Hey all, I'm posting here because I need some objective advice. I've been in a relationship with my partner for almost 10 years now. I'm in my late 20s, he's in his mid 30s. He and I met online, and after emailing and chatting ended up dating. I fell very quickly for him. I told him I loved him within a month. However, there were some growing pains early on. I was still very insecure, and he drank a lot. I ended up flirting with guys online, so he ended up flirting with guys in public, so I ended up flirting with the same guys in public, until it eventually blew up. We forgave each other and he ended up moving in with me. Around this same time, he lost his job. He has bipolar disorder so we agreed that it'd be ok if he stayed home and assumed domestic duties and I became the breadwinner. However, the bipolar disorder has its own challenges. He wasn't medicated at first, but began to give up drinking and began taking meds. We moved, and he had something of a relapse, and so I reacted in the same passive agressive way as before. Again we forgave each other and moved on. (This was around 5 years ago.) Since then, we've had ups and downs but things have been mostly consistent. Most of our problems are the simple day-to-day general life type problems involving money and that sort of thing. I have been suffering with clinical depression for my entire adult life. Recently, I've realized things have gotten very bad for me. I don't know exactly when it happened, but I found myself sad, empty, and almost unable to feel. I realized that deep down I hate myself, and that I've put up very high walls to protect myself from bad feelings. I've taken steps to start fixing myself, and I want to address the way I'm feeling about my relationship, but I'm not sure how, or even if I should. I also know that a component of this is the fact that I am not out to my parents (although I am to his) and I keep the details of the relationship to myself. I have realized lately that this makes me feel guilt as if I am embarrassed by the relationship. I often end up feeling like the parent in the relationship, and that drives me crazy. I feel like because of his mental condition, I end up bearing the weight of responsibility for everything, because he either won't or can't. That in turn makes me feel guilty. I don't blame him for this, but I know that this burden and recent financial hardships have contributed greatly to my most recent bout of depression. The thing that probably bothers me the most (to use a cliche) is that the "spark" feels like it's gone. I want to feel silly and stupid and romantic again, but I don't know how or even if I can. I don't know if it's my problem, the relationship, or both. Neither he nor I participate in the "scene" very much, nor do we have lots of friends outside the relationship that we hang around with. However, I still end up seeing happy affectionate couples in public and feeling insanely jealous. Yet, I find it so hard to try to feel that way myself. Any and all advice is appreciated. Thanks for reading.
That's some situation you have there. My advice is to try to see if you both can make it work again. Talk to him and tell your partner how you feel. Communication is essential in relationships and it sounds like you've been keeping your feelings from him. Once you open up again, maybe that spark will return. Maybe it won't. I can't say for certain. If it does return, perhaps this would be just the thing you need to come out to your parents and then the guilt might go away. One of the quotes I have taped to my bedroom "wall of inspriation" is :"Action may not bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action." The thing is, you can't expect to get anywhere in life if you don't at least try. Sure, it may backfire, but you just have to accept that and be prepared to learn from it if it happens. However, considering you've been together for so long and have worked through a number of issues (as well as having that consistency you describe) I doubt it will go anything short of fine. Seriously, just start by talking to him about your feelings again, then go from there. Good luck
When I saw you moved in and hadn't worked out those big problems beforehand, that sent a red flag. I think you need to ask your partner to stand on his own two feet, and you need some distance so that he can relearn how to be independent.
