I'm 27, 5 year realationship... I'm worried I might have to end it...

First, this is just my opinion. Plenty of people will probably disagree with me.

A lot of people today will constantly encourage you to "negotiate" relationships, and take it to such extremes as including sex in that. Thing is, if we didn't care about sexual activities, we wouldn't bother coming out or even discussing anything LGBTQ+. The fact is, it does matter.

So you have to ask yourself the very serious question: do you want more from this relationship than your partner is willing to give? In this case, you are wanting to be more intimate, and your partner doesn't want to be because of their asexuality. I think you need to be honest with yourself: is this working for you? Do you feel like you want more from this relationship?

If you do, then you need to talk to your partner. The longer you wait, the more this thought will grow in your mind. Honesty is important in any positive relationship, and your partner deserves to know how you feel. So talk about your feelings with your partner. If your girlfriend is refusing to budge on this issue, and deep down you want more, then you face two simple options: end it, or adapt to it and find safe alternatives.

Personally, sexual activity is a major component in a relationship for me, so I would have a tough time dealing with such a scenario, and I would be honest with my partner over such a situation. As harsh as it sounds, I would rather end it if I knew neither of us would change our position on the issue - in the long run, it would mean that feelings are less hurt and we can both move on with our lives to find partners that we are mutually satisfied with.

Whatever decision you come to, I wish you the best

 

Dnt leave her please. What if there is no sex in life sacrifice and give her love she wants may be your companionship. if you allows you may start seeing someone else.

ask her if she dosent have any problem with that ...

keep me posted and dnt worry

 

if you are loyal then dnt leave her live with her and try may be she agree for sex too , have you ever tried to talk openly ?

---------- Post added 6th Mar 2014 at 01:40 PM ----------

i mean have you ever kissed her hugs and stuff like that and had she shown any intrests ?

 

Hey I agree it's a tough situation. The main problem as you know is that you want/need something from the relationship that she can't give you.

I personally don't think the relationship will work long term for either of you. You will end up sexually frustrated to the point where you can't cope and will either break up or search for it elsewhere or you will end up resenting her. For her she may end up feeling pressured to give you something she doesn't want or feel able to.

I know right now it might seem the worst thing in the world to do but surely you both deserve to be completely happy rather than compromising.
I'm not saying that you never have to compromise in relationships but I think there is a difference between compromising and making do.

 

I'm sorry that you don't have a lot of support. Hopefully, you're finding some on EC. It sounds like you love your gf, but a life time without a sexual relationship is a lot to ask. My wife and I used to have a pretty good sex life. But now, and for the last several years, she's had a very low sex drive while mine has stayed about the same. I find it challenging and sexually frustrating. I love her very much and won't leave her over sex. Don't know if sharing my experiences helps you or not. Good luck.

 

A couple of thoughts of possible compromises - don't know if they'll work.

First, do you masturbate? Maybe starting to masturbate or masturbating more often could help to relieve your frustration.

Second, asexuality makes sex not attractive, but doesn't make sex repugnant. Those are two separate things. You can desire sex and still find it repugnant (for example many sexual abuse survivors are like this) or you can have no desire but not really mind doing it. This is important because asexuality cannot be changed, but being repulsed by sex can change. If your partner is willing to examine why she is repulsed by sex, she may be able to desensitize herself to the point where she could have sex with you. Now, it's important to negotiate this carefully, because you do not want to pressure her into it, but there are some asexual people who have sex as a nice thing to do for their partner, in exchange for their partner doing nice things for them in return.

Third, is it sex in general she finds repulsive, or just certain acts? Maybe you two could negotiate doing the sexual acts that don't bother her and not the ones that do.

 

With the sex and making out, or lack of it. How does it make her feel? Does she just not not desire it or does it make her feel uncomfortable or dirty?

 

SO deny the wholly natural need for sex?
I think that this is being left out,
And not studied,
The Original Poster has EVERY right to end this relationship,
They're obviously not sexually compatible.

I would say that you should end it,
Or compromise,
Just as you compromise by having no sex,
She could meet you more half way.

 

If she "flat out doesn't desire it" why does she usually sez things like "I'm not good enough to fill your needs."

Could some baby steps towards greater intimacy help you move forward?

 

Allyssa, I'm sorry you are facing such a difficult decision. You've invested a lot of time, effort and emotional energy into your relationship and given it a second chance. To do this demonstrates a deep commitment and whole lot of love and I can only begin to imagine how you must be feeling right now as you face up to very serious and seemingly insurmountable problem.

I have a few questions, if you can consider them and come back to us:

You told us that the thought of sex is horrible "in her mind" and she flat out doesn't desire it. Do you know if she has ever had a sexual experience with another person... has she ever spoken about this? I do understand that some people are simply not inclined towards sex, and with you saying it's horrible "in her mind", this seems more likely, but, could it be that some past experience has built up a really negative perception of something that can actually be wonderful - especially with a loving and committed partner.

It's clear that you have a really deep connection and lot of love for the other person and you yearn to take the things to another level. It is possible though to have very deep feelings of love and affection for our friends (maybe even a best friend). I hope this doesn't sound like I'm questioning what you've shared over the last 5-6 years, but do you actually feel as though things have graduated beyond friendship?

Finally, you told us that you are now "beyond sexually frustrated". I think this highlights the chasm that exists between you on this issue. How much longer can you maintain things before one, or both of you gets hurt? I don't mean you will go and cheat, but I'm guessing you are quite tense right now and these feelings can develop and spill over into hostility and resentment, potentially damaging everything that you've ever had.

If you were talking about a relationship with a lack of sex, I think I'd be telling you to persevere (quality rather than quantity) but when there is no sex at all and your wants/needs are so divergent, you really do need to ask yourself some very serious questions about the future.

Not an easy decision for you, but I hope the process of considering and answering some of these questions may bring you to the right decision.

 

I have a daughter who's asexual and not only does she have no sexual desire, but she finds the idea of sex to be repugnant. She has already decided that she will never marry and when she is ready for children she will adopt. I think this is a healthy outlook to have considering most people are not willing or able to have a no-sex relationship unless they themselves are asexual.

Here is my opinion on your girlfriend, and sorry in advance if it seems harsh:

She is selfish.

She doesn't want you to break up with her and find someone to love who is willing to fulfill your sexual needs because she's afraid of being alone and unable to find someone else to accept her, but she's not willing to sacrifice her physical comfort to provide you with what you need in the relationship.

If I was her I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who I knew desired sex in the first place unless I was willing to provide sex for them, because that is unfair to my partner.

I think you both would be better off finding people to love that you are more compatible with. And she should be completely up front about her asexuality in the future with people she develops romantic feelings for.

 

I agree. She hasn't even tried to meet you half way. I have been married for 6 years and we separated a few months ago. We're good friends but those are different kinds of love. This is my stop. Spk l8r

 

You two are best friends. You love each other but you both want different things. You both deserve happiness but you won't find it together. The person who makes the comprises and sacrifices, which is you right now, will later down the line harbour some resentment to this woman because you never had the fulfilling relationship you crave, and that would be worse.
Do what is best for you.