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Should I tell my coworker?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by HotPotNightOwl, Mar 5, 2014.

  1. HotPotNightOwl

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    Let me preface this by saying this will be a relatively long story, but I'll try to just highlight the main points. So please feel free to read on if you are bored :slight_smile:

    I'm usually a logical guy, but when it comes to things like this I turn into a huge mess. I should mention that I am not sure if he is gay or not, but just need advice on whether I should let him know I like him (let's call him M). This is where it started:

    I, along with 3 of my coworkers, were invited to dinner with our company's president. It's a Japanese company, so if you know anything about Japanese companies, it's that you are expected to drink a lot. Of course we all drank a lot. And stupidly, we all decided to go to a bar afterwards. At that point I was still fine, but I am sure M was already out of his mind. One of my coworkers made a bet with the rest of us, seeing who could pick up a girl the first. I moved over to the bar, and ordered some drinks. M comes over shortly after, and asks if I was gay. He qualified that question by saying that another coworker has been wondering. I told him yes, and he asked if I had a boyfriend. When I said no, he became surprised and saying how "hot" I was. We decided to leave the bar, with him dragging me by my hand. We ended up at my place, and this is where it gets a little fuzzy for me. I remember him on top of me, and doing "something." I guess I fell asleep, and he left around 2am, back to his apartment.

    The next morning I invited him out for lunch, as he had forgotten his jacket at my place. He apologized for "making a pass" at me the previous night like it wasn't really a big deal. We hung out the entire day, and I gave him a tour of my former campus. Every time we got something to eat, he always wanted to pay for me. After he left, I texted him, thanking him for hanging out. He replied, saying that I was awesome and he really liked hanging out.

    A week later, I asked him to hang out with some drinks to watch the game. We did some bar hopping, and eventually went back to his place. We talked a bit, watched some videos, and he eventually came over to sit on the same couch as me. I was getting a little sleepy, and he grabbed my legs and put them on his lap. When I took them off later, he grabbed them again and put them on his lap. He kind of had his hand over my shins, and was grabbing my shoe. Later, when I was leaning over, my hair was apparently in my eyes. Twice, he brushed my bangs to the side for me.

    I should qualify this entire story by saying he always talks about how he likes girls, and what type of girls he like. Also, he is probably the nicest guy I've met, so everything I talked about could just be attributed to that.

    There's more that happened, but I feel like those were the main points. He knows I'm gay, but I am wondering if I should ask him. If anything, just so I can let this crush go if he is straight.

    Thanks for reading my novel!

    What do you think?
     
  2. Kreiger

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    He definitely sounds not straight judging by his interest in you, but he could easily be bi. It sounds like he wants a relationship, but its your call if asking him something like that might scare him off. Its fair game though to ask him, since he did ask you.
     
  3. HotPotNightOwl

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    The only problem is he never really speaks to me at work. But then again, he is a semi-workaholic and I try to concentrate at work as well - not really the appropriate environment to work out personal issues. Or maybe I am just making excuses to see what I want to see.

    My straight friends also encourage me to talk to him about it, but I just need to find that courage to. But I guess I'll never know if I don't at least ask in a gentle way.
     
  4. GayDadStr8Marig

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    Just take your time right now to see how your friendship develops. He already know you're gay and obviously it does not bother him, so even if he is not interested in exploring a relationship you have someone who could be a very good, close friend for a very long time. Those are rare friends to find and should be held onto the best you possibly can.

    Whatever his orientation is, even he probably doesn't know for sure yet. I seems like he is at least open to the possibility since "something" happened after the night at the bar. But also keep in mind a label doesn't really mean all that much to you as an individual or to him as an individual; it's only useful in a societal context since it makes people feel better to be able to put each other into buckets. In fact for him it could get in the way of accepting the chance of a relationship with you if he has to label himself as gay or bi for that to happen.
     
  5. resu

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    I like sweet stories like this. It makes me feel very sentimental.

    I don't think an average straight guy would go to all this trouble of showing both physical and romantic affection for you. I agree that he sounds at least bisexual. But, he could be in denial. So, you might try to politely call him out and ask if he likes guys too (it doesn't have to mean he's lying about liking girls). Try also going on a bona fide date with him, so he knows that you want something more.
     
  6. HotPotNightOwl

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    Thank you all for the responses! I tried telling the story as unbiased as I could, and it is reassuring that I am not just overanalyzing things (maybe still a little, though). He obviously notices me, as I was late to work this morning and he texts, asking if I am alright (I'm in the part of the country that got a lot of snow recently).

    At this point, I agree with both GayDadStr8Marig and resu: a part of me would like to become really good friends with him without saying anything; the other part of me just wants to burst out and tell him how I feel. It's funny because I thought people became more patient when they grew older. I remember in high school I could crush on someone for years. But now, maybe since I've been through it so many times, I just want to get the agonizing portion out of the way.

    Right now, I think I still have enough strength to keep my mouth shut and just enjoy his company. If I ever do talk to him about it (he tends to bring my gayness up sometimes), I probably won't directly ask if he likes guys. I might just say something like "I've kind of grown to like you. I was wondering if you liked me too." And then explain that I will respect his space if he doesn't. That's all I can really do, right?

    I'll keep people updated if anything happens. Hopefully it'll turn out to be a story that shows people there can be a happy ending. Or maybe it'll be a story with another good lesson learned. Either way, I hope to grow from this relationship.
     
  7. King

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    You could subtlety indicate your feelings for him, and see what his response is based on your behaviour. If he seems happy by your remarks then maybe he will be open to having a relationship with you.
     
