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Best friend is in love with me and I'm not making things easier

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Confuzzled16, Mar 2, 2014.

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  1. Confuzzled16

    Confuzzled16
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    Buckle your self up for a huge story folks, this is going to take a while.

    I've been best friends with this guy from our first day of secondary school of year 7. He was really funny and is extremely clever, being practically the cleverest in our school. In year 9 I asked him to come over to my house to sleep and he was looking forward to it. So he gets here, we play games watch films for a while then head off to the land of dreams. He sleeps in my best as I have a double bed and I was fine with that.

    Suddenly and through complete urge I pull him closer to me and we spoon. As the minutes pass, we slowly move to so we're both on our backs. Through urge again I pull his hand over to my crotch, then I move my hand to his and we perform mutual masturbation.

    The next morning I felt it was really awkward. I was really angry at him for doing something like that. I try to distance myself from him and he gets annoyed and says he is hurt. We talk about it over face book a few days later and he asks for us to go back to how it was, and pretend like nothing happened which I was fine with because I still wanted to be his friend. Things go back to how they were for a while.

    In year 10 our school was doing a trip to New York City. Fortunately 3 of my friends were going with me, including my best friend as mentioned above. We get there, and its 2 to a room, the bed been a bunk bed. The first night I share a room with one of my other friends because I thought something like what happened last time would happen again. Then on the second night, I ask the other guy my friend was sharing with to move into my room, and I can move into my friends room. He doesn't mind and I go on the bottom bunk, with my best friend on the top bunk.

    Once again, this urge just passes over me and I ask him if he could jump down and get my phone off of the table across the room. He seemed agitated that I couldn't get it myself, but he gets it anyway. When he goes to pass the phone, I grab his wrist and pull him on top of my. We lay there for 10 minutes just in our boxers, then one thing leads to another and the same thing happens as before.

    The next morning its super awkward. I was angry again at myself and wished I had never done it. I try to avoid talking to him, but as we were in the elevator going to meet with the others I tell him "forget about last night, it didn't mean anything".
    The rest of that day, he stayed away from me. He didn't really have anyone to go around with that day in New York, because all his friends are my friends as well, and he walked by himself. I stole glimpses of him every now and again, walking with his head down around museums and on the streets but apart from that we don't really talk.

    Unfortunately I can't move rooms so I have to share again. I say good night, he mumbles and we both go to sleep. The next morning the tension in the air seemed to have passed, and we were still friends but the memories still got to me every now and then. The last day comes and it is time to leave New York.

    Exactly a week after we return, he pops up to me on Facebook and tells me he is gay. I was shocked and he said I was the first person he told. I told him not to worry and that nothing would change. He seemed happy about that but he said he still hated himself.

    After a few months he comes out to another friend, who happens to be my best friend now. I kind of distanced myself from him after that, and got a new best friend. He's cool with it also, and tells him he has known he was gay since he was 9.

    I hear he comes out to more and more people who are close to him and I was kind of happy for him. Then one night, he pops up again and tells me something thats being killing his insides and hurting him for years. He tells me he is madly in love with me, and that he hates himself for it. He told me he came close to suicide over it and I was close to tears by then. I reassure him, but tell him the feeling isn't mutual and he says its fine, but I knew he was just shot. I then had a conversation with him about the nights before. We were in the mood to share after that and I asked him if what I did made me gay or bi. I honestly thought he'd jump to the opportunity to say "YES YOU ARE" to make me even more confused that what I already was. But he just said "Dude, only you can know that. It's a difficult journey of finding yourself but I can't answer that for you, only you can." and I was honestly shocked and appreciated it.

    By this time I was quite confused about it all. He was gay, and I thought I wasn't and I still think I am, but I realized it was me who always started these gay experiences.
    After realising this I get angry at him. I distance myself from him and pick faults with him when ever I can. He gets really upset and says that he hates me for it, and I hate him. I tell my best friend how selfish he is, how I didn't want to go to a party with him at the time as he was the only person I knew going and just how angry I was at him, been indirect and not mentioning my experience. He tells me it will all blow over and it'll pass. So I go to the party and try to talk to him. He is reluctant at first but then me and him really hit it off again and we're just like we were.

    Its year 11 now, and the night of Christmas Eve Eve. Him, and my best friend sleep over at my house after I invite them both and we play fight and play on my new Xbox One. Then it's time to go to sleep. I sleep in the middle of the double bed, my best friend on the left and him on the right. He keeps on talking and asking stupid questions so I reach over and put my hand over his mouth. I keep it there for a good 10 minutes, then I just stick my index finger in his mouth and he starts to suck. I grab his thumb and make a wanking movement with it. Then I move closer to the edge of the bed and pull down my pants and he gives me a blow job, and I have to admit it was amazing.

