1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Help Me Help My Friend (Please)!

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by canwetalk, Feb 20, 2014.

?

What do you think?

  1. He's straight.

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  2. He's gay.

    1 vote(s)
    9.1%
  3. He's bi.

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  4. He's very confused.

    10 vote(s)
    90.9%
  1. canwetalk

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2014
    Messages:
    34
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Boston, MA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    ***I'm warning you this is a long post***

    Ok, I've got a friend, let's call him Joey. I've known Joey for about eh 9-10 months now. I know him because he dated a friend of mine Emmy (who's a girl) for about 2 months. After they broke up I was curious what happened so I started to talk to him on my own to try and figure it out. I always thought he was straight until I started to actually talk to him and became friends with him. It took me a while to actually start to think he wasn't straight (I think he's probably bi). I just started to notice patterns in his behavior and how our discussions went.

    At first when we'd talk it was pretty normal we'd talk about the girl he dated and whether or not they could get back together. Then we started to talk more and he began to open up. He's extremely depressed. He's very lonely. And he's told me a couple of times I'm the only person who he's actually opened up to. Also, in the past he's randomly asked me about gay sex or brings it up. He'll talk about how he doesn't think he could ever do it. I usually joke about it and don't take it too seriously, but when I do take a more serious approach he seems taken aback and gets very anxious. Then after every time sex comes up he brings up Emmy. Even though we never really talk about her anymore. I've never brought up sex with him, he always brings it up.

    Also on more than one occasion he's told me how he loves me and appreciates me. I'm not going to lie I like when he says this. But then he will end up talking about how he wishes I was a girl. How I'd "be perfect for him if I was a girl" (his words). The whole "wishing I was a girl" thing really bugs me and it shouldn't be too hard to see why. And after all that he will then bring up Emmy again. I actually sent him one of those kiss emojis :kiss: and said no homo with it joking, then he replied yes homo, then said he loved me, and that I was like a girl he doesn't have sexual feelings for.

    Then there's something that happened a few weeks ago: he was drinking and we were texting and I was just teasing him like I usually do. Then he didn't reply for a couple minutes then I get a text from him saying that "I only make fun of him because he's gay" then he called me an asshole. He didn't talk to me for a little over a week after that.

    I actually talked to my friend who he dated and she's told me that she knows for a fact he's not straight, she's told me a few times she honestly thinks he's gay. She's very attractive and she said she'd try to go further with him and he wouldn't want to at all. That he was very uncomfortable with anything intimate. He's not dated anyone since her. And every time he's told me he has a date since then the date mysteriously cancels (shocking right?). He tries to keep up this womanizing appearance with other people, he tries to be the stereotypical dumb jock boy but he tells me that's not who he is at all and that he puts on a show for other people. He's so ridiculously insecure.

    So. Basically to sum it up, my relationship with Joey is screwy and I get that. And he's probably "not straight." I just want some advice from anyone who might have been in this kind of situation before. How to handle it. And how I could create an environment where he's comfortable being open. As much as he has opened up to me I know that there's still a lot he's uncomfortable talking about. Gay, straight, or bi, he's my friend, I do really love him and I want to help him and be there for him. I don't really care what he is at this point. I'm very lucky to have him as a friend. He's very smart and has such a kind heart it really kills me that he doesn't see that he's a beautiful and unique person. Help me help my friend.
     
  2. Simple Thoughts

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 21, 2013
    Messages:
    3,426
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Columbus, Ohio
    Oh wow that was an interesting story. It's really cute in a weird sorta way.

    I feel bad for your friend. It seems like he's a little uncomfortable about who he is, and more than that he seems almost repressed by himself. I really don't know exactly how to go about helping him, but from the progression of your story it seems like he's already on the right path. :slight_smile:

    I think you'll just have to give it time. Keep being there for him, and make sure he knows that anytime he needs to talk you're happy to listen. I'm sure in time he'll come around to finding that courage to come clean about how he feels.

    I'm sorry this isn't the most helpful advice in the world, but to me it just sounds like you'll just have to be patient with him
     
  3. canwetalk

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2014
    Messages:
    34
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Boston, MA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thanks haha I didn't think I'd get a reply so quick. But yeah like I said he's just really insecure. He comes from a really uptight conservative family. And he's always hung around with " the popular kids," like the sporty jock guys. So he represses himself but there's definitely some parent issues there. He constantly talks about how he wants to have a normal life like white picket fence and 2.5 kids but how he's never going to be happy like that.
     
  4. Simple Thoughts

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 21, 2013
    Messages:
    3,426
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Columbus, Ohio
    I see. That's unfortunate.

    Though really gay straight or bi he can have the white picket fence with 2.5 children ( not sure how you have half a kid lol ) it's not really out of the question for anyone these days.

