My mom and I don't (as I've written a number of times on here) have the best relationship. I'm not even sure if I can identify a clear moment when we began kind of falling apart, to be honest. I don't know how to approach her as an equal, if that makes sense. She doesn't support me or what I want to do with my life. She's lashed out and I honestly resent her for not coming around to listen to my side of the story. Sure, I've done some pretty stupid things. Won't deny that. It was probably wrong of me, for one, to go off and vent about her to friends and online. But she keeps holding every mistake against me. I don't really enjoy spending time with her. Used to. And I honestly miss it when we were close, because she had a wicked sense of humor and was a generally decent person to be around. But now, it's like she'll just find a reason to criticize or find something wrong with me. She'll talk down to me, criticize and lash out for feeling or believing something different than she does. And I'm tired of having to just be her yes-man. My dad's been gone for about five months. She keeps saying it herself- "This'll bring us closer together". Hasn't. I just feel more, I guess alienated from the rest of the family. Can't properly grieve and it feels like my grief's less important than hers. Is saving the relationship possible or should I give up?
Of course it's possible, it's just a question of whether it's actually worth doing. You want to approach your mum as an equal. She is coming at you from above (superiority). So where do you think you need to come from? (Hint: equal means the same!) That's right! Come at her from above. Have you ever observed what happens when a child misbehaves for no reason? If the adult is doing their job properly, they won't shout, they will ask that child to explain their behaviour. "Why did you pull your sisters hair?" I don't know why. "Was it a good idea?" No. "Why not?" Because I'm in trouble... This is your job now. If she talks down at you, ask her why. Why are you talking to me like that. You mum is now that child, and you are the adult. She won't like it, but it will (eventually) make her think. Also, if it helps, you say it was stupid or wrong to go off and vent about her to friends, but I assure you parents vent to everyone they know about how shitty their kids are. ANYONE WHO WILL LISTEN. Don't feel bad about that.
I'll give it a shot. But somehow, I can't help but feel it'll backfire. "Why are you talking down to me?" "I can't trust that you're a responsible adult, you did this so I have to, and etc" Like last night, I'd forgotten to wash all the dishes. Fell asleep. She comes up, bitches about how "oh your brother did a load of dishes- you left pans in both sinks" I tell her "I'm really sorry, look I'll go take care of that." mother: "No. Forget about it. How the hell do you expect me to respect your lifestyle choices when you can't do something as simple as dishes?" I mean, sure. Maybe I was in the wrong but I can't see how she's ever 'respected my lifestyle choices' and frankly, what's my motivation for doing shit for her if she can't even do something as simple as let me wear the right clothes and a binder? I do at least two loads of dishes a day, since no one does it while I'm at school (and only rarely, if so).
" "No. Forget about it. How the hell do you expect me to respect your lifestyle choices when you can't do something as simple as dishes?"" I won't lie, the response I have in my head is going to make your mum MAD AS HELL. I am an expert in making mothers mad as hell as it happens. My mum said basically the same thing to me at one point, to which I responded. The dishes will be done when I am ready to do them. I, as an adult, do not have a problem with leaving dishes in the sink for an hour or so and washing them when I have finished the things I actually need and want to do. The job will be done. You say you would respect my life if I can do these jobs for you and prove I am an adult. But that isn't true, is it? You don't just want the job 'done'. If you did, then I could do it right now and there would be no argument. In reality you want to see that you still have some control over me. You want me to do this job right now, because the more specific you can be, the more control you feel you have. I will do the dishes, but I will do them in my time. My mum blew her stack when I told her that, but she did eventually accept the truth behind it. I'm not necessarily suggesting that you should do that. I just want to point out that basically your mum is getting used to the idea that she is gradually losing more and more control over you and eventually you will reach the point where you realise you don't actually have to listen to her at all if you don't want to. Ask anyone who has ever moved out what happened when they came home to visit. I bet almost all of them will tell you it was like being a teenager again. All of a sudden "I'm an adult living on my own" became "You're my child and you'll do as I say". power is hard to give up.
It's possible to repair the relationship, but only if both you and your mom are committed to making that happen. You can't do it by yourself - she contributes at least 50% to the relationship herself.
