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Bonnie Kaye, Gay Husbands Say the Darndest Things

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Brave Prince, Mar 14, 2014.

  1. Brave Prince

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    Holy Toledo, I just finished reading that book. What an emotional roller coaster.

    Bonnie Kaye is an advocate for strait wives, and she doesn't pull any punches. I was looking for support material for my own wife, but I don't think this is it. I've never felt so exposed and villainized. The lines between gay husbands wrongfully marrying and generalized abuse are so blurred I feel beaten and misrepresented.

    Has anyone else read any of her 8 books. I can't decide whether to be angry, worried, or broken hearted. This was not the right thing to read while I'm considering coming out. What a downer.

    Does anyone know of support material for straight wives that isn't malicious?
     
  2. gravechild

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    Ugh, I just read her "Gay Husband Checklist" and wasn't quite sure whether to laugh or cry. A lot of her articles seem to vilify gay men who are trapped in straight marriages, projecting her anger and resentment onto strangers she's never even met.

    There is one forum out there dedicated to bisexual men, and has its own support section for the wives and girlfriends, but because of posting rules, I'll keep the name out of EC. Books no idea, since I've mostly been single and only had brief flings with heterosexual women.

    Perhaps some of the older members can weigh in here?
     
    #2 gravechild, Mar 14, 2014
    Last edited: Mar 14, 2014
  3. Brave Prince

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    Well said; I just hope my wife doesn't find her...

    I've altered my status to Married Gay. I don't think I understood the concepts when I signed up. I was likely comforting myself. I think I've never wanted admit how cruel this whole thing is to our wives.

    Could you privately message me that website?

    Thanks for the reply.
    BPC
     
  4. StillAround

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    But you also have to admit how cruel this whole thing is to you. It's rare that the responsibility for our situations falls completely on us. Often, others have consciously or unconsciously enabled the lie we've lived.

    /Ed.(*hug*)
     
  5. Theron

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    I've read some of those books. Aside from being homophobic, I think that more than that, she's a misandrist.


    Or just a b:***:h.
     
  6. Ettina

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    OK, found the checklist. And I'm incredulous.

    Most of those signs are just 'signs your marriage is going bad' - regardless of the underlying reasons.

    And seriously?

    As if sexual abuse has anything to do with your orientation. Worse, even a straight man who's been abused might have trouble having sex with his wife, due to flashbacks. To have her insisting his sexual problems are a sign that he's gay would make the issue worse. Especially if he was abused by a man, because it implies that he may have somehow brought the abuse upon himself by his supposed gayness.
     
  7. BMC77

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    This may not be much comfort, but it's not at all unheard of for people to claim bisexual when joining EC, only to change to gay later on. Sometimes it's not understanding the concepts. Sometimes it's denial (a chance to avoid the "g" word).

    I never used the bisexual label, but, when I joined EC, I thought "bisexual" might be be a good label. But...as I spent time here, I realized it wasn't. "Bisexual" was a thought that was possibly partly denial. And I came to realize that while I probably "could" have sex with a woman--as I'd told myself for years--I really had no real interest in doing so.

    ---------- Post added 15th Mar 2014 at 04:01 PM ----------

    Absolutely true.
     
  8. GayDadStr8Marig

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    I have not read her books. I took a look at the excerpts via online booksellers and the online reviews. I was less than impressed with the treatment given gay husbands. I don't know how much you can help your wife. I know we often feel like as the husband we should protect them and soften the blow as best we can. but in this situation I think that approach can do more harm, especially when our coming out is expressed as a total shock for them, whether there wwre signs they chose to ignore like mine or not. it really depends on the psychology of your wife how she would receive the resources you offer her. the only suggestions I offered were therapists, support groups and the resources online forbstraight spouses. beyond that she has reached out to friends and our parish pastor, and attended a group for divorced/separated.
     
  9. greatwhale

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    I have not read this person's books, nor do I intend to.

    A quote is in order here:

    The problem with books like hers are simply this: yes, being gay is a huge issue in a straight marriage, but there may be so many other reasons for marital breakdown, indeed for getting married in the first place. She does not appear to address or acknowledge social pressures, uncertainty, shame, fluid sexuality, age, means, religion...I mean, where do these factors come in to the equation?

    No less than these, what about complicity? It is often no surprise to these spouses when it is discovered that their mate is gay (and why the focus only on gay men, by the way??). It is easy to assign responsibility on something so obvious as sexual orientation or the (often justifiable) cowardice associated with coming out, but to ignore everything else is to operate with some pretty effective blinders.