HELP!!! I am madly inlove with my bestfriend!

part 1
Please HELP ME!!! ''Bestfriend''
Posted 11th Mar 2014 at 04:25 PM by amoramigo
Hello everyone...I am new here and I am seeking for some help regarding my situation. I have a best friend and I fell inlove with him..he doesnt know i am gay or perhaps he knows but chose not to confront me..I had previous relationships with girls before but none with same sex but i must admit i had numerous encounters with same species..
I have this bestfriend and hes straight but I can smell and sense that the real him is hidden deeply inside the closet. Truth is I had him sussed the first time i laid my eyes on him..but I am confused he is too masculine outside and tells me he loves girls and fantacizes having sex with women. He still is a virgin, he is a religious man, young hes only 25, intelligent the only child and his very close to his family and realtives since they live in the same compund... Like me he also had relationships with girls and now I heard hes been dating girls but he aint lucky enough cause till now hes single...sad thing is we are no longer friends now and it pains me...he deleted me in every contact even on face book...
I am sorry if this article would be carzy lengthy because i wanted you guys to fully understand my situation..i need your help please?
Ok heres tha thing before he ended up our friendship we were like this:
*always hanging out together, talking emo talks, happy days joking, with bottles of beer

---------- Post added 13th Mar 2014 at 11:08 PM ----------

part2
*before he left for korea to take up his Masters degree he became even more clingy he doesnt care and doent want to hang out with our other friends just me and well drink all night long...and hes got a girlfriend that time but according to him its kinda stale because his gf is frigid...his gf is also a friend of mine by the way..

*so he left for korea..i thought i would be free atlast...ive been concelaing ang repressing my feelings for him since the time we met.

*things did not changes i became more engrossed to him..we would talk chat everyday on facebook..exchange emails while at work and see each other on skype at night after he finished talking to his girlfriend

* he would call me very often (overseas call) i mean he would call just to check on me nonsense things that would make his phone bills rise up to the ceiling he would check why i jog at night alone, who am i with, and often time hed call me to tell me to go home early during my day off so we can talk on skype...he became clingy and very demanding i hated it but at the same time i loved the attention hes been giving to me..

* he would also tell me that i look good and that my asset are my dimples and i have a beautiful almond shape eyes...he told me had he had those features girls would ran after him...hes very mushy and not all people know that hes got that character...

*he would also tell me that he misses his family backhome , his gf and the person he is talking to who is me...

---------- Post added 13th Mar 2014 at 11:08 PM ----------

part3
*he would also ( idunno if its flirting) I am from the philippine and i dunno if yould define it the same way as i would...he would ask me..''hey would you like to see my chest? i wont reply then he would repaet it several times as if hes waiting fr me to say yes but i did not so wat he did he strippes infront of me and showed his chest and he knows i like his chest and he also told me that he likes my round butt

*one time he told me im gonna show you something..he stood up and lo and behold hes wearing boxers just boxers and then he pulled up tha boxers and told me ''do you see how smooth and white my thighs are? '' he also empahasized his big buldge and he was laughing all along...though we were friends never been like that before...

*he also told me that when he arrives i should come to their house visit him drink some beer and asked me to sleep over..he told me that several times...

*he sis very sweet whenever there is an occassion christmas or my birthday he would call me 12 am to greet me and 12 am again the other day to close my birthday

*he cares for me alot! when i got confined at the hospital and i cant go online it bothered him my fone rang the whole night for 3 nights i did not pick up my fone...but 4 am he called and i answered he still up drunk and yelling he freaked out when i told him that im at the hospital he is yelling telling me ''No you not gonna die fuck you! im still gonna go home and see you we gonna drink beer booze when i get home! the call was long my ear was aching already and he told me he doesnt care about the fone bill he wanted to chek on me that is...

*he also told me that i am one of the most important person in his life

*his ex gf though is very frigid and acting like as if she doesnt miss my friend...so my friend would tell me often ''you know you really are my gf and not her (we would laugh) you see...we talk like we are in a relationship...we fight like lovers..i would call you often also...we see on skype often...i would kiss you on our chats...like mwaaaaaaahh! hugsss! XOXO..but we would just laugh it out...

*he is very affectionate and caring for a guy and since machismo culture exist here it would be rare for two guys like us doing this

*we have our own world that only the two of us understands..he never told anyone even his ex gf and our other friends that we are this close and never told his gf that i am the person hes speaking with after talking to his ex gf..a little weird though...

To be continued..too long sorry...

