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Girlfriend /fiance for 4 years recently admitting she is a lesbian

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Clayrebel, Feb 28, 2014.

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  1. Clayrebel

    Clayrebel
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    Hi guys,

    First off, I'm a straight male and I hope I will not be kicked off this forum for admitting this.
    I've joined hoping to find support and possible answers to my situation.
    This past valentine's day, my girlfriend now fiance of 4 years came out to the fact that she is a lesbian.
    This came as a huge shock to me.
    To make the long story short, she admitted to feeling that all men are monsters, (although she claims I'man eexception) and this is the reason why she chose to be lesbian.
    To me, this was bizarre because I thoughtvbeing gay or lesbian was not a choice. Please correctme if I'm wrong.
    Second, we've had sex like a normal couple make love. Would this mean sheis bisexual?

    Well, to sum it up, she said she is opening up to me now since she doesn't want me to be hurt down the road and she wanted to come clean. (whatever that means).
    I'm just totally confused at this point.
    Can someone she'd some light?

    Please feel free to ask any and all questions.

    Thank you in advance,


    Tesh
     
    #1 Clayrebel, Feb 28, 2014
  2. softsprite

    softsprite
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    First of all, no need to apologize for posting on here! There are quite a few straight people here and they are welcome. Your girlfriend might be bisexual, she might be a lesbian, and she might just be going through a really rough time at the moment. Most lesbians don't think men are monsters...something about her phrasing makes me think she could possibly be reacting to something deeper than just sexual orientation. The fact that she notes you as an exception means that she trusts you, so hopefully she can be open with you about where these feelings are coming from. Of course if she really is a lesbian, the timing of her revelation makes sense. Engagement can be a big trigger for an abrupt need to come out. BUT that would be true for a lesbian OR a bisexual...especially if she's never been with a girl before, it may be that she's scared to commit to monogamy while she's just exploring her bisexuality for the first time. Either way, I'm so sorry you're suffering and I hope you two can talk it out. If she really is gay, you must be an awesome friend to her or she wouldn't have stuck around as long as she did...I guess that's one positive in this painful situation.
     
    #2 softsprite, Feb 28, 2014
  3. Clayrebel

    Clayrebel
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    Hi softsprite,

    Thank you so much for the reply.
    Much of what you wrote does make sense.

    One thing I didn't write did stick out in my mind tho.
    She said, "just because I love women does not mean I want to be with a woman. Women are crazy, and I don't want to be a part of that. Men are monsters because they can turn into a screaming dictator. I will forever be alone. I don't want to be with anyone"

    Now, I should mention she grew up without a father figure, and her past boyfriends all broke her heart.
    And I dont think she's ever been with a woman. At least not yet.
    I know she does trust me, and she did tell me I'm the only person who she let inside this deeply. Usually she keeps everyone at a distance. But somehow I managed to slip inside her wall.

    This is all hard because I'm still madly in love with her. And she gets that.
    She admitted she can never fall in love with me and be what I want her to be........
    I know this can be cruel to think But, I have wished I never met her.
    But at the same time, I'm glad she was able to feel comfortable enough to tell me.

    At first, I was selfish and thought she was being cruel by keeping me believe we could have a life together for this long. I thought she was a selfish biatch. But then I realized it must've been a difficult journey for her as well.........
     
    #3 Clayrebel, Feb 28, 2014
  4. FireSmoke

    FireSmoke Guest

    This story is very, very weird. I begin thinking she told you she's lesbian only because of this:

    "just because I love women does not mean I want to be with a woman. Women are crazy, and I don't want to be a part of that. Men are monsters because they can turn into a screaming dictator. I will forever be alone. I don't want to be with anyone"

    Maybe she wants to remove you from her life, properly because she doesn't want to be with anyone?

    You said:

    "I should mention she grew up without a father figure, and her past boyfriends all broke her heart"

    This could be the reason of her will to being alone, but do you love her? If so, why she wants to being alone, if she is loved by you?
     
    #4 FireSmoke, Feb 28, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 28, 2014
  5. LibraryKitten

    LibraryKitten
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    I'm so sorry. I've been in a similar position before, where I was deeply in love with a man who ended up coming out and breaking my heart. It wasn't so much of a shock to me though, since I had wondered before if he might be gay, but the way you describe it you had little to no warning.

    It sounds like she's very confused right now, and you're trying to be understanding and respectful. I think she's lucky to know you, because what you're doing is very big. I hope things work out for her soon. And I hope you meet somebody wonderful who can love you the way you deserve to be loved, if it turns out that she in fact cannot, even if she wants to. If you need to talk about anything, feel free to message me, ok?
     
    #5 LibraryKitten, Feb 28, 2014
  6. resu

    resu
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    Having sex is not the same as sexual attraction/orientation. For most people, they are not exclusively heterosexual or homosexual, and sometimes it's hard for them to find a correct label for what they really feel. It is good that she told you before you got married. I think she realized she would be letting you down if she didn't reveal something so fundamental about herself.
     
    #6 resu, Feb 28, 2014
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