First type posting after lengthy lurking, if you can't help, just listen to my story

Hey there,

So, it took me quite some time to finally sign up and start posting, but I felt that I might feel a bit better if I share my story. It's not unusual, trust me, you've heard it all before. With that being said, I just can't help but feel like I'm the only person in the world suffering that much emotionally. I'll try to make it as brief as possible.

I'm a university student who was born and lives in Beirut, Lebanon. In case you don't know, Lebanon is a country in the middle east. Compared to the countries neighboring it, Lebanon is culturally and socially advanced. Not as much as the European and North American countries, as Homosexuality is illegal here, but it's still practiced and it's not like the authorities give a damn. But I digress.

I'm closeted. I only came out to some of my friends, a handful of them only. With that being said, most people around me kind of doubt my sexuality. I'm not feminine or anything, you probably wouldn't think I'm gay the first time you meet me, but my taste in music, tv shows and movies kinda gives it away, plus, I'm too friendly and befriend a lot of girls so there's that.

I have never dated in my life, and I've had a few opportunities to do so, but the guys that were interested in me just didn't appeal to me. They were merely 2 or 3, and I just didn't feel a connection, so I just didn't even bother.

Sure being single bothered me, and it still does. I feel alone alot. I have tons of friends, I'm academically excellent, and I have a decent family. People like being around me, and most of them expect me to be something big in the not so distant future. On paper, my life is stable and kinda satisfactory, and that was true. Until I fell for the wrong guy.

So, I went to high school with this one guy, we weren't friends really, just classmates. We barely talked and all. When we went to the same university though, we started spending more time together, with our mutual school friends and all. This was about 2 years ago. We formed a solid friendship and enjoyed each other's company.

He's 100% straight. I know that. He is VERY into girls, it takes up 80% of his conversation, and he's kind of a homophobe. He doesn't mind gays but doesn't want to be associated with them. He obviously doesn't know I'm gay.

Throughout these 2 years, we got closer and closer. Our friendship worked. I had NO feelings for him, he was just a great friend. Until this past summer when I finally fell for him, and I just stopped treating him as my friend and kinda treated him as a boyfriend. I get jealous over petty stuff. I fight with him over silly stuff. Stuff like, why didn't you reply to my text quickly or how did you criticize me like that? Stuff that I never fought with him, or any friend, over.

Maybe it's because we spent too much time together, but I just fell for him. I love him so much. And it's not love at first sight kinda thing, I don't believe in that. This love came after friendship. I saw all his flaws and loved them anyways. I wouldn't change a thing. And the thing is, we're opposites. I'm sensitive and I get too attached, he's emotionally detached and casual. I'm only decent-looking, and compared to him I'm so basic cause he's so good looking and attractive. He gets a lot of girls, but he's not ready for commitment so he just has fun, whereas I don't get any guys, but I'm looking for commitment. He's rational and logical but kinda selfish, I'm at times irrational and hot-headed, but I help a lot. He has a sweet heart though, and doesn't hold grudges, and I am that way too.

He really loves me as a friend. We're still close, we still spend so much time together, and he trusts me a lot. But, we fight alot over my expectations of him. We fight over the fact that we fight alot. It's all my fault, and he's running out of patience. I don't blame him. If I had a friend like that, I would've ditched them a long time ago. But he puts up with me cause he knows when it comes to it, I am a good friend and I always have his back, and when we're good, we're great.

So I don't know what to do, we graduate in a year and I'm traveling probably and he is too so it kills me just to think of that. And until then, I don't want to ruin our friendship.

I just get so jealous when he tells me about the girls he's with. I feel like I deserve him more than they do but I'm aware of the fact that he's just not physically capable of loving me that way. I got it. I got that. And I'm not stupid to think oh he could change his sexuality one day. He won't. But I can't like or think of anyone else. He's always there. I think of him 24/7. I just adore him. I wouldn't mind giving my life away if it meant I could spend one day with him as lovers before I die. That's how much I want him. I've never loved anyone that way, not even close. Again, he is very imperfect. But I just don't care. He couldn't do anything that'd make me not feel so strongly. All attempts to save me from him would fail. I'm making an effort to be less of a drama starter, it works for some time, but like the moment he talks about girls or the moment I feel he isn't giving me the attention I deserve, I go back to being irrational and start picking fights.

