I'm a 21 year old female, I live away from home, work in an okay, albeit dull, job and take care of all my own bills etc, so none of that to worry about. I don't know what I am, gay, bisexual or even straight are all on the cards at the moment. With that said, I am with this girl. She's beautiful. Kind. Caring. I've been with her about 6 months now, maybe 7, but something's missing. Something isn't right and I don't know what to do. On paper, she's everything I would want but in reality it's not working for me. She's a couple years younger than me and still lives with family, who she depends on heavily, she has some issues with anxiety and PTSD, both of which I have had and have overcome in my life and so are not really an issue for me. I'm not amazed by her, (like I have been with other partners) or (being brutally honest here) all that interested in the things she says. She likes to watch TV and read thrillers, both of which are fine, but I like to go to lectures, to write and to read literary fiction. I try to talk to her about what I did my degree in, astrophysics, but she has no interest in science so to speak. We don't really have sex. Not all that much anyhow. We never had that mad rushing to the bedroom part of the relationship. We'll spend the week together and nothing will even have a hint of happening the whole time. Not once since we got together has she initiated sex. When we do have sex we both enjoy it. I thought it might be that we don't spend enough time together. (I work unsociable hours 5 days a week and don't have a fixed schedule as to which days. I might work 10 days in a row one week and only two the next week.) She works three days a week but spends the time she's not working at home with her family. So I took us on a weekend break. But nothing changed. Sure, we saw some nice things and enjoyed each other's company but it still felt odd. We fucked once the whole time but I was so torn up about it all that when it was my turn I couldn't get aroused and just had to tell her to give up. I don't know what to do. She's really afraid of people leaving her and gets anxious even to think about it. She does have a good network of friends and, as I said, she's really close to her family so I hope she'd cope alright. I don't think she'd see it coming though. As far as I know she's happy where we are. From my side, this is the first 'proper' relationship that I've been in with a girl. The others have lasted only a month or so. I think she's at least a few levels ahead of me in the attractiveness scale and, as I said, she's a really caring person. I feel like I'm at the age where I need to have serious relationships and I don't know that this is it. I'm 90% sure it's not. But then what do I do? I don't have friends. (No really, I don't.) What with my work and the hours they want me I don't have any social opportunities and I can't go to events regularly as each week my schedule is different. I'm in a new city (moved a month ago) and I don't know anyone. I know this was long and thank you if you read it all. I just really need some advice. I literally have no one to talk to. L.
Well you have a few options. Unless you are sure perhaps it might be worth talking to her about your concerns etc and see if you can improve the things that are bugging you. However if you have kind of decided she is not what you want, and it is ok if that is the case. It doesn't make you or her a horrible person. She can be really nice but just not for you, and not loving her doesn't make you horrible either. If you have decided it's not going to work then despite the fact it's really hard it's best to just be honest with her and tell her, even if you think it will upset her. My advice would be not to stay with her just because you think she will get upset and you don't have any friends. You can and will make new friends. Everyone deserves to be happy.
Do something your future self will thank you for. It sounds like you already know what to do and oddly enough I can relate to your situation perfectly. If there is no future there why waste your time just because. Don't settle for a relationship that you're going to look back on and have regrets or hold out for it to all magically turn around. If anything you've gotten to know her well in the last 6-7 months. You sound like an intelligent, rational human being. It can grow incredibly frustrating trying to relate to someone who might not be on your level emotionally or in terms of the kind of relationship you want. This can in turn breed resentment. As for the friends thing look at being in this new city as an opportunity, a blank slate if you will. Find things you like to do and a place to do them. Join a club, volunteer whatever sort of thing you are into on your off days. Go slowly though, just be open and try out a few things here and there. Also you can google some support groups in your area or hangout spots. Just talk to people, strike up a convo and be open, some might be accepting others might not prepare for that don't let the negativity get to you. Keep the positive ones around.
