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Putting a relationahip on the back burner...

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by dd1, Mar 6, 2014.

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  1. dd1

    dd1
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    this is what was suggested to me last night, what she wants, that until I fix myself she can't be truly into this, thinks it is going to be difficult to fix us without fixing me first.

    But I don't know that that is the right step for me, I need something to believe in at the moment and to be throwing myself full force into everything, I feel like that if we out things on hold, they will never get better, that it's more a all or nothing situation. I really liked her and at times there was definitely moments I thought that this could be forever, but recently things haven't been right, and much as I hate to admit it it is because I have been in moods and found that hard to admit and therefore hard to start fixing, but I'm trying really hard now. I also think that it's not really very fair to make somebody wait, if I can't give her what she needs anymore surely it is better to end in a friendly manner then drag things out until they become even more awkward and we don't want to be around each other.

    I want to make this work, and I want to fix it at the same time as fixing me, do you think this can happen? What are your thoughts on putting relationships on the back burner??

    Thanks
     
    #1 dd1, Mar 6, 2014
  2. allyssa

    allyssa
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    How long have you been together?

    I was in a relationship for 4 years and we "broke up" but got back together in 1/2 year. It was really hard... still hard... (you can read more on my own post) But personally when I wasn't with her for the 1/2 year... it sucked. We acted like nothing happed around our friends (they didn't know we were even going out) We both just kept the pain in and it killed us more then being together.

    I think it depends on how deep your relationship is with her. Why are you not feeling in the mood to be with her? Is there something you want to do that might spark the flame again? Just wondering.
     
    #2 allyssa, Mar 6, 2014
  3. Chip

    Chip
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    ok, this is something you probably don't want to hear, but it's really important.

    If you're going to embark on any sort of personal growth/change/etc., the motives why you are doing it are really important. You need to be changing because you want to change, not because anyone else wants you to.

    I've had a number of friends who were in a relationship that wasn't working, because of issues one or both of them had... and invariably, when one or another of them tries to change for the purpose of making a relationship work, it pretty much is never successful. Self-growth happens because you aren't happy with where you are... not because someone else says that a relationship isn't working.

    So if you're going into this, and your heart isn't truly 100% into it, for your own reasons, and not to make someone else happy, then I'd suggest your energy should go first on what you want (other than for the relationship to work) and not on the relationship itself, if that makes sense.

    Additionally, any sort of meaningful self-growth takes months or years, and, as you said, it's neither reasonable nor particularly healthy for the other person to wait around (even, in most cases, when they want to) in part because that puts pressure on you that tends to get in the way of your doing the kind of work you want and need to do. So yes, ending things on a friendly note is likely the best choice.

    I've found that taking that time to focus on yourself, and putting relationships on the back burner, is an excellent idea, because it takes the pressure off of trying to be someone you're not, or becoming someone that a partner wants you to be, and gives you the chance to really explore being you.
     
    #3 Chip, Mar 6, 2014
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