It doesn't help that in Lebanon, there isn't really a place you can go to meet guys. The few gay pubs are pretty much filled with only fem gays, and though that's very okay and normal, they're just not my type. And I don't find any online forum or site where Lebanese gays can interact. I've searched. If you can find any, please link me. But I didn't find. And when you're gay in Lebanon, you can't just hit on someone and try your luck. If he's straight, which will be the most likely option, he would either punch you or oust you, and I'm not ready to come out yet.

So,

1) How do I get over him?

2) How do I meet new guys, who might help me forget about him?

And please, coming out is not option, either to him or the public. I'm not ready, so please respect that.

I'm hoping this will help me in any way or form cause I've really had enough. I feel like shit all the type and it's pushing people away. I want to be happy again.

---------- Post added 25th Feb 2014 at 06:48 PM ----------

all the time* (last sentence)

 

Re: First type posting after lengthy lurking, if you can't help, just listen to my st

For some reason, the thread title is also "type" instead of time. I'm dumb today.

 

Re: First type posting after lengthy lurking, if you can't help, just listen to my st

I got that part covered, lol. I made him think I'm straight.

But one time when we fought, he told me "this is not normal". And I was kinda caught off guard when he said that. I dunno, maybe he doubts it a bit every now and then, but as long as I don't confirm it, it'll only be in the back of his head.

---------- Post added 25th Feb 2014 at 10:17 PM ----------

And that's the thing, I have a ton of friends. I make new friends all the time, but I would ditch anyone to spend time with him. And like, whatever I try to do, it doesn't distract me from thinking of him. Case in point, I just went for a 2 hour walk, and I was thinking of him from start to finish, I even passed by AUB, my university, and his house on the way back, just hoping I'd bump into him or something. It's become a sickness. When I try to detach myself from him for a few days, it's better for my brains but I just feel so horrible. I once turned my phone off for a few days and I didn't stop thinking of him. Everyone who knows about this tells me that it will pass one day, but I don't think it will. I have NEVER dated anyone, this is the first time I fall in love with a person. I'm someone who's very aware of his feelings and I never felt that way about anyone. They say that first loves last forever and hell, I don't want that. I am really emotionally drained. I will never get attached a guy friend that much anymore. And it's just no fair, you know? When I think about it, it's like, I'm thinking of him 24/7, worrying about everything he does, helping him with literally everything, and I don't think I'm that much of a priority in his life. Family & girls are his priority, then friends, and even then, I'm one of his closest friends, but he doesn't really have one closest friend. He just has half a dozen that he considers his best friends. So yeah I know I went off topic and am ranting but it's just not fair.

 

Re: First type posting after lengthy lurking, if you can't help, just listen to my st

It's sad, isn't it? It sucks to know you're going through the same thing, but a bit comforting to realize that I'm not the only one. This unrequited love is just a different way to bleed.

 

Re: First type posting after lengthy lurking, if you can't help, just listen to my st

That first paragraph is identical to what I do. I get jealous over the dumbest stuff, things I shouldn't even notice.

Before that I was a completely different person. People saw me as a focused, ruthless, who will stop at nothing to create a better future for himself. Now I just feel so weak and it sucks. He knows that I'm in a horrible mood now and he tries to talk me out of it, little does he know that he's the reason behind all that.

I'm just too emotionally attached to even consider liking anyone else. He's everything in my life, and I don't think I'll even stop loving him. I might tuck him away in my memory if distance separated us, but I know for a fact that I will never come close to loving anyone as much as I love him, and that kills me.

 

Re: First type posting after lengthy lurking, if you can't help, just listen to my st

I agree. Sometimes I'm in a good mood, and solitary walks rejuvenate me, but when I'm depressed, which is 95% of the time, they make it worse. And yeah, I just don't think I ever will get over him. I'm getting more and more attached to him. We've all had regular crushes, mine would last a couple of weeks tops, but this like, this is real, you know? When the VERY few people who know I'm gay ask me how I know it's love, I just dunno how to answer them. You just know. I'd be willing to take a bullet for him, if that's not love, I don't know what is.

And trust me, these little distractions only work for a while. I'm a pretty sociable guy so I have a lot of friends, and I hang out with them a lot, and I watch tons of shows/movies. I have different hobbies too, and a part time job. But nothing, absolutely nothing, gets my mind off him.

 

Re: First type posting after lengthy lurking, if you can't help, just listen to my st

Thanks man, appreciate the support.