My dad was under the impression that I'd be home all of Spring Break, when in reality, I'm headed home on Tuesday. My train leaves at 8:00 AM on Tuesday, and when he found out I was leaving early, he had a meltdown. My mom looked at him and said, "You see what you're doing right now? This is why he doesn't want to go home." Now my mom in the car on the way home asked me if the reason I didn't want to come home "Was because of your sexuality." I said no, it's because of my dad. But the way she said that line sounded like she'd rehearsed it many times. I know she knows I'm gay, but that's not something I'm going to talk to her about. My dad got out of bed about an hour after we got home and sat on the couch and stared at a wall for about 45 minutes while my mom tried talking to him about non-controversial subjects, like how light the traffic was this morning and he wasn't talking at all. Then he went to bed and sobbed uncontrollably for 5 hours. We invited him to go with us for dinner but he was still blubbering like a child. Then he refused to have ice cream with us and instead spend almost two hours in the shower. This because my mom asked my dad if it's too much to ask to be treated with kindness and respect. My mom then went and tried talking to him, and came out and asked me, "Did you hear any of that?" I didn't. "Good." I don't even want to think of what the next few days holds. I told my mom that this is exactly why I didn't want to go home. I'm not looking forward to the impending family conversation...
Sounds like a rough time for everyone. :/ Hope things hold through and don't end up too poorly for you all. If you don't mind me asking, does your dad have emotional issues, or something of the sort? I can't imagine what a pain it would be to be in your position. It seems just too... childish.
As far as the impending family conversation, I think it would be very reasonable to start off any such conversation by setting reasonable boundaries. You could say something like "I'm willing to have this conversation, but there needs to be mutual respect on everyone's part, and for me that's non-negotiable. So that means we all listen, we don't interrupt one another, and we all speak with respect and avoid shaming or belittling each other. As long as we're all good with that, I'm down for this conversation. But if any of those rules are broken, I'll give one warning, and then I will leave the conversation, because I'm here on a break, not to get further stressed." It's setting a firm and reasonable boundary. If they go for it, then hopefully things work better. If they don't you can simply say "I'm sorry, but I'm just not willing to engage without a commitment to mutual respect. It's not an unreasonable request." And if they still don't go for it... I'd get up and leave. It's kind of harsh, but you will need to do something like that in order to set boundaries, and since you're not a kid anymore, doing so might help them reset themselves into a different mindset on how they interact with you.
He sounds like he has some sort of emotional issues. I think you and your mom should have a talk with him saying that crying like that for 5 hours isn't normal and you're worried about him and think he should get some counseling.
Agreed, the man needs counseling, he's not functioning in anything like a reasonable adult manner, and I say this as an autistic bipolar who has been known to spend 2-3 DAYS in bed staring at the wall crying. He might think you're the cause, but in reality his meltdowns likely have very little to do with you.
My mom admitted that the only reason for me to come back was to talk to my dad about this. It hasn't happened yet but we went to my grandma's house together and the way over we talked hockey. I should have trusted my instincts and I never should have gone home
My father would often fly off the handle for the oddest things, I have tried to have a conversation with set boundaries as Chip suggested. However things broke down eventually and then he wouldn't let me leave even though I said I would. However I guess I really could of. But that's not really the point. Sometimes when working with someone who has a hard time coming to terms with stuff like this it is best to use a mediator like a family counselor. However I understand that is not always a luxury one has at a time like this. So a letter might work. One with a patient, understanding, tone that is still respectful, concise and direct. This might give him an opportunity to come to terms with whats going on and might open the door to a productive conversation. I have done this once successfully with my father however the topic was not that I'm gay. I am still in the closet with my parents, so that is as far as I can give advice for... Wish I could be of more help, and I really wish things get better for you and your family.
My mom informed me today that the two of them are begging me to stay for a couple more days "because they want to talk about my education plan." Not happening. I'll set an alarm clock and just dump my car at the train station (as if it gets towed, it's not in my name, so it's not my problem) and go home. I'm done playing their games.
