Hi All, I recently came out to myself, just before Christmas. I'd decided that enough was enough and that I should go out an meet people as I was lonely and miserable and I had to do something about it. I started using ######. Plenty of matches, but 99% came to nothing. There was this one guy who I got a match with just before I went back down south from Scotland for Christmas. He said we should meet up when I get back. He gave me his number and when I got back we exchanged a few text messages and arranged to go out for a drink. On the night of our first date I wasn't really sure how this was going to pan out! It turned out it was a few G&Ts and some really good conversation, rounded off with a handshake! We both had a good time and arranged to meet up again the next week. We ended up talking every day and to date have been out with each other around ten times, talking every day in between. He came round to my place after dinner ~date 5. Basically before you know it we're seeing each other and talking all the time, were both making the effort to see each other even if were both really busy, talking about things we can go and do in the future on dates. I bought him a little book we spoke about once and he really seemed touched I bought it for him. He's a bit younger than I am and has some big exams coming up, which he freely admits he panics about. He's also likely to be moving away in around 6 months, but we've both always known this. Three or four days ago I get a message basically calling the whole thing off, saying he's really busy and needs to focus and that he's not "looking for anything" right now. Seemed to come quite suddenly after a bit of a bad day and a panic about his exams. He didn't seem his usual self and the messages were short and to the point, which again, isn't like him I don't think. He also mentioned that "maybe" things were moving "quite quickly" and that he didn't want to get involved in anything right now as his time here was finite. I really like this guy and would hate to lose him entirely. I've been giving him the space I think he needs. His exam is tomorrow. A bit of non-biased opinion would be appreciated: Should I message him again once he's not so stressed? Is it possible these aren't the real reasons he's calling it off? Should I forget him and move on? I don't want to and this has upset me quite a lot. Has it moved quickly, objectively speaking? If it did I think both of us let it happen that way. I was never proposing anything more serious than dating! Is this a typical occurrence for someone who has just come out and found the first guy they're compatible with ie am I overinvesting emotionally in this? Any replies would be much appreciated! Thank you all for reading!
Hello. Sorry that you have been put through this ordeal. I think he might need a few days to let what has happened between the two of settle and marinate on his brain. I'm not saying end it completely, yet, just allow him to think about it. It seems like it was just cold feet and nervousness since it was his first relationship. This is a very weird time for him, I know from experience. So just let it sit for a few days, then, message him and talk to him about it. See if you guys can come to a common ground, and if he seems too distraught, it's probably time to end it until he's ready. Hoped this helps. You can message me anytime.
Thanks for the response. This was my first relationship but not his, he's just a but younger that's all. I was thinking the same. The waiting is killing me though!
Maybe he didn't expect things to get that far with you and he doesn't know what to do. i think you can write him in a couple days, or when his exams are over if that's soon. and then ask if he still wants to hang out with you or not. like that you can set things right i think it's normal that guys do that. at least comparing guys/girls till now, girls are more likely to set things right instead of just saying bye. btw, how did u find meeting people through ######? i'm not a big supporter of online meeting but i started considering trying it.
Thanks. Whatever's going on, I hope he doesn't just cut me off. I don't think he would, but I'm dreading that he'll never initiate again or he'll remain distant, mainly because I'm worried about him but because I really like him too. As for ######, give it a go! A lot of gay guys use dating apps and online social anyway and have been doing for years!
Whenever I used to meet people it was always with the intention of being friends first with the possibility of something more. I wouldn't entertain any other ideas until after quite a few dates as my first impressions may not be reliable. I was always honest about this and I found it was a good way of protecting myself from getting caught up too soon, but it did put some people off as they were looking for an early sign. Even so, I stuck to my original position and would continue to remain friendly and keep to my promise. With some guys it worked and a relationship blossomed, in other cases we remained just friends. However, there were guys who simply didn't respond to e-mails, texts or calls after a few dates. I didn't give in straight away, but if several attempts failed I accepted it as part of the dating game and moved on. Sometimes that was difficult, especially if I did like the other guy, but I was very clear about my intentions from the outset and could be comfortable with myself that I'd done nothing wrong. For the time being I would maintain contact and be friendly. Wish him luck with the exams, ask how the exams went and be clear that you'd like to stay in touch - if only as friends. There's nothing wrong with that! He may come round to the idea of picking up where you left off, but you need to be open minded and accept that it may not happen and move on. When you are meeting people for the first time I think you need to play it a little cool (not cold) and go along with an open mind. So often, people rush into things and invest a lot of emotional energy into a situation that comes to naught. If you set a few rules for yourself, it can help to protect you from getting hurt. ---------- Post added 27th Feb 2014 at 08:28 AM ---------- btw, how did u find meeting people through ######? i'm not a big supporter of online meeting but i started considering trying it.[/QUOTE] Online dating is fine, if you go along with an open mind and set yourself a few groundrules. I met my partner of ten years through the internet, but there were a few before him that didn't work out at all (I accepted that). I'm still friends with some though.
Thanks for that advice. I think I will let him calm down post exam and see how he feels. It may have been a panic induced thing or that might just have been the excuse. The way he had played the whole situation didnt give me the impression that he wanted just a hookup, OR to be friends OR get into something serious. Not sure what he was after at the beginning! Maybe he wasn't either... *sigh*
So, just to update this. I waited a week and messaged him to see how he was. He said he'd just had a change of heart and I didn't misread the situation or do anything wrong. But there must have been a catalyst to this change of heart right? Exchanged a few texts and he suggested meeting for a coffee. I think he feels really bad about how he ended it and wants to apologise but I don't think he wants to get back together... He's suggested meeting next week after I've had a chance to think about whether to see him again or not. Hes very much putting the ball in my court intentionally I think. He says he is acutely aware of how much I opened up to him and that he didn't mean to sound callous or like he doesn't care, because he does. Still pretty upset. Still struggling with my feelings about him.
Back again.... I was doing quite well. Hadn't spoken to him for a few weeks. Still thought about him a fair amount but went on a few dates with other guys. None of them came to anything but it was nice to meet new people. I met them all through ######. When I had just split up with him I was very upset for a good couple of weeks. When he came up on my ###### again (which I guess was inevitable after I deleted it then downloaded it) I swiped right... At that point I would have had him back in a heartbeat if he'd said he wanted to. He didn't ever delete his ###### while he was seeing me. Nothing happened when I did swipe so I assumed he had swiped left and said no. Fine. Consistent with his actions. Three weeks later I get a match with him. WTF!? Now he's sat at the top of my matches, staring at me. I know one shouldn't read too much in to this, but why would you swipe right on someone you had just dumped? To see whether they swiped right too? He didn't send me a message obviously. Is this an attempt to reach out? How would you guys interpret this, if at all!? Perhaps I'm reading too much into it...
You've done well to meet other guys and even though it hasn't come to anything I wouldn't be too disheartened. As for what to do... I'd try to focus on moving forwards, rather than looking backwards. Seems the most positive thing to do.
