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Friend Doesn't Want Me to Come Out (sort of)

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by toffee96, Mar 9, 2014.

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  1. toffee96

    toffee96
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    Hey all, quick question here.

    This past December I took a big step and told obe if my friends I was gay. He's the first person to know other than my parents.

    One problem, though: when I told him a few weeks later that I might come out to some of one of our other friends, he asked me not to tell him (the friend I was going to tell) that I had already told him (the friend I came out to). Since then I have not came put to anybody else, as I want to be as honest as possible throughout this process. My questions about this are as follows:

    1) What should I do about this? Igmore his request and just say he knows? I don't think that'd be right. Come out to new people but dont tell them that someone already knows? I also don't like this, as I don't want a friend to think they were first when they werent. So now I'm waiting, hoping he'll change his tune.

    2) Why do you think he'd ask this of me? Granted I presented him the option as a question (ie I asked if it was ok I told other people he knew) but he immediately made up his mind. Is he just nervous/awkward? Is he afraid people will assume he's gay too? Could it be that he actually IS gay/bi?

    Thanks for the help in advance.

    PS Not sure if this matters but he is Indian, so there may be some sort of cultural thing going on as well.
     
    #1 toffee96, Mar 9, 2014
  2. SwimScotty

    SwimScotty
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    If he's Indian, sexual topics can be kind of taboo, and he might not feel comfortable talking about it with other people or allowing other people to know that he talked about it with you. You can just tell people that "I've told a few other people," but don't tell them who. That way you're not lying to them and you're keeping his secret.

    There are several reasons he might not want people to know that he knows. He might think that people will start to suspect him of being gay. He might be afraid of other people's reactions if they find out you told him before them (I know it sounds dumb, but it's possible).

    I don't know his reasoning, but I'd say that if you want to come out to other people, go ahead and tell them that someone else knows, but don't mention a name.
     
    #2 SwimScotty, Mar 9, 2014
  3. Robin j

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    hi....
    i personally think it has nothin' to do with him being Indian or something...
    the reason might be that he thinks that ppl will assume him being with u in sort of a relationship or somthing...
    u told him in the first place might look to other ppl that you both are very close together, because u know u first come out to ppl u r close with.....
    and after knowing about u he might not want to be that close friend.....
    other ppl might ask him that y did he din't tell them bout u...... it might be a question about his honesty towards other friends.....
     
    #3 Robin j, Mar 9, 2014
  4. resu

    resu
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    I think for Indians (my parents are from India), and children of immigrants from homophobic countries, there is often an unspoken "don't ask, don't tell" policy. There is a huge pressure to get married (to the opposite gender) and have kids, and so being gay is a rejection of this "fate".

    It is possible he's gay/bi, but he could also be straight and just afraid that people will think he's gay because you're his friend. I know it's irrational, but a lot of straight guys who are insecure in their masculinity are nervous about even rumors of being weak.

    It's best if you continue coming out because it's really hard to be semi-closeted for long without getting stressed about who knows and who doesn't know. You don't need to tell others that you told him first. Ultimately, you will know how good a friend is by how they treat you after you come out. Who can really be a friend if they want to treat something that is a fundamental part of you as invisible?
     
    #4 resu, Mar 9, 2014
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