My mom asked me directly how much I want them in my life. I don't want my dad in it at all and I thought my mom might be able to have a place but it's becoming less and less every day. When my dad found out that I'm not planning on staying another two days, he cried. My mom says that I've basically shoved a knife into their hearts and that damage is already done no matter what. She says it's a good idea to have their support through my "transition into adulthood." Problem is that would involve them knowing things about my private life. Assuming my m hasn't already filled him in, my dad is still clueless about my sexuality, and even though my mom figured it out on her own, I'm still never going to talk to her about that. That said, I'm not sure I can go through with my plan. After seeing the above reaction, my dad so heartbroken, I'm not sure I can do this in good conscience. I have a heart. I do. And it's very heavy over this whole thing. I'm hurting and I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. How could I inflict that much pain on another human being, even if it's the one who has hurt me more times and worse than anyone else? Hell, even my brother asked when I'd be coming home next. One thing that comes to mind is a song by Taylor Swift where she's apologizing up and down to an ex and realizing what she had in them. That she'd go back to December and undo everything. And don't get me wrong, I never thought I'd be saying this after all the planning I've done the last several months. I just didn't realize the real impact it would have on everyone, myself included.
I know you don't want to hear this, but don't push your parents away. I know from this and other threads that you've had your fair share of serious issues with them, but it's obvious they love you even if they don't present that in a good way. Your parents are far from perfect, but they're still your parents and you only get one set of them. As long as there's any trace of love and support there I think it's worth fighting for your relationship. With that said, it's completely reasonable to set your own terms on what's required to maintain that relationship. Your mom flat out asked you how much you want them to be in your life -- tell her. Tell her that you'd love to have a great relationship with them, but that there are some things that have to change if they want to make that happen. Be clear about what you want from them and put the ball in their court. They may have to give you more freedom than you'd like or have to accept some decisions that they don't agree with, but if they're serious about keeping you in their lives then they will learn how to deal with it. I know you've said your mom is not okay with your sexuality, but from your original post it looks like she was trying to at least be civil about it. She may come around more with time or she may not, but it sounds like she's at least at the point where potentially losing you is more important to her than who you're attracted to. Maybe it really is something she had to rehearse a bunch of times to say to you, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. As much as it shouldn't be this way, it's not easy for some people to adapt to the fact that their kid is gay. The fact that she's making an effort should count for something, even if it's not enough in your book.
OK, this isn't an easy thing to parse out, but basically, your parents have no boundaries and are very codependent (the two go hand-in-hand.) They're using guilt and manipulation to get what they want. Your dad needs mental health help. That isn't going to change or be improved by your staying there two more days. The important thing to understand is you are not inflicting the pain on him; he is doing that to himself. Healthy adults and healthy families have reasonable boundaries, and one of those boundaries is that adult children (which you are) get to decide where they spend their time. If you want to continue with your plan, you can write them a note that says, in effect, "I care about you, but I also need to set clear boundaries, and that's something that's difficult between us. As I said, I am leaving to go back to school, because I have things I need to do. I understand you care, and I care too, but in order for our relationship to be healthy, I need to set these boundaries, and I need for you to honor them." You could also go on to encourage your dad to get therapy; he desperately, desperately needs it. But one of the most difficult things when you're working with people who are extremely codependent is to be able to detach and let them be. They'll pull every heartstring you have, and they'll make you feel like a terrible, awful, horrible person for not doing what they want... but the problem is, when you give in, all it does is reinforce to them that the lack of boundaries is OK and that their manipulation works. It's a difficult call. I can't tell you exactly what to do, but I can say that setting healthy boundaries and enforcing them isn't cruel, unfeeling, or harming anyone. It's establishing a newer and healthier relationship between you and your parents.
Chip's advice is excellent, especially the part about it not being your fault. You have a life to live, and that's nothing to feel guilty about. Your father's behavior is not normal, and I think that's really important to know. You can't treat him and the things he says like most people can treat their parents' advice, because he has issues and is not acting like a reasonable human being. I'm not trying to be mean, I just know from firsthand experience that it's hard to accept that your own father's mind isn't entirely sound. No matter what he or your mother tells you, nothing that they say, do, or feel is your fault. They are the parents. You are the child. Don't let them put the blame on you. By the way, I know I'm a lot younger than you, but I have some idea of what you are feeling. I spent last year watching my father commit a very slow, agonizing suicide until he finally died in November. He blamed me for his illness and his unhappiness, and I believed him. That's why I keep saying to not believe your father. One major difference between the two situations, however, is that you are a legal adult that is fully capable of getting the hell out, which you are doing. That's good. It's much better for you in the long run. Sorry this got so long, your thread just really hit home for me.