    The next day we wake up and its Christmas eve and I speak to him and my best friend as I normally would and try not to show I am annoyed but inside I was fuming. I let it happen AGAIN :bang: and he popped up to my telling me he was sorry, and how heart broken he gets when stuff like this happen. He blamed it all on himself I felt like a complete dick. I hated myself for letting it happen, and got really pissed off at the idea I liked a guy sucking me off.

    Me and him really do our best to forget like nothing happened, but its difficult now that he is COMPLETELY out and open at our school. Everyone knows, and everyone loves it for some reason. After about a month of him been out... I don't know why but I start to flirt with him, making up dumb stories of what we could do, and how kind he is and joking to him how fit I am with him saying "Tell me about it :wink:". I do this like once every two weeks and I don't know why I do it. He always tells me how good looking I am, and how lucky the girl who gets with my is going to be and it's just nice to hear that I suppose, but I know it must be really confusing for him, but I do it anyways.

    What I am basically asking is am I bi???? It's really confusing and I don't make the situation any better with my gay best friend by making him do all this stuff, especially if I am the one starting it all off. I always tell him how sexy girls are and stuff and he just looks disappointed when I say it. Another thing I am asking is what should I do? I think I am straight but from what you and I have read just now, I am seriously questioning that.

    Please help, I am so confused and angry at myself and him.
     
    #1 Confuzzled16, Mar 2, 2014
  2. setnyx

    setnyx
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    you mention girls but no experiences with them, no mention of a girlfriend. also has this happened with any other guy/s? don't need ANY details,TMI already. all in all i totally agree with your friend only you can figure that out. you're lucky to have an honest friend. empty closets is a great sounding board to work things for yourself but no one can tell you who you are, even here.
     
    #2 setnyx, Mar 2, 2014
  3. Confuzzled16

    Confuzzled16
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    I've liked two girls in the past, but haven't made a move on them. I have never kissed a girl, had a relationship or done anything physical apart from with him.
     
    #3 Confuzzled16, Mar 2, 2014
  4. mbanema

    mbanema
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    It's possible that you're bi or it's possible you were just horny -- definitely not out of the question if you're 16. I think most people can enjoy sexual acts being performed on them regardless of who the other person is, but sexual and romantic attraction is a different thing. Is it having him touch/blow you that turns you on or does the thought of reciprocating those actions appeal to you as well? Could you see yourself falling in love with him or kissing him? To me those were the two biggest barriers to admitting I wasn't straight because for quite a while I had no interest in that at all.

    Regardless of how you label your own sexual orientation, you need to stop lashing out at your friend. If you're not comfortable with the thought of being anything but straight, it's not fair to keep leading him on, making advances, and then flipping out afterwards if you feel guilty. You know he's gay and that he's attracted to you -- don't take advantage of that if you don't feel the same way or at the very least talk things through and make it clear that any interest you have is purely physical. I know it's easier said than done in a moment of passion or excitement, but you can't keep yo-yoing him around like that or he's going to really get hurt.
     
    #4 mbanema, Mar 2, 2014
  5. uniqueusername3

    uniqueusername3 Guest

    I'm going to say it how I see it - you're treating this guy really badly, but I think you know that. You've come onto this website and been honest about things and all credit to you for that.

    So;

    The fact that you've initiated sexual contact with this guy on several occasions probably means that you're not entirely straight. But your friend is right - ultimately only you can figure out your own sexuality, and even then, it is in your gift whether to tell the world about it or not. Labels tend to confuse things, rather than make them easier when you're trying to work it all out. If you have feelings for a guy / guys, then just not wanting to be 'gay' won't make those feelings go away.

    The best thing to do, IMO, is to try and forget all the labels and just think about;

    1. When you're having your special 'alone time' - who do you actually fantasize about?
    2. When you initiated the sexual contact with your friend, did you just do it because you liked the attention? Would you have done it with anyone else if they were there instead? Would you have prefered it if it was a girl?
    3. Who turns your head? You know, when you're walking down the street etc, who is it that your brain is wanting to look at?

    I'd guess many of your other friends have girlfriends, are experiencing love, having fulfilling relationships etc. You are allowed to have that too - and if it is that you're wired to only be able to experience that with a guy, then stop caring what the rest of the world thinks and go for it. Let yourself go, and enjoy life. The problems will sort themselves out.

    Stick around EC. Read the stories, and see if you can relate to what other people are going through. Oh, and talk to your friend some more. He sounds like a nice guy.

