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I think this is a vent more than anything

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by beloved, Feb 18, 2014.

  1. beloved

    Regular Member

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    I know I'm fairly new here, so I'm not going to assume everyone knows any of my back story.

    First and foremost, I'm newly divorced. And by newly, I mean I got divorced on January 24th. We were separated for around 10 months before that. We have two kids and I have primary custody. That being said, he hasn't seen the kids, except for on Skype, since I moved back to Tennessee. So, he's coming early March to see them.

    I didn't figure out my gender identity until about October of last year. I definitely have not told him. He has absolutely no clue. As do most of the people in my life, besides my mom and sister. My ex is one of those guys that if he sees 4 guys in a car, he'll say something to the effect, "They must be gay. No straight guy is going to ride along with 3 other guys in the car" or the fact that if the guy is gay it means they think he's attractive and will hit on him. He doesn't think same-sex marriage should be legal, because he's Roman Catholic and feels like marriage is between a man and a woman. (Just typing this out makes me wonder why I even stayed married to him even if he hadn't done all the stuff he did, holy crap.)

    Anyways, my mother likes to blab. She's said things about me being genderfluid offhandedly a couple of times. Hell, it's how my sister found out for sure because I hadn't right out told her, I just explained what genderfluid is and didn't say anything about myself. So, I'm worried that he's going to find out. It's bad enough that I have to go to a psychologist because I'm dealing with a lot of shit that he's put me through on top of being bipolar. If he finds out, he's going to think I'm crazy and I'm worried he's going to try to prove I'm an unfit parent for my kids and take them away. He knows I'm Pan, well he thinks I'm pansexual. Anyway, he knows that and he doesn't care about that. Mostly because of the "girls with girls is hot" mentality, but only if it's sexual. God forbid if they want to get married. /sarcasm
    So, I don't know if I'm stressing over nothing or if maybe I should just fucking tell him and get it over with. Honestly, I don't even know why I'm worried about him finding out besides the whole unfit parent part.

    Another thing I'm dealing with is depression on top of feeling so freakin' lonely. I literally have no friends that live near me. My best friend is an hour away. I have no transportation. I want to make friends, but I don't have a job yet and I have social anxiety like no tomorrow. I've been begging my best friend to go to a gay club since December but she keeps avoiding the question and I literally have no one else I can ask to go with me. On top of that, I want the benefits of a relationship without the actual relationship. If that makes sense. I want someone to come spend time with me. I want to cuddle, watch movies, play video games, maybe make out occasionally. But I don't want the commitment because I don't think I'm emotionally ready for that.

    I think this post is mostly me venting and whining. I'm sorry. :icon_sad:
     
  2. Beantown

    Beantown Guest

    Telling him and not telling him sounds tricky so I dunno for that, but with the depression thing and feeling lonely I totally get that since when going to like a lesbian bar I have no one to go with so I have to go alone which creeps me out more than anything but it's not so bad once people start talking to you it's totally fine also I get wanting someone their without commitment, that's why I'm kinda like stringing my ex along so that he's still their but I don't have to be committed to him even though he wants to be although a lot of the time it makes me feel heinous. You could try a no strings relationship?
     
  3. Claudette

    Claudette Guest

    I don't think you need to worry about the unfit parent thing too much. He would need alot more evidence then just your orientation =p
     
  4. beloved

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    I've been thinking about just going by myself to the club, but Tennessee isn't exactly the most welcoming state when it comes to anything not hetero or binary. So I'm really scared of going alone, because I'm not physically strong at all.

    And I guess that's what I'm looking for is a no strings, but most people want sex with that and I don't want sex at all. That's the furthest thing from my mind.
     
  5. Beantown

    Beantown Guest

    I completely get that, why don't you try and stay in contact with people you meet in the club and see if that pans out? You could become really good friends and maybe that'll develop into the kind of friendship where your close enough to cuddle but not close enough to have sex? I kinda get how hard it is for someone to stay in contact cause the only ones who want to try and contact me all the time are guys who want to ask me out at university but you know we gotta keep trying.:eusa_danc
     
  6. beloved

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    Yeah, likely logically I know that. But I think if I told him, "Hey, I'm gender fluid. Which means I change genders depending on my mood", he would like flip out and try to find other ways to deem me unfit. Not that he would find any, but it's the simple fact that I don't want the stress of arguing with him anymore. During the divorce it was so rough. I went out ONE night and he kept texting me through the whole night saying I was unfit and selfish and didn't deserve my kids. It was one night. Before that I hadn't been out in over a year. I had to turn my phone on silent and give it to my friend because he wouldn't stop texting me. So who knows how he would respond to something that he probably couldn't even understand.

    ---------- Post added 18th Feb 2014 at 03:11 AM ----------

    Yeah, that sounds like a good plan, honestly. I just gotta suck it up and overcome my fears, haha.
     
  7. Beantown

    Beantown Guest

    Yeah it's like super hard I know but a lot of people aren't as unaccepting as like my parents so it should be fine, plus it's probably just as hard for them.