    Just give him time. Especially if he comes from an overly conservative family. It's hard to find that inner strength to be open about these things. Just be there for him, and try your best to be his foundation when he's feeling weak. When the time is right for him everything will come out into the open :slight_smile:
     
  5. canwetalk

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2014
    Messages:
    34
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Boston, MA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thank you :slight_smile: Just nice to talk to someone about it. Can be stressful sometimes.
     
  6. Simple Thoughts

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 21, 2013
    Messages:
    3,426
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Columbus, Ohio
    Seems that you respond just as quickly as me lol :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    oh and don't stress it too much. If you ever need to vent/talk about it I'm always aimlessly browsing EC since I have nothing better going on. Feel free to wall post anytime ^^
     
  7. canwetalk

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2014
    Messages:
    34
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Boston, MA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Haha thanks. I see we have no lives lol.
     
  8. Simple Thoughts

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 21, 2013
    Messages:
    3,426
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Columbus, Ohio
    Nope, none at all.

    Even if I wanted a life it's non-optional at the moment lol
     
  9. canwetalk

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2014
    Messages:
    34
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Boston, MA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I tried to wall post it told me I didn't have enough posts yet :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  10. Simple Thoughts

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 21, 2013
    Messages:
    3,426
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Columbus, Ohio
    You have to reach 10 I think before it'll let you do it.

    Go play in the chit-chat area or something lol
     
  11. jonnemack

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2014
    Messages:
    150
    Likes Received:
    5
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    He needs distance from parents and current life.

    Maybe when he goes to college someday he might feel more in the mood to be open. All he wants is a girl that talk to him the way you do, just to satisfy his parents and everyone he HAS TO care.

    I am sorry for him and way more for you. He seems a nice guy and you're probably going to lose this friendship because of his stupid family that raised a gay guy to be a stupid guy.
     
  12. Ghost93

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2014
    Messages:
    349
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    He is probably gay or bi with a preference for guys. And I think he is confused and unsure about his feelings.

    I wouldn't pressure him to come out or anything. I would just let him know that you are there for him regardless.
     
  13. WhiteShadows

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 23, 2013
    Messages:
    1,034
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Australia
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I think it's clear he has feelings for you. It's just a matter of if he's going to accept them.
    You have a few options. I think you really need to make the next step. You could talk to him about it, tell him you like him (if you do) or ask him if he likes you in a romantic way (reassuring him that he can be honest with you). You could also just come out to him, that might make him feel alright to open up more. I think generally you need to get closer to him as a friend. Maybe you could try some mild physical contact like hugging also.

    Keep us updated with how it goes (*hug*)
     
  14. canwetalk

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2014
    Messages:
    34
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Boston, MA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thanks you guys :slight_smile: I am out and I'm honest about being gay and I don't mind discussing it. I'm very hesitant to bring it up with him though because he's very uncomfortable with the topic when I bring it up (I do sometimes), but he brings it up and he will just talk then he eventually gets back to wanting me to be a girl thing. And with the physical contact thing: anyone can hug him (even a guy) and he's fine with it. But dear god if I get remotely close to him he tenses up and gets uncomfortable & annoyed. I'm not saying we don't hug or anything but he has to initiate it, when I start it I can just tell he's uncomfortable. And he's 6'4 I'm only 5'8 I can't really force myself on him lol. So it's kind of hard because I want to be affectionate but at the same time I don't want to make him upset.
     
  15. Simple Thoughts

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 21, 2013
    Messages:
    3,426
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Columbus, Ohio
    I'm sure with some time and some helpful support from you he'll get their on his own with some time. Like I've said a thousand times never stop supporting him and when he's ready he'll open up about everything and you'll know ^^
     
  16. canwetalk

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2014
    Messages:
    34
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Boston, MA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    It's just hard to see him in such a bad spot. He just is so depressed right now and I know that the whole sex thing (I see the pun & I'm choosing to ignore it) plays a role in his depression.
     
  17. Simple Thoughts

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 21, 2013
    Messages:
    3,426
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Columbus, Ohio
    I know it's rough. Depression isn't something that just 'poofs' away overnight. It's usually a hard struggle, and the best thing you can do for someone who's depressed is be there for them when they need you. He'll get there as long as you stay strong and are always there to support him ^^
     
  18. canwetalk

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2014
    Messages:
    34
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Boston, MA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You should be a therapist...
     
  19. Simple Thoughts

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 21, 2013
    Messages:
    3,426
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Columbus, Ohio
    I'm hardly qualified for that xD
     
  20. canwetalk

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2014
    Messages:
    34
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Boston, MA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Then get qualified dude cause you'd be amazing.