my mother supports me BUT..........

whenever she talks of the future, my future, our future, the future of my nearest and dearest, there are things missing, *important things that concern myself.

for instance, just today it happened again:

i spoke of my desire to eventually find myself in south america, or perhaps california (same thing), and we both agreed rather playfully that wherever i go, she'll come with me.

after which, her words were something like this -
"when your siblings are married and settled down, then i'll go wherever you want to live, and we and your father can live happily any way we want."

"we and your father".

just us three.

and that's it.

so...unlike my hetero siblings, i won't get married/have kids/get a pet? i'm not saying i know i will, perhaps i won't, perhaps she sees my future better that i do, after all, she is my mother, and perhaps she [lovingly] knows i'm not fit for that sort of lifestyle after what's she seen so far from me.

i also told her that i met someone from cape verde today. when i said that, she went quiet for a bit, perhaps it was the poor signal, or perhaps she heard "i met someone" and was worried of the outcome. it was nothing, i told her i met my first cape verdean and it was interesting enough. ha.

i must not leave out the fact that she supports "me", possibly more that i support myself. i'm sure she doesn't pray that i'll end up alone, but i just always get the feeling that she cannot fathom the thought of me finding that sort of partnership with another person of the same sex, finding love (with the same sex). truth be told, i doubt myself (and this is not a pity party, please none of this ohhh u will def find luv 1 day dont wrry!! ^^).

up until now, she's never agreed to any such thing (living abroad), even light-heartedly, she has always been opposed to leaving her family and old life behind. but today was different, perhaps she's come a step further. perhaps she knows, things won't be easy for me here if i were to live as myself, a gay man. so i do have some hope. but i am still bothered by the notion that she thinks of me as the damaged child, though she may not communicate it to me in clear words, i feel like that is the effect i have had on her. the burden child.

has anyone encountered a similar response/situation? this all seems terribly vague, i apologise in advance if this thread is a flop.

 

you are indeed correct, i'm the youngest and the idea of a deep and meaningful relationship (and what comes after it (marriage)) seems like it's far away, but in a few months i will no longer be able to call myself a teenager, so perhaps not as far away as once thought. indeed, things wont be easy, especially trying to explain to my dear old grandmother! i hope youre right, i hope she'll feel at peace, genuine happiness, then i'll be happy knowing she's happy with me being happy etc.

e obrigado pela oferta, que bom

you're right, it is comforting to know that somewhere out there someone knows what it's like (and in the past it'd often aggravate her if i probed her to talk too, she's slowly opening up though). thanks for the comment