---------- Post added 13th Mar 2014 at 11:09 PM ----------

part 4
so..we went on like that...we were both enjoying our moment together even though i know that it is impossible to have him as my bf becuase that time he was in a relationship with a girl who happens tobe my friend too..

everything went well until his relationship with his gf went on the rocks...here i saw changes in him..there was a sudden coldness on his end..and he got mad at me because he thought i conspired with his gf who cheated on him..his gf confessed that she loved my friend but not same intensity he has for her..from then on things chenged everything went upside down...i explained to my friend that i did not conspire with his gf its just that i dont know wat to do since his ex gf asked me if we could keep this until he comes back home which would be a few monts...

from then on we would be ok then with slight agitation we would have a squabble then we will be ok again it went on like a cycle... my friend once told me ''you know i appreciate your concern that u just wanted to protect me but there is a saying that goes like this and i dont know if it applies for this situation ALL EVILS ARE MADE FOR BEST INTENTION'' you know i was like that..sometimes i would help people but i do have my own vested interest and that is to gain and i dunno if you are like that too''

I was hurt and i did not respond because i know i did not do anything to hurt him i have mistakes but it is none of my intentions to hurt him...then finally all things were settled we came to terms with our own shortcomings...

---------- Post added 13th Mar 2014 at 11:09 PM ----------

part 5
then a month after i was chatting with him he told me that he will not be able to go online because they are going to seoul korea...

the next morning my father called me to assist him with something...from afar i saw a man smiling big smile and then i yelled ''wattda FFF!!!'' he surprised me showered me with gifts and stuff from korea...it was so sweet of him...but i cannot hug him though he asked me to hug me and he even questioned me why i ddnt hug him when he left...awwww!!! butterflies in my stomach! it was very very awkward..i cannot speak i was laughing all the time so as him hes just smiling at me....

everything went well we were happy all summer hanging out together watching movies together i often come to their house because he wanted me to and sometimes i just initiate...
he also come to my house specially during special occassions my birthday gatherings and so am i ..i am also welcome to go to their house or family occassions

he was also confined in a hospital he went through surgery because his appendix got inflamed and it has to be removed...i tended on him while at the hospital with his mom..changed his daipers changed his clothes ...helped him pull himself from bed and accompanied him poop...buy medicines for him..all of that i did for him because i love him...no regerets..

it was just recently that he changed we went to hear mass together...and after the mass i asked him why is not replying on my txt messages then he said (angry) ''Do i have to reply o every text? huh? should i reply on every text?''
I said..oh wats the problem? i was just asking how come you are not replying?

---------- Post added 13th Mar 2014 at 11:09 PM ----------

part 6
he got mad at me...after dinner we parted ways then later that night he txtd me and apologized and i went online and we settled that we must talk the next day..so we did talked and iaddressed all my concerns so as him..i thought everything is ok ...i thought everything was settled but i was wrong..

i confronted him him many times about the sudden changes but i got no answers...like before i thought we are ok but truth is he is not ok...we went on like that i confronted him once more because it felt so weird and this time it was a heatd argument because i really am looking for answers to my questions which he is not willing to give...

we went really enraged and asked him what really is it..because weve been running in circles nothing will be settled if the problem will not be raised and addressed properly ..I asked him...WHAT REALLY IS THE PROBLEM? WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO MUCH? he answered....''NO I AM NOT GOING TO TELL THAT TO YOU..YOU KNOW THAT? ITS JUST HERE (POINTING TO HISSELF) I WILL NOT TELL YOU! I CANT TELL YOU...SPECIALLY RIGHT THIS MOMENT IT IS VERY HARD FOR ME...I WONT SPEAK!!!'' he even told e that i am not his bestfriend but later on appologized and revoked what he said..he told me ''yeah we are bestfriends before but not anymore not anymore..'' my world collapsed that night..it would be easier to accept things if valid reasons were presented...

---------- Post added 13th Mar 2014 at 11:10 PM ----------

part 7
the same thing happened when he was still in korea we had a squabble on skype and when asked why hes mad at me and why he hated me he told me this ''i want you to forget me..i want you and all of my friends forget me i want all the memories gone bad and good''
i replied ''isnt it clear yet that i didnot consprire with your ex gf and i know nothing about the cheating part? i just knew all about it accidentally through a common friend when i brought along your gf with me in one of our office gimmicks..i told him that and said ''you coward you liar! what really is the problem? tell me!!! he said ''YES I AM A COWARD..I REALLY AM LIAR AS YOU WOULD LIKE TO SAY...BUT I WILL NOT TELL YOU WHY I HATE YOU IT IS JUST INSIDE ME I WILL NOT TELL YOU..I CANT TELL YOU....DONT MAKE THIS HARD FOR ME AND YOURSELF I WILL NOT TELL YOU...''

