First time post here, even though I've been lurking for a very long time, at least a year. Thanks to everyone for all the sharing you've done, for all the honesty, for the kind words, and for the nudges when needed. Thanks a ton to Mystory for his reply to that old Weasley thread. It was like a bucket of cold water getting dumped on me. I needed it. My heart is with everybody going through this straight crush SH**. I'm in it again. For the third time. The sign-seeking is there, and the signs are there. The first time this happened to me, I was consumed FOR YEARS with a consuming dynamic with a "straight" guy. He always had a girl. We were both very masculine. No one knew. But something very real was going on for both of us. He crossed boundaries all the time. I let him. I used to tell myself it was just me, but then think, no it isn't. Finally, one drunken night he just kept repeating that he loved me, over and over and over. He put the moves on me- we drunkenly stumbled to 2nd base that night, and that was it. We talked about it a little, we still talked for awhile, but nothing. He's married; I'm in no man's land. It happened again with someone else. And now again for the third time. I know this guy has serious feelings for me. It's obvious. I care about him a great deal. But I'm fairly certain he WILL NEVER act on them, at least soberly and meaningfully and for more than a night. I just wanted to give myself a push, and all of us in this bullshit a push. We need more, and we need to refocus our energy. I can't take this anymore I feel like I am losing it. I feel lifeless and hopeless, and allowing myself to sit in these toxic stews for so long is why. Mystory was incredibly eloquent about this issue in that old Weasley93 thread, but I would add even if some of these guys do have similar feelings that are beyond friendship, it is key to ACCEPT that some can go their whole lives without acting on them. We are willing. We are sign seeking, and posting, and looking, and fishing. Even if there are explosive moments of reciprocation like I've had, or simmering reciprocation over time, I think it DOES NOT MATTER. At all. I used to think it did. But now I know it doesn't. What matters is if they are willing to LIVE IT. Feeling and choosing to live out those feelings seem so close, but now I think they are two cities a million miles away from each other. Sorry for the length. Thanks for reading. I just needed to get this off my chest.
People still tend to see sexuality as binary, straight or gay, and I feel that once they start noticing those feelings, they can only tell themselves that they cannot be gay so they choose to never act on them. They do not yet understand, even though they may have been told, that sexuality is a spectrum, and a very wide one at that. There is also this ridiculous way of thinking where if a girl is making out with another girl, she's experimenting, but if a guy is making out with another guy, he's gay. There is this massive pressure towards males to not be seen as gay, and we can clearly see this even on this very forum by reading personal stories of many members who did everything they could "not" to be seen as gay. I myself am dealing with a straight crush and good friend, a "straight" crush who'll likely never act out on his actual feelings. He already knows that I like him though (I told him pretty early on), and that just made him seek out my attention even more, but he'll never act beyond a certain line, a line that is greatly wavering continuously. It's truly a shame that people don't have a better grasp of sexuality in general.
Hey Hefiel, hope you're able to feel okay and deal with this dude. That wavering line thing has made me feel crazy and awful in the past. Right on about the massive pressure. I think it does more to us than we know. The one guy who I know had feelings for me had this insane impulse marriage soon after I think he was realizing how he felt about me. The whole marriage seemed like an attempt to prove his straightness to himself and the people around him that he is straight and normal. Really am sick of those terms being synonymous. I have no doubt in my mind that if there was not a shame shit storm around male attractions to the same sex that I could have had long term relationships with at least two of these guys.. Good luck dealing with your confused dude. Do you feel really distracted by him and that wavering line?
Not too much distracted as I'm simply unsure of how to act/react when he does certain things. I try not to push it too far with him in public (because I'm openly going after him with the support of a whole student comity which we are both members of), but haven't really got a chance to be alone with him. This fear of being seen as gay is just so paralyzing to men though, it's seriously annoying. Even more so if, like in your case, he enters in denial so much that he'd take an sudden and extreme position to try and 'purge' the thoughts out of his mind and prove his straightness to himself. It's really a shame that society can't move past those stereotypes and misinformed notions on what being gay means.
hey jazzcourse, I'm really glad that you appreciated my post, and I hope you will eventually move on to someone who is willing to reciprocate fully... I know you deserve someone a hell of a lot better than these men who simply waver, linger and even undermine the extent of your attraction... I have to admit, that sounds incredibly tough and unlucky falling into the same situation three times, especially how painful it is with the first guy getting married and having a girlfriend all the while giving you ambitious signs... he is married now, and it must be shit feeling left behind... I can relate to that feeling. It feels as if they are leaving you behind to continue on with their normal straight life, with their normal straight wife, to have a family of 2.5 children in their blissful suburban domesticity. It is incredibly frustrating, believe me, I understand- the feeling of just being left behind and abandoned almost once they have played around with you on the other boundary. although I take a much more black and white approach towards sexuality, I think you highlighted a very powerful point: these men may have possible feelings, but in comparison with the social stigma and the heteronormative society of ours, they could go the rest of their lives without acting upon them. If you also look at the later in life section, this is true, with some waiting until they are fucking 50-60 years old to act upon them (but even so, i still stand by my point that a straight male can be shockingly flirtatious in his effusions, but still be entirely straight- i think another member made a point about it: the dynamic of a straight friend- and a gay friend is complex, for some odd reason the straight friend may act a tad more flirtatious, and even more protective/amorous of the gay friend- they start to identify them as females to an extent- that or I just think it's a massive ego boost knowing that someone is attracted to you)- although to be fair, most of these later in life posters had known that they were gay since a younger age, and accepted it internally- but suppressed it externally. again, my support and well wishes to you, I know it must be incredibly tough and painful... I just feel awful that you've had to go through this three times, and I hope you realise that you are worth more than this. You are worth much more. You deserve someone who won't place you secondary (or the side dish) as he puts his gf or some other girl first in consequence, someone who is able to reciprocate, and someone who is willing to reciprocate in the here and now. You don't deserve waiting for some BS straight guy who will make you wait for years and years as he goes from one girl to another. You are worth more than that.
Thanks Mystory for such kind words. Really appreciate it I felt like when I posted this I was having a wave of anger for all of us in these situations. I really relate to what you said about the sense of being abandoned- I often have this feeling like I am sitting on the sidelines of life, while everyone else gets to play the game, I am trapped off to the side with this ache and longing. I think I'm trying harder to accept my role in it, and be less passive. While feelings are out of our immediate control, I passively let myself waste away in these dynamics when I should have forced a resolution somehow by confronting the guy or simply phasing out contact. I even did that once. I did confront the first guy, he said NO I have absolutely no feelings for you. That was months before he literally lost it and came on to me very aggressively. Which he subsequently blamed on me. Man that did not feel good. I think the last thought I'm having is that, as sad as it sounds, I couldn't resist these situations because these love crumbs were all that were there for me at the time. Look at the threads that blow up on here- we all want the happy ending, when the straight guy turns out to reciprocate. I have read those stories hoping, just maybe this time it will be different. Even now, when I see the guy I love now it is so great- we have such a great time together, and he emphasizes this constantly and compulsively, like he can't believe how awesome we are together. But then he focuses on his gf, and I wait and count the days until we hang out next. It make me feel pathetic. But I feel like its so hard to give up what we have, because I have nothing else to turn to. I have other friends, but nothing compares to the energy him and I have together. It's all about worth, like you said. I have to find a way to get the courage to move on. Thanks again for the thoughts...