  8. HotPotNightOwl

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    I think I may be walking a fine line between being friendly and annoying. I don't see much of him at work, and I am usually the one who texts him to start a conversation later on. I try my hardest not to text him too much. And I don't want to ask him out every weekend, less I overwhelm him. But I agree, I will be friends with him when I can, and hint I may like him.
     
  9. King

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    You could ask him a few times to see you, of course if he is always 'busy' then maybe he is not interested. If he does agree to see you, for example at a bar or coffee shop, then you can subtlety indicate your feelings.
     
  10. HotPotNightOwl

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    I guess I need some quick advice:

    Tomorrow morning I'll be taking him to the airport. He is traveling cross country to visit his family for a week or so.

    He has given me enough this past week to make me think there might be a chance.

    My question is, should I let him know how I feel during the car ride? I don't want him to feel trapped and awkward if things turn out bad. But at the same time I feel like my emotions are about to burst out and I just want to get it out in the open.

    I don't want to be impulsive. At the same time I have this weird feeling of needing to let him know before he leaves.
     
  11. GayDadStr8Marig

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    Maybe start off just saying you'll miss talking to him while he's gone. See how he responds to that. It's a rather non-threatening opening. If he suggests you call or text while he's home with family then maybe there is something a bit more than strictly friendship there. And if he say's he'll miss talking to you too, even better. And since you're taking him to the airport, you can offer to help him get the luggage into the terminal instead of dumping him at the curb. Or even if you do the curbside drop, how about a bro-hug that's a tad more, and wish him a safe trip and you'll look forward to seeing him when he gets back.
     
  12. HotPotNightOwl

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    Last week he already told me that he's sad he couldn't leave a bit later so we could hang out this weekend. But I guess if you were to give me advice, it would to be not say anything explicitly at this time?
     
  13. HotPotNightOwl

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    Well I ended up telling him how I felt. He said he was sorry, and that it would make it difficult to be friends. He gave me the choice of whether or not I wanted to continue being friends, but he said he wanted to try. He told me he understands that being in the "friendzone" would be difficult, and that I could get my feelings hurt; but he still wants me to make a decision.

    Like GayDadStr8Marig said in a previous post: though he doesn't like me, he is still a rare kind of friend to find. Of course I am devastated, and of course it will take time for me to heal, but I've remained friends with crushes I've had before. With him, however, it feels like it would be much more difficult. But maybe that's just initially. It would seem like such a shame to let such a great friendship dissolve because of something I feel.

    How do you guys feel like I should handle this situation? He wants to try, and I think I should at least try as well.
     
  14. GayDadStr8Marig

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    Good friends are hard to find in life; don't walk away from him just because he cannot return the same feelings to you that you have for him. Be aware of your boundaries and be respectful of his feelings. Most importantly treat him the same as you did before so he knows that you're ok with him the same as you always have been. If he pulls back some, give him space. Don't force anything. It could be temporary until he's comfortable being with you the way you were before, now knowing that you have feelings for him. It could be permanent, but that does not mean the two of you can't still have a very special kind of friendship.

    Last two things:
    1) be honest with him always, if your feelings are making this painful for you he needs to know so the two of you can talk about it... yes it could create more separation between you, but even a great friendship can be unhealthy if you're in emotional pain because of wanting more than it can be;

    2) listen to him, hear what he is saying not what you hope to hear from him... if in doubt about something he said, don't assume anything and talk about it instead-- this will avoid unintentional situations where either of you think the other is opening or closing a door in your relationship when that is not the intent. Communicate and be true to yourself, then this will work itself out as it should.

    (*hug*)
     
  15. HotPotNightOwl

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    I thought I would give an update on the situation, if not just to have somewhere to talk about this. It's been about two months since I told my friend that I was into him. During these two months, I've tried really hard to remain his friend, and I think I did a pretty good job.

    Last Wednesday, for some reason, we started cuddling and making out all night; to the point where we were both horribly sleep-deprived at work the next morning. Since then, we've spent the night at each other's place, doing the same thing. This morning, I asked him what we were: whether we were just friends who did more than normal friends, or if we were boyfriends. He told me he wanted to be exclusive boyfriends, and that made me really happy.

    It's so cool when I am with him. I feel like I can be 100% myself. And I think a big reason is we talk about everything. If one of us is feeling down or upset at the other, we immediately bring it up and talk through it instead of bottling it up. And in the mornings when we wake up, we often talk about our deepest insecurities. Then they no longer seem like such a big deal anymore. I feel extremely lucky and grateful, but at the same time horribly scared, and there are two main reasons:

    1.) I am not exactly sure how to describe the feeling. Ever since we started getting together, my feelings toward him seem to have waned a bit. I thought that I would be on cloud 9 at this point, but it feels like I like him less than before we got together. It's not that I don't like him - I like him a bunch - but it's just not what I expected. Are these lessened feelings normal when you start dating someone? Or am I just still "in shock" at this new chapter of our relationship? Maybe I'm just more content now? I still get butterflies when we go out, though.

    2.) We both have know since February that I would be moving across the country (literally) for school come August. I asked what him this morning what would happen to us when that time comes; and he replied that he'd want to try a long-distance relationship. He is planning on finding a new job sometime next year as well, and half-jokingly said he would try to find one near me in Cali. This is my first relationship, and being together for only a couple of months before transitioning to a long-distance relationship makes me somewhat uncomfortable. Not because of trust issues, but simply because I think I'd miss him quite a bit. Do you guys think this is the best way to go?

    I guess I just wanted to give an update. And hopefully someone else can relate to this story. Thanks everyone for all the advice, and future advice as well!
     
  16. resu

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    I'm happy things have turned out well. Don't worry about losing the infatuation you had; real love is about little things rather than co-dependence. I think the only long-distance relationships that can last are ones like yours, where there has been enough close contact to create a real connection (and eventual reunion).