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I Don't Want this to Be a Problem

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by JayJayP, Feb 24, 2014.

  1. JayJayP

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    Ok, so this is my first post, and I'm not sure if this is the right section to post, but I need reassurance, I guess.

    So my boyfriend and I (I am a male and 19) have been together for almost 4 months and we're becoming more and more sexual with one another. He never makes me do anything I'm not comfortable with, but I feel like I'm straining our relationship for a few reasons.

    1.) I won't do anal sex until he's tested for HIV and he hasn't yet.
    2.) I told him he has to show me the paperwork after the test results are given (I know at Planned Parenthood they offer that option).
    3.) I won't do much more than just give a handjob anymore.

    I feel like I have good reason, because I had a scare not long before we were together. I also know that about a month before we were together, he was having casual sex with people he'd met online. That's ok, I don't judge him, I just don't want to go through the anxiety of hoping I don't have HIV. But now I guess I'm having anxiety in general over the whole situation.

    I know if he gets tested, this will be put to rest, but he hasn't and that worries me. I want sex to be enjoyable and not something I panic about. I don't know how many times I can talk to him about this before he gets seriously pissed at me for bringing it up. I guess if he's not willing to understand, then he's not worth it (and the sex will definitely not be worth it). I'm just stressed. Help? :icon_sad:
     
  2. Chip

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    Hi, Jay.

    First, I just want to make sure you understand what HIV testing means. The standard screening is testing for antibodies. So all it tells you is that, at the moment the test was taken, the person does not have antibodies to HIV. This could be because he doesn't have HIV (the most likely case), or it could also be that he got infected, but his body has not yet developed antibodies.

    So, for example, let's say that Phil gets tested on March 1st and the result is negative (non-reactive.) On March 10th, Phil has unprotected sex with someone who is HIV positive and the virus is transmitted. Over the next 2 or 3 weeks, the virus replicates rapidly, and so he has a very high viral load (and a very high risk of transmitting it to others. He has unprotected sex with someone on March 31st.

    On April 1st, Phil gets tested... and is again HIV- because his body hasn't yet developed antibodies. But the person he had sex with on March 31st is at high risk of being infected, because Phil's viral load is high, and he's got no antibodies to the virus yet, and yet... he's still testing negative. By May 1st, Phil's antibodies have kicked in, the viral load is way down... but now, when tested, he's positive, because he's got the antibodies.

    Do you see what I'm getting at? If we care about our own health, we can never assume that someone is HIV- regardless of when they've got their test result... unless we know for an absolute fact that the person's had no risk of exposure in the past 90 days, and has had a test at the end of that.

    So we have two options: We can live our lives in fear, or we can take precautions, always play safe, and be thoughtful about the risks we choose to take *and* get tested regularly.

    Also, the highest infection risk right now, at least according to one study I read, is from committed partners (who, obviously are not-so-committed because one of them is cheating.) And I personally know several people who were infected after barebacking with their partner, who was cheating on them and not disclosing the fact.

    Point being... testing helps. But it should not be something that "completely puts the issue to rest" because there's always the possiblity of a delayed development of antibodies, and there's always the possibility that the other person is cheating and not playing safe when doing so.

    If you always play safe (condoms for anal, not ejaculating in each other's mouths, careful about not getting semen in one another's eyes), and get regularly tested, then the risk of transmission is pretty close to zero. Anything else, and the risk increases substantially.

    Does that help?
     
  3. JayJayP

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    Yes. But I have to say that I know it doesn't completely put something to rest. A state of mind in this moment it does, maybe? Condom use is a no brainer for our relationship, and he's ok with that too.

    So would you agree that if he had sex in October and he gets tested (or got, rather) in January and then gets tested in April, assuming he's remained faithful, that the antibodies would be present at the end of six months? That's my understanding.

    I see this testing as a precaution, and it does not necessarily put me 100% at ease, because I too know someone who was cheated on, and in result, picked up HIV and other diseases. I'm just kind of throwing what's in my head out there because I just need someone to listen, I guess.

    Yes, thank you for your help I appreciate it, I'm just trying to make sense of what I'm thinking.
     
  4. setnyx

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    i think you should both go get tested together and have things explained to both of you @ the same time. he may feel singled out because of his past.
     
  5. JayJayP

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    I was thinking the same thing. I don't want to play 20 questions because it could be taken as a trust issue when it's not.
     
  6. mobrien1993

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    I would just stay strong and not give in. I would wait until he gets tested to try to put any worries you have to rest.
     
  7. Treasury

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    First off, you obviously have the right to decide how far you would prefer to go with your partner. Your comfort is a priority and obviously he's aware of that (which is good!).

    Secondly, I completely agree with setnyx's post above mine. You both should go in and clear any confusions together. Then, you can both decide on your next course of action at which you both are comfortable.

    A 6 month period is usually a statistically good enough time period for antibodies to be detected, IF the virus is present in his body. If he does not have HIV in his body, from his previous sexual activities, then he obviously would not have antibodies and thus, he would be HIV-.

    Whatever your plans are, I advise you to discuss them with your partner, so that he's aware of what's bothering you and things might progress a bit smoother in the future :slight_smile:

    Take care, and be safe!