Can't get her off my mind

I need to move on, I keep trying. Its been 3 years since we broke up, 2 years since we've been close friends, and 7 months since we've talked. I should be use to not having her around by now but I'm not.
I keep having very vivid sexual (day) dreams about my ex and recently I wrote some of them down. She's the only girl I've ever been with and the only one I've ever been sexually attracted to. We had a rough ending to our relationship. Though I am 3 years older than her I had come out to all my friends a few months before I met her and I might have not been ready for that intense of a relationship. Problem is when we were together, she got to touch me whenever she wanted and I didn't touch her unless she asked really. Being with a girl was new to me and I was scared, but the first time i had sex with her I got her off and it was amazing.
The next couple times I was nervous and felt pressured so I didnt do so well. I felt like a failure because i wanted to satisfy her and I didnt. I blamed my lack of experience for that. And I was hesitant because she told me she had been raped before, a few times. I wanted her so bad but I also felt horrible for it.
Anyway I think my lack of sex with her caused her to cheat. And though we tried to work it out, I couldnt and broke up with her. I had been so angry at her, not understanding how the girl I had fallen in love with could do that to me. We tried an open relationship, which I regret. And when ever she wanted sex I would get angry and just go into a different room. I couldnt have sex with her because I kept visualizing some guy fucking her, the one she cheated on me with, but i never found out what he looked like.

So now after all this time and her leaving, i feel so unfulfilled. I have day dreams and dream of her when I sleep constantly, a lot of the time they're sexual fantasies. I dont know what to do, shes the only person i've ever felt this strongly about.
Everyone thinks i should give up on her but shes is everything I've ever wanted. And she said i was the other half of her.
So confused, and heartbroken, and depressed.
I've been told it'll get better and I'll meet a girl that is right for me. But no girls have showed up and i cant seem to find a new girlfriend. Guys chase after me and it's so annoying, since I'm a lesbian. My head and heart agree that my ex is the one, but my friends tell me I'm wrong.:bang::help:

I kind of just want out of this life.

 

I've tried online dating, a few different sites. I asked a couple friends if they had any single friends that they could set me up with. I dated a guy friend of mine for a week, even though I wasn't attracted to him at all. I've been single for 3 years now. But its like a neverending process, trying to move on. I know that we had some problems but I also know that when I'm with her I feel so safe. She makes me feel like I belong here and without I just seem to be lost. I find it hard to enjoy things that I liked to do before I met her. I keep trying to get out of this. I'd really rather not feel this way about a person that can't be honest with me about her feelings. But I don't know how to just stop loving someone

 

At this point, I doubt it. But part of me is hoping she'll randomly show up again. I keep going on with my life. Focusing on work and my own personal goals. But everyday I'm hoping for that knock on my door and that it's her.

---------- Post added 23rd Feb 2014 at 03:57 PM ----------

She left for college in august and said we couldn't talk right now but that maybe we could be friends later on down the road. I havent tried to contact her, she made it pretty clear that she didnt want to talk about anything with me. I guess if she wants to pretend I dont exist then I have to try to do that to her too.

 

I did that right after we broke up. It was easy because I was so angry at her. I ended up just throwing the list away, it was like 6 things I didnt like about her.

I should have told her how I felt when we were close friends again. Instead of pushing her away. I was so scared of her rejecting me and then thats what I ended up getting because I waited so long to tell her I loved her. I'm such an idiot

 

I don't really have anything to write since I don't know her anymore. If it wrote a list it would just be past tense, it wouldnt be about who she is today.

 

That's true. Guess I've lost her forever now.

Also I'm trying to move on but I have this feeling that when and if I find someone new she'll show up. She did it before, when i dated this one girl a few months after her she was in my life again. And when i dated that guy for a week, she came back and had to be friends again. I'm afraid when i date someone new she'll show up and want me, then I'll have to choose.

I'm thinking too far in advance, aren't I? Ugh why do I do this

 

Sometimes they don't feel like memories, just strange dreams. That whole relationship feels like a dream and I think it's because how she cut me out of her life. I keep trying to move on, and if I start to get close to a new person then my ex shows up again. Shes had several relationships since we were together and it feels like shes just distracting herself so she doesn't have to deal with her feelings for me. And yes she was my first love, and I want her to be my only one.

 

Thank you for your advice.

I have made that mistake of comparing others to her. People keep telling me I'm gonna find a girl that makes me feel way better than her. But I doubt it. Like I said I've been single for a few years now and haven't really met anyone.

Part of me wants to just make more lesbian friends, possible find someone to just cuddle with so I don't have to always feel so lonely. And the other part of me wants a new relationship.

I really hope that I'll have some luck on my side and my ex will come back. I wish I could talk to her so bad. But for now, I'm just hoping to move on in some way or at least be able to distract myself

 

Yeah I have her number and I have her on facebook. But I hid her posts so that I don't have to get angry when scrolling anymore.