HAISSSSSTTT!!! REally tiring i cannot endure it anymore..anyway to continue on....after that inident we beacme ok...HIS CONCEPT OF OK...though he said we are ''ok'' he began avoiding me...even in church he would sneak his way out..he just wanted to avoid me and it really pains me...

so after 3 weeks i went to their house to speak to him but things got even worse..he told me that everything is over our friendship is over i was emotional but i cant cry he is very mad at me..he told me that he is not comfortable that i come to their house anymore he told me ''remember when you came here on my bday? i dont like that a txt is ok but i dont like you to come here anymore'' i told him but you came also on my birthday and brought me stuff right? he said..''yes i did that because i wanted to pay you for all your help when i got confined at the hospital you get it? so it is not the same ok u undertand>?'' that night i got lost...all my senses arent working i begged for his attention and forgiveness even though i know that i did nothing BIG for him to foresake me like that...

but that night he gave me another chance he told me this ''ok ill give you one more chance ok? we are still friends but for not let me be i need space (even though i donot uderstand why i just said yes) i will come back when i am ok already u understand? you cannot txt me or call me..whenever you see me on facebook donot message me unless i message you ok? (manipulative) too many requisites that i donot undestand...so that night i thought again for the nth time that everything is ok but NO...so he gave me ride (bigbike) on my way to my place..but weird thing is...he is furious and balistic but as soon as we left his house he acted like nothing happened like nothings changed...i was thinking...does this weird reaction that i am getting from him right now ..i mean the drastic shift of emotion has something to do with his parents? cousins? uncles aunts who lives nearby? did they sense something queer about me? about us? i mean i became close to them but as far as i am concern i am very discrete my manners are manly my speaking voice also....

---------- Post added 13th Mar 2014 at 11:10 PM ----------

part 8
so..i gave him space 1 month he messaged me only once in that one month space just to say hi and just a short chat...

then its was our friends birthday he came..when i arrived he was smiling but i can see in his eyes he is not comfortable..i went out to use the cr then he followed me and asked me ''hey how are you? what things are you busy with right now?'' i gave him the answer to what he asked in a civilized manner...

he left early and told us that hed be riding a motor cycle so he cant drink anymore..i followed him i saw him with his other friends and that pissed me and dissapointed me i confronted him about this and he just told me hed come back to the party at the other bar but he never did...

that night i went to their house and confronted him..i told him that he was a liar and asked him once more what happened and what is the problem...he told me ''yeah i am a liar..i lied for my my own good'' i told him yes hes a liar indeed and that he is lying with himself'' he got mad at me and yelled at me i told him ''yeah yeah it is always like this you are always putting the blame on me why dont you speak? why are u always telling me that you dont have a problem and i am all alone in this problem? you cognitive shit!'' he got so mad..he dragged me and pushed me and yelled at me to go out of their yard...i told him ''so you are gonna hurt me? hurt me then!'' he said..''no i wont do that someones gonna do that for you(bystanders gangstares in their neighborhood)...he pussed me dragged me when his mom saw us...she pulled us away from each other and tried to appease us..he told his mom ''mommy! send that person home in ten minutes! i am losing mg patience! you asshole!''

the mom was so bothered i dont know if she knows the reason why hes son beacme like that and treated me like that..i dont know...so i went home and my whole world just ended that night..he ditched our friendship..he ditched me...now hes gone...i cannot explain the feeling the emotions as if i am gonna die because i love him so much..and thing would just end without any explanation..i donot understand that...i donot understand....

---------- Post added 13th Mar 2014 at 11:10 PM ----------

part 9
and so it all ended that night untill now i nvere heard from him...i heard stories about him that he changed alot...he actually is dating a lot of women but often times he gets busted..one incident though that i will nevere ever take..he chatted with our old friend he flirted with her and sent her a sexual invitation he became a douche bag but according to our friend (the girl) who confided her story with me that he chaneged and talked to me because she knew we were best friends and shes wondering what happened...

his ex gf spoke to me regarding this and adviced her to talk to my friend and correct his mistakes he is destroying himself...self destruction that is...what i did i talked to the girl (the one who got the booty call) and convinced her not to tell this to anyone...i spoke to the people who knew the story and controlled the wild fire sort of damage control because till now i still care for him though he ditched me..i still love him i must admit...

the ex gf spoke to him and he was veru sorry about what happened and why he became a douchebag wanabbee he told his ex that he got so curious and wanted to experience sex with a girl because hes still is a virgin..he told the ex gf that hes going to try not to be an asshole anymore but the ex gf said ''No dont say ull try do it dont be an asshole! Go back and find your old self you are a lot better person before than now...that is not so you...you are lost dont be an asshole..''

the ex gf also asked him why he ditched me and he said the following reasons:

*we know each other so much and it got stale and boring for the both of us

*he told my mom about what happened between you(ex gf) and me why we broke up (note: he already told his mom about it before i did his moms questions were just to confirm things i believe)

*our friendship became toxic

*hes too confrontational(me) and i cannot bear it anymore (had he told me about the problem would i be confrontational? had i known would i go ask him again and again? if he said ok he should mean that we are ok already not just trying to put on an ''OK'' face but in reality hes still holding grudges inside)

*he said that he got suffocated because i am too clingy and confrontational (maybe true but did he realize that it is important to tell the truth to address problems?

