Using a relationship as a crutch to coming out

Hi guys,

I am looking for maybe some thoughts/advice on this and if anyone else has experience in this.

I had my first boyfriend last year, and we went out for about 5 months. I had had a big crush on him and so I was very pleased when we started going out - however over the course of the five months I grew increasingly unhappy and felt increasing levels of general stress and anxiety - until it reached the point where I ended it, hoping that would resolve my anxiety and stress. However - the stress and anxiety remained.

To add some context - I am still in a large way in the closet. Looking back I think that I was using the relationship almost as a crutch to help me come out. In such a way that instead of coming out to friends by saying "I am gay" I would come out to them instead by saying "I have a boyfriend" or something like that. And as the relationship continued I felt an increasing pressure to come out (not due to my boyfriend applying any pressure) - and so eventually came out to my siblings in the same way, by saying "I am going out with X" instead of saying to them "I am gay and I am going out with X".

But it is not just the round about way that I used the relationship to come out to people, it is also the fact that, for instance, after coming out to my siblings we still haven't spoken about it since my admission a few months ago. Now this isn't because of them - they are 100% fine with it, but because of me - because I am clearly still quite uncomfortable with being gay, despite having had a boyfriend.

I guess I was hoping that by being in a relationship with a guy I liked, it would speed things along and finally help me get out of the closet. But in a way the relationship has taken me backwards rather than forwards. If anything I am more stressed and anxious now than I was before the relationship.

Does anyone have any experience or thoughts on this?