    Good luck.
     
    #5 uniqueusername3, Mar 3, 2014
  6. dapulu

    dapulu
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    Hello! And welcome to EC :slight_smile:

    First of all, let me start by mentioning something about sexuality. It's definition and standard isn't written by stone. There are different theories about it. Some theories express that sexuality can be divided in what we emotionally want, and what we are capable of, in terms of sex function. Some others state that sexuality is fluid and can change with time. Some believe it's in our genetics and that it can't be changed. Some say it develops as we grow and after our 20's we can finally know. All of them have it's own pro's and cons, but as I mentioned, none of them is 99.999% confirmed.

    I'm going to take uniqueusername3 approach here, although different, and give you a number of questions that may help you in understand yourself better, because as you may have heard, only you can tell what you truly like. I'm not gonna say "what you are", because personally I had a few changes in my romantic and sexual interests as I grew up, so I don't believe sexuality to be set-in-stone until adulthood because as you grow you solidify your beliefs and get to know yourself better, what you like, want, and feel. So don't try to define everything right now. It takes time. And it may change too.

    I divide the next questions in sexual and emotional parts, because in my case, I could only get aroused by guys but I had only been in love with girls, so I was confused as fuck. Please try to think about the question and not the consequences or social stigma that it may have, so you can have a better view of yourself. Now, take a deep breath, calm down, and answer:

    Sexual Thoughts
    -¿Can you get aroused (erect/a boner) by thinking of girls?
    -¿Can you get aroused by thinking of guys? Take into account that it can be only one guy, and the answer is yes if one guy can arouse you.
    -¿When you masturbate do you fantasize about girls?
    -¿When you masturbate do you fantasize about guys?
    -¿Have you ever thought of having sex with a girl?
    -¿Have you ever thought of having sex with a guy?
    Emotional Thoughts
    Have you ever...
    ...had a crush on a girl?
    ...had a crush on a guy? A bromance is included
    ...felt that you wanted to kiss a girl?
    ...felt that you wanted to kiss a guy?
    ...fell in love with a girl?
    ...fell in love with a guy?
    ...thought about having a girl partner? Or girlfriend
    ...thought about having a boy partner? Or boyfriend

    The questions I just made are to help you identify a little bit of what your penis and heart tell you. Because sometimes we just don't want to see what we feel, both emotionally and physically. It happens to all of us, including straight people. And unless we don't try and think about it, we don't take notice.

    Since you're still developing, it's probable that you still haven't thought about it that deep. But it's a huge help if you answer these question from the get-go or think about them along the way. Who knows, maybe some answers may change over time as it did for me.

    If you want a classification or a label, there's a very famous "test" that puts you in what is called the Kinsey scale. The scale was designed after a theory generated from a lot of research that states that people ain't black or white all the time (heterosexual or homosexual 100%) on their thoughts, feelings and behaviors, there are shades of gray in between even if they say otherwise, so they made a scale to categorize that. The main researchers of this theory also found that the feelings, thoughts and behavior towards each sex was not always continuous with time for some people, and that experiences, social contract, and other factors affected sexual behavior. There are very few tests that are reliable, but give it a try and google Kinsey scale test if you want. Just take a lot of them if you're going to give it a try hahaha. Remember that the test itself does not really define you. Personally I divide the sexual and the romantic areas and then label each one, hence the "Biromantic homosexual" (I can love both sexes but only really enjoy sex with men).

    Keeping up, I don't understand what you mean by saying "what do I do?" Do you mean with your friend? If that's the case then apply the same questions I just made but insert your friends name instead of the "girl/guy" part. REMEMBER to ignore whatever thoughts about consequences or implications your answer may have.

    Sexually, have you ever feel aroused by him? Does he make you horny? Do you fantasize about him? Do you want to lick him? Do you want to make him yours? Sorry...I get carried away easily hahaha. Then let's talk about the emotional part... Do you feel affection towards him? Do you want to take care of him? Do you feel the urge to kiss him sometimes? How do you feel when you're around him? Happy? Do you feel butterflies inside when you see him? Do you think maybe you have a crush on him?

    Try and understand why is it that you keep acting and doing those actions with him. Maybe you just find him sexually attractive, maybe it's something more.

    I believe there's a lot more I can input here, but time doesn't wait and I need to go :eusa_doh: Truly think about what you feel and like right now. No family, friends, society or anything. Just you and yourself.

    Keep us updated. And best of wishes. Hope this helps
    :slight_smile:
     
    #6 dapulu, Mar 4, 2014
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