100% sure he's seen what I wrote. anyway, I am so nervous and ashamed at what I've done, and extremely concerned should someone else find out.. anyway, here's what I wrote in its full length.

Spoiler

Hi,

I don't really know how to begin or how to articulate my thoughts in their entirety, because I seem to have gotten my self into a predicament I really didn't want and can't handle, but I'll try my best nonetheless..

No doubt, you have come to the conclusion that I am behind the user responsible for many enigmatic messages over ***, so if there is to be but one purpose of this message, it must be to sincerely apologise for what has been, admittedly, an extremely silly, ill-considered, strange anonymous correspondence made out of the blue... Undoubtedly, I'm sure that it has come as complete surprise to you (or maybe not..). My comments and their sentiment were totally inappropriate and unnecessary, and for that, I am sorry.
Now I don't intend for the next waffle to come across as weird (who wants to read the introspective ramblings of a homo?) but I feel its necessary given what I have already written over ***.

As I have tried to say, I'm unfortunately burdened by this strange biological phenomenon known as same-sex attraction.

I still remember the first day I caught you out of the corner of my eye in year 8. I was like WHOA who's that! hes fucking hot haha, then a couple of weeks later you came up and said "i just realised we have the same birthday" and from then I was knnew I was hooked! this handsom, fit, good looking guy born on the same day and plays runescape! couldn't have found a better pick hahaha

The social stigma surrounding homosexuality made it impossible for me to disclose these feelings and thoughts to anyone for fear of complete rejection and repudiation.
This, in conjunction with my social anxiety, made me unbelievably nervous and apprehensive whenever I was around you and anyone else i might have fallen fr. I remember when I could barely look in to your eyes when we used to talk more, and really any of my friends for that matter, in yr 9 (when I started coming to the dreadful realisation that I was in fact....see I still can't say it ): ) for fear that they would see right through me. I've since grown out of that idiosyncrasy, but I still haven't, and will probably never, arrested my terrible anxiety.

and because of this predicament surrounding my 'preference', I've been continually forced to play a complex guessing game, over analysing behavior and always wondering if they could be like me.

Is he? Could he? Will he? Won't he? Might he?

As I could never approach in person to ask such a question, I was forced to resort to abstruse messages/communication online. Whenever you would initiate conversation in person I became so nervous... I would always avoid it... like the other night when I was saying goodevening as I left to everyone, which I did, expect raced past and neglected to saying anything to you, if you even noticedd, lol,..

Basically, the last few years of pent up stress, dejection, depression, and regret then came out at about 1 am that night while I was watching the cricket, ashamed at what I had become and how much it was influencing my emotions/mental equanimity.
As I said, it was the coming together of same-sex attraction+S.A.D+hottest guy on planet+3-4 years= mental explosion and silly decision to send anonymous messages... now look where thats gotten me..

I just wanted it over. to wake up from this silly fantasy. a simple reply of 'fuck off and leave me alone' to snap out of it.. I'm still so ashamed at what I have done, its so sad, and really just creepy.

Then when you made a positive ID, I was so scared if someone else were to find out about me (what did I expect...), then sobbing, + hours of sadness and introspection later, I decided to compose this message, I had no other option...
so I plead to you, please please please please please don't say, show, or distribute anything about this to anyone, not your cat, dog, best friend, girlfriend, mum, dad, sister, brother, prime minister...

I feel gutted, you can't imagine what it feels like coming out to someone in this way... if anyone else found out i wouldn't be able to live with myself.

so please, for me, keep this secret with you. and only you. because once one friend knows, despite who they are and what they may say otherwise, they will invariably share with someone else under the same false pretense of confidentiality, and the spiral continues...

I probably won't ever be able to look at you/talk with you ever again I am so ashamed, but as I said, I needed to move on and wake up (which I should have done early, but as I said, this silly burden that is homosexuality plays terrible tricks on the mind,). i wish you hadn't identified me, and instead just sent a "piss off and leave me alone forever"... ah well... at least this is off my head.

sorry for the incoherent rambling, don't have too much time to edit, need to be up early for MX2 period 0.

I have no doubt that what i've said will be received as exceedingly confronting, strange, weird, abrupt, and, at least hopefully, insightful.

for me, this has been almost impossible to do, for I absolutely detest sharing how I truely feel about this stuff with anyone (and haven't ever...), and I can't imagine what you must feel like reading this... angry, shocked, repulsed, confused, annoyed,.. and I know its my fault as I got myself into this mess.

I can't expect you to understand what this feels like for me, but I hope you will appreciate what the confidentially of this means, because truthfully if anyone finds out I couldn't continue ):

ah i feel so sick, this has been so sad and depressing for me... but at least its off my mind forever.

Sorry once more for everything, I hope you will forgive me one day, i understand if you can't, I wish this never happened, I wish I wasn't the way I am, because I think it ruined a long time ago, what could have been a decent friendship otherwise..

but now I can go to bed.

night

(if you want to arrange a time to berate, abuse, attack, condemn, criticse, hurt, unleash on me, thats fine, i can handle that, just let me know, but i have no idea or answer to what would happen if someone else knew of this..): )

and sorry for the essay, this is what 4 years of concealed, internalised, pushed away emotions looks like, sorry it was dumped on you.

So now I have no idea what to do. (this all unfolded yesterday evening BTW)

I am so scared, upset, angry, confused..... I hardly slept last night. Today at school I managed to avoid him entirely, almost crossed paths a couple of times but I couldn't bring myself to lift my gaze from the floor....

What if he tells someone (i somewhat doubt that he will, he is like me in that he is pretty introverted) but he does hang around this one friend heaps and he might tell him? god I hope not..

What do I do? I need help.

I feel so exposed. I am so afraid and concerned. I was almost tempted to speak to the counselor today. I'm a mental and emotional wreck.

The next few days will be most interesting..

edit: Just thinking, may after I give him a few days, I should ask how he knew it was me?

 

He replied. I am so glad I messaged him now, my mind is so much clearer, and I feel I have gained a genuine friend.

I won't disclose what he wrote here, but it has made me so happy.