Recently I ended a very long term relationship and started seeing a much younger girl who identifies herself as straight. Most of my life, I've only really dated straight women. This new girl and I have been dating under a year and things are smooth most parts but I believe I create a lot of the issues because I have a lot of insecurities and paranoia growing within me. As we spend more time together, these insecurities are starting to grow bigger and bigger and sometimes I feel totally consumed by it. She has been very upfront about not being comfortable about being with another woman and is concerned that she may never be. She has not told any of her really close friends which doesn't make sense because how can they then be considered "close"? I have not pushed her because I am also worried that putting too much pressure will also drive her away. However all these in turn make me feel more and more insecure and make me question why she is with me or what she wants with me. Of late I've been feeling so scared to the point that I feel like for the sake of avoiding potential heartbreak (which I think is inevitable) I feel that I should end it? I really like her and I can see that the more time I spend with her, the more I like her. And I secretly hope and wish we could work out but I know also that it is highly unlikely. Should I force myself to end it even though we seem to be pretty good right now or should I take a wait and see approach?
How did you even manage to START dating a 'straight' girl, especially one who is "very upfront about not being comfortable about being with another woman".
Feelings just started to develop between us over time, and then one thing led to another and we decided to start dating. She has tossed around the idea in her head if she might be bisexual but she feels that she is quite sure that she still identifies herself as straight and I am the only woman she will be with and is with me for my personality and not gender
I'm going to assume then, that this means any physical relationship is out. Which presumably is going to bother one or both of you? I have to make a couple of assumptions here so forgive me if they aren't 100% accurate! On your part, you have a romantic and a physical attraction. On her part, it appears to me primarily (but apparently not exclusively) romantic. You seem to have 2 options. You could work and work and work and hope to hell that her romantic attraction becomes physical, and the straight girl becomes bisexual. OR you can determine the common link between the pair of you. Specifically that you apparently like each other enough to be great friends. It sucks to lose some of the romantic side, but there's no reason (in theory) you should lose all of it!
There is a physical relationship in existence right now. We are in an actual couple relationship where there is sex and commitment. And to clarify, I think she enjoys it all. But she is battling her own identity right now and my fear is that she will not be able to come out of it. And this spells future heartbreak for me. My insecurities are mounting as my feelings for her increase...
Aaaah! That's different then. That being the case, has she spoken to you about WHY she is uncomfortable being anything other than straight>?
To summarise, this is what she says - She has always dated men, never been attracted to women, always been attracted to men and therefore identifies herself as straight. So being with another woman now is confusing to her. - She is not comfortable being labeled as Lesbian and being out to her friends as dating another woman. - She has always had intentions to get married to a man and have children. As I'm typing this, I'm also feeling really confused. What does she want with me? Am I an experiment? Where could this lead to? She has been very upfront about her doubts and this makes me feel like the relationship is doomed from the start. So then should I not waste my time? Or should I be patient and let her slowly get more comfortable with the idea? What if she never?
She seems scared. By the sounds of things, for her, she basically thought she knew who she was and then all of a sudden WHAM. You came along and now she doesn't know what is happening. I mean, unlike most people she didn't have (as far as I know) that period of doubt and eventual acceptance of an altered orientation. As far as she can tell, she IS straight and here is you proving that can't be quite right. Having said that, you know, you have feelings too! Have you ever asked her those questions? What DOES she want with you and is that realistic? IS it going to go anywhere? I mean you can be patient and wait-and-see, but actually, she has no reason to come to terms with things other than eventually somebody might find out. It sucks to have to ask someone where a relationship is going, but actually, you have a right to know, because honestly, if she truly wants to convince herself that she really is completely straight AND still wants to date you, that is going to break your heart SO many times.
HER CONFUSION, that is going to be your best ENEMY. Until she came out of her CONFUSION, she is not going to be totally out with any of her friends, or will NOT ACCEPT the REALITY that you CAN POSSIBLY work it out eventually, and your relationship will all be in KEPT in the DARK and it will ALL be a BIG SECRET. Now, if you are willing to undergo such PAIN and AGONY, and of course ALL BECAUSE YOU LOVE HER, then go for it. Some RELATIONSHIPS are worth it, and we are not going to know unless we take the RISK. So plunge in and enjoy the ride while it last. Who knew it could all work out, right? In any means, we wish you LUCK and hope ALL the BEST for you.
@elliaotaku Yes for sure she is scared. She has all her reservations but yet she is going through the motions of what seems like moving towards a longer term relationship. Yes we do speak about the future sometimes but it's always hypothetical and then it becomes a very stressful subject for which she pulls back and then says she should just take it day by day. Perhaps if I was in my 20s I would also just go with the flow because I have time to, but I feel I don't have the luxury of time. I feel like if I keep asking her where this is all going, it's pressurising @Rosepetal I'm 39 and she is 25 @deejay Thank you, you've hit the nail on the head. The fact that she is undergoing this relationship with me in secret makes me wonder about her intentions. Is she embarrassed? And this increases my anxiety and my insecurities about us
thats a huge age difference nd im 20 lol but i dont think u should date her bc shes obviusly looking for sex with women nothing else. im 20 nd im not looking for settling down
It is pressuring, but that is one of the things about a relationship with an age gap, you HAVE to be able to keep up with each other and be happy about that. Because as you say, if you are sitting there thinking "I'm 39, and actually I'm ready to settle down", realistically how long are you prepared to wait for her to get to that point? As for the fact that it's secret. Your girlfriend still views herself as straight with an exception so she has to get over that TOO. Meanwhile you are left feeling bad because of all these things, but also because you feel like you're putting her under too much pressure - but if you weren't nothing will happen!
I agree with ElliaOtaku. In anyway, I think the situation CONFUSES her more and more, especially with the age gap, maybe that's what scares her the most. At her age, it could possibly be that she is still under experimental stage and maybe curious with what your relationship has to offer. But, like I said, who knows? Not all people are the same, there are younger people who are more mature thinking than us. However, I believe only you can tell what her intentions maybe. And believe it or not, sometimes it's better not to decipher all the things that's been happening because we are just going to miss a lot of things we need to enjoy. It's better to chill, relax and a little bit mindful maybe. In any means, PEEPS, I'll be needing your support as well, I am really in a bad shape and is trying to get out of a suffocating relationship that I can't let go but I had to, but I will not tell it here, because this is all about you. I'll be needing a lot of help, so please bear with me. But, like I told you it's always better to enjoy the moment while it lasts. It's better to have love and be loved even you've lost it, than to keep wondering what could and might have been. Cheers for us!!!