So last night the three of us sat down and had a conversation, and I made sure to tell my dad exactly that: he has an anger problem and he needs to get help. I felt horrible about the whole thing, and yeah, I think that's what they wanted. But how can anyone look at a reaction like that and not feel bad? But after I explained to him what was going on, his response was that I've never seen anyone with a real anger problem and told me that I'm way oversensitive. He's not violent, but you don't have to throw things or hit people in order to have an anger problem. He doesn't know how to express his anger in a healthy way, but he does express it in less unhealthy ways than other people with anger issues do. He made an excuse for his behavior in that he hates his job and talked about what goes on at work for about a half hour, and rolled up his pantleg and showed me that because of the stress from his job that he's lost all his hair on his legs. He also said that he thinks every day at work causes him to lose one day off his lifespan. He thinks that the instant he retires and tells his boss to go fuck himself and that he can take this job and shove it, he'll go back to being the man my mom married. That's not how it works, is it? I've worked a job I hated before, but I never went home and took it out on everybody. And he gave me a speech about how if he were to go take another job somewhere else that he'd be making 1/3 of what he makes now and he sticks it out so he can put his two sons through college. That I understand. But the biggest argument they made is the only one that made sense: Do I really want to take out $120,000 in student loans? That's what most people borrow for a mortgage. But that's another manipulation trick: come home and get a job over the summer or take on all this debt by myself. That's a tough call. But they're saying that "I need a break from school" and the likes and so I need to just come home because summer courses are the same amount of work in half the time. I told them that we'd (well not "we" but I. Informing them of my sexuality would have been like throwing a match at gunpowder at this point) been looking into transferring someplace warm. And I said that through my research, I'd found a couple schools that even out-of-state tuition was comparable to what we paid for a year of undergrad at in-state rates here. My dad said pessimistically that I may as well be at the University of New Mexico being in Kalamazoo now. I'm only two hours away by car, that's a lot different from being in Albuquerque, a 4 hour flight away. I said goodbye to my dad this morning as I headed out the door to go to the train station. He said in a childish voice, "You're not staying?" and I heard him crying as I walked out the door. I felt like I was tearing my own heart out as well as theirs. There are two things that really almost made my blood boil. One was when he said that he'd done nothing wrong and that I'm just oversensitive, and the other was when I told him that he's condescending and disrespectful. He said that when I ask him a question and he gives me a condescending answer, that's because he knows "how brilliant I am" and that I'm at least equal to him, and so I deserve that kind of an answer. So he's all high and mighty and better than me and everyone else? PFFT! Somebody has delusions of grandeur. My mom says he had no idea how I felt until this, and now he's going to make an effort to make it better. Based on his performance last night, I highly doubt it. My mom had to drag him upstairs to get him off the computer, and he didn't even sit down for the conversation. He just stood behind me and behind the couch the entire time, and my mom had to be the moderator, which she didn't enjoy at all. I'm sitting on the train as I'm writing this, and it took me almost the entire ride to get my thoughts out about this. I'm conflicted and torn, and now that the cat's out of the bag, there's no easy way to deal with this. I had the element of surprise on my side, and now it's gone. But like the decision regarding my major if I have to change it, whatever I do I need to be able to sleep at night. That's the main goal. I guess I need to re-write my letter and explain boundaries to them. The trouble is that I don't want them to know anything about my life and yet I'm still willing to give them another chance. It's paradoxical, and yes, my orientation is the biggest part of it. One other person said that if there is a relationship, that it's got to come out at some point, that I don't have to tell them how often or what positions, just that I'm in a relationship and that we love each other. I think we all know just how hard that can be. So once I get off this Amtrak train and get home and can be alone for a few hours, I'm going to fall into bed and cry. I haven't been able to do that in so long, and these last few days there's nothing I've wanted to do more. My boyfriend doesn't get back until Saturday, and I really think that a few days to myself is going to be a good thing for me so I can get these emotions out and have a clear head going forward as I have some very tough decisions to make.
