I've been having issues with a friend for awhile and am wondering if this scenario is common at all. I suppose this friend can be labeled as my "hag". We've known each other for about 4 years now and it seems that our friendship is becoming harmful. When we first became friends, I was still in the closet and she had helped me through that whole process and we would have great, hysterical times together. Now, it seems, to me at least, that she has taken things a bit too far. We've had our fights here and there and moved past them, but it's starting to be a vicious cycle. We've been roommates for about 6 months now and I feel like she's expecting too much from me. She doesn't have a car or the ability to drive due to a DUI, she's been unemployed for 2 months, and her friend circle has dwindled. I'm trying to help her, but I work, go to school, and have my own life to get together too. She gets about $2,000 a month from student loans, but chooses to go shopping for clothes, a TV, and other things she doesn't need (a $700 cat...) instead of finishing up paying her DUI fines and getting her license back. She uses my car and gas and expects me to drive her everywhere and I definitely feel like I'm being taken advantage of. Furthermore, she's verbally and emotionally abusive on a daily basis. I think that our cute, little gay-boy-straight-girl friendship has taken a negative turn as she has become extremely possessive. I'm confronted about how I'm never home or that we "haven't gone out in so long" because I'm at work or school or that I "would rather go to the gym than hang out". I'm not even able to hang out with my other friends without her throwing a tantrum and making me feel guilty. I've heard of situations where straight girls try to fill a void within themselves by having a "gay boyfriend". She hasn't seriously dated anyone in a long time and I feel like she may be channeling a lot of that energy towards me. I can be her best friend, but I can't play the role of her boyfriend. She's constantly crawling into my bed and trying to cuddle and spoon me, which on occasion is friendly and fine, but I'm talking like almost everyday, even when I tell her to stop. She says I need to be a better friend, that her old girlfriends would do all these things that I don't. Sure, I'm gay, but I still have the biological brain of a male. I feel like this turn in our friendship is harmful because it doesn't allow either of us to actually grow or develop, rather it just intensifies this odd dependence on one another. I guess what I'm really getting at and wondering is if anyone else out there has had this experience where one of your straight friends has tried to use you as a projection to fill some sort of need they have. Has your fag-hag relationship ever become toxic?
People change. It's extremely irresponsible and also possibly depressive behaviour. Either way she has to try and sort her problems out. You can't help someone that won't even try to help themselves. People vary on how they define personal space. If it's making you feel uneasy... that's highly disrespectful. Don't let her convince you that it's okay. If she can't accept that, well, hell, you've already said she's abusive. It's awesome that you can see right through her. You're right, she's had you playing 'boyfriend' to her. Selfish. Older guys crush on me and I'm glad I've never lived with them. Ideally she moves out and gets another roommate or you move. It might come down to that if she can't handle a disagreement like an adult. A serious talk is required and deadlines set. You've got a bloody life to live and this is getting in the way. That's not a good foundation for a friendship at all. I don't mind helping friends out sometimes. Persistent dependence is absolutely out of the question though. Does she even help you out sometimes? I'm not saying you need to keep exact points but you need to be mindful of your own needs. Would it kill her to take the bus? If she argues money... tell her she needs to learn to manage her own taxes. You're not a charity. If she says it takes too much time... then she needs to learn time management. No personal experience of your exact situation. I felt angry at her behaviour and had to say something.