*i come to their house without notice (note: theres truth on this but only on several occassions and when we are still ok ist not an issue wih him but when i came to their house several times when we are not ok anymore maybe he felt invaded and violated..

---------- Post added 13th Mar 2014 at 11:11 PM ----------

part 10
I told his ex gf that sory i wont buy his reasons..he could have told me that before hand ayt? and so i asked her..so would you buy this? she said NO its been months already not to have this issues addressed she believes there really is a deeper reason that he is not willing to tell...

according to his gf he asked my ex frend if there is still space for our friendship and he said...''YOU KNOW I AM NOT CLOSING MY DOORS FOR HIM...THERE IS STILL A POSSIBILITY THAT WE CAN STILL BE FRIENDS BUT IM TELLING YOU NOT NOW...NOW NOW...I DONT WANT TO TALK TO HIM NOW ...ITS JUST GONNA HAPPEN ITS JUST GONNA HAPPEN..LETS JUST WAIT AND SEE..THERE WILL COME A TIME THAT WE WILL MEET AGAIN AND BE FRIENDS POSSIBLY BUT NOT AS CLOSE AS OUR FRIENDSHIP BEFORE....''

you know it pains me but i have no choice but to deal with it to deal with him...i feel sorry for myself that i am so stupid..and i feel sorry for him becasuse hes got too much pride..he built a wall too high i cannot cross...he evaded our old friends and created another world..he is elusive...i just hope his friends now will guide him and wont be darn assholes and bad influence on him...

i feel really sad now because i love him and he still is in my system..i cant move on totally..i dunno..i still am fixated...
nowi am in a state of limbo if i should still hope or not...

our friendship wasnt clearly defined before it ended and it left me hanging..i dunno if it has impact on him or it is just me who is hopeful..darn it! i am so stupid..i still love him so much despite all the things ive gone through..

i dunno what he is really..i cant define if he is also inlove with me or just me...i dunno if he did all of it to ward me off because he cannot entertain that he is possibly gay and inlove with me...or bisexual or confised...i donot know if he miscalculated everything and fell in love with me too and he wanted to save his ass because it would bring him down..given his reputation an intelligent person talented musically ex college military officer buff had 2 girlfriends only child and living with his relatives...ok i am overthinking again...maybe this is the repercussion of being left hanging....

you know guys who prefer women and have a slight curioisty with men are all messed up...you know why? once they feel the urge they would end up repressing himself and would feel that that feeling is abnormal and should be avoided...

darn it why do i keep on asking questions that only him could answer.??? I still LOVE him!!!

haaaaaaaayyy!!!! please guys help me address my problem..i would be glad to hear from you...please help me analyze....

---------- Post added 13th Mar 2014 at 10:55 PM ----------

I know i have wronged him too...I am a coward...i always play safe...i should have told him about my sexuality and what i really feel for him...I kept on waiting under the impression that he would come up to me and tell me everything...I cant blame him too i cant blame him totally...Maybe it is in our culture we have machismo culture here in the philippines and homosexuality though accepted in some degree i can say is not fully accepted and understood spacially male-male relationship...
Now i am totally messed up Ive been depressed for many months now...i cant move on..i just cant and I donot know how...the feeling of being left alone by someone you love and treasure is killing me...i am beginning to hate myself to some extent and sometimes i feel helpless and i even considered killing myself one time...
please help me guys...Looking forward to your responses...Thanks! God Bless...
amoramigo is online now Report Post

 

TJ thank you...i appreciate your insights...I hope id bounce back to normal real soon...and yes you are correct I have to move on with life...i loved him and wanted to tell him that but my friends kept telling me not to even writing a letter a should not consider...I think hes got inner battles to and no matter i summon for his answers he is not willing to give it to me..i think he too is a coward like me...sigh...

 

Thank you so much TJ i cannot thank you enough...i am a late bloomer and i just came out to a few people 2 years ago given my age...and thank you eventhough you are a lot yonger than me you seem to give good advice...in our language id like to say ''SALAMAT'' -thank you for taking some time reading me